jean-vic
Well-known member
So, I never liked talking about my depression and anxiety. Hated opening up. Men keep that honeysuckle in, right. Then, I met someone who encouraged me to open up. In time, she became my best friend. She is a truly incredible human being and I love her very much. However, last night, she revealed to me that recently, my talking about my depression and the anxiety it caused me, always at her request, has caused her feel frustration with me, to feel I don't appreciate all she has done for me and that she will never get through to me. The past month has been a particularly bad episode for me. I have needed a bit more support and reassurance. However, she informed me, despite my constantly ignored attempts to protect her from my depression, that depression hurts the people around the sufferer and I had been hurting her lately. Now, going from talking every day, she wants to talk less. Feels it will be good for both of us. She assures me she isn't leaving, that I am still her best friend and that she wants me to keep opening up, but can't deny it is frustrating her, though she is willing to bear that frustration for me.
Lying in bed last night, the suicidal thoughts that I have had for years and have been growing steadily worse in the past month, became very intense. I thought I had pushed someone else away, lost someone else I loved because I wasn't strong enough to protect them from my issues, and that their wanting to distance themselves was the beginning of the inevitable end. As my job relies on her boyfriend and I being on good terms, and feeling that impending sense of dread, I was about to do something when my partner woke up and spoke to me. She listened to me for a good 45 minutes in the middle of the night despite having to be up for work first thing. I went to sleep with a new resolution.
So, today I took a day off work, went to my doctor, told them I was suicidal and was prescribed anti-depressant medication. I am going to look into counselling again, preferably private this time as the NHS services are abysmal, and I am going to try a new method of fighting this illness. All my life, I thought anti-depressants would make me weak. No one else. Just me. I don't judge others the way I judge myself. Today, I decided to try something new to at least attempt to fix the broken mess. I don't want to hurt the people around me anymore.
Lying in bed last night, the suicidal thoughts that I have had for years and have been growing steadily worse in the past month, became very intense. I thought I had pushed someone else away, lost someone else I loved because I wasn't strong enough to protect them from my issues, and that their wanting to distance themselves was the beginning of the inevitable end. As my job relies on her boyfriend and I being on good terms, and feeling that impending sense of dread, I was about to do something when my partner woke up and spoke to me. She listened to me for a good 45 minutes in the middle of the night despite having to be up for work first thing. I went to sleep with a new resolution.
So, today I took a day off work, went to my doctor, told them I was suicidal and was prescribed anti-depressant medication. I am going to look into counselling again, preferably private this time as the NHS services are abysmal, and I am going to try a new method of fighting this illness. All my life, I thought anti-depressants would make me weak. No one else. Just me. I don't judge others the way I judge myself. Today, I decided to try something new to at least attempt to fix the broken mess. I don't want to hurt the people around me anymore.