sometimes I wish....

[nea_lin]

...that I could just wake up and be someone else.

The last quarter of my life has been rough. I lost both my parents and my only sister in an accident (it's a long story, and complicated), and now I'm alone. They were the only people I could ever really relate to. To say that I love them and miss them terribly is an understatement. Most days it hurts so bad that I wish I could just die.

It's been almost three years now, and I don't really talk to anyone about it. I've had the same job for about a year, and no one even knows about it. I don't trust people enough to tell them about it, because I'm scared they will see me differently or judge me. I also afraid of breaking down in front of anyone. Because of these reasons, I really keep to myself.

I also feel a lot of guilt over what happened, which I carry with me every day. Most days I hate myself and wish that I could just erase my memory and be somebody else. Most days I look in the mirror and see an ugly person who is really really bad. I feel like such a waste.

I'm not too sure what to do to help myself, so I thought I would try to reach out over the internet. It would be great if anyone has any suggestions on how to improve my situation.

 

[floffyschneeman]

I'm really sorry about what happened to your family. I could not imagine myself being in your situation and maybe what I will say here would not make any difference to how you feel. I can't offer any words of comfort but just me saying that you have people here who will listen and will try to understand as best as they can.

I hated myself before cos of silly reasons and I can't say that it can compare to how you feel now but with what I have experienced, I realized that the guilt feeling, the self disgust and self loath will continue if you also continue to avoid the subject. Everyone can make mistakes and these mistakes may have a huge effect in our lives but sometimes also we beat ourselves up thinking we're the one to blame to things we don't want to happen. I am not sure what is your situation. I'd just like to say that you can't wake up one day and be someone else, you can only wake up today and work on becoming the person you want to be, despite struggles and bad experiences. I know, easier said that done but don't underestimate the strength and beauty of the human soul that is in you.

I hope things will unfold for the better for you. Take care

 

[Ox Blood]

I wish there were words that could take away the pain and guilt you're harboring inside.

Your courage and strength is admirable. Know that they are watching over you, and they love you. Most importantly, they would want you to live a happy, healthy, and peaceful life -- not one filled with regret, sorrow, and guilt.

This forum has a lot of wonderful and insightful members. I'm proud of you for opening up somewhere -- it's a start. You may want to look into any local support groups for grief counseling... It sounds like you have been holding so many things inside. These things can fester and become very destructive and toxic over time.

If you ever want to be heard by someone that can relate in some way, or just someone to talk to -- feel free to PM me.

 

[whispers]

Talking... getting it out is the first step to healing. I'm glad you reached out here, you can say alot here, we are a pretty cool bunch. You can also PM me , if ever there are things you need to say that you dont feel should be public. You can feel safe with anything with me. Sometimes it hurts less to hate and be self destructive than to actualy deal with the pain and sadness.
Be kind to yourself **hugs**

 

[SophiaGrace]

What job would cause you shame?

I am so sorry for your loss

 

[kinzeUK]

I was just going to try and sleep and saw this post - I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss, I can't even imagine such a horrendous thing. And even though I've just made a post bemoaning the state of affairs I am in, I know it is NOTHING compared to what you're going through. The only thing I can relate is to the second half of your post, especially the part about looking in the mirror. I see that there have already been some offers of help and support (there are truly some wonderful empathic people on here) so hopefully someone if not all of them/us/whoever reads this post, can try to help you cope. I can't say as I personally know what to tell you but I'm guessing you just needed to talk about it and get it off your chest which was right to do.

I don't know if you are new to the site but if you are rest assured you are in the company of some very nice and supportive people.

Take care

 

[nea_lin]

Thanks everyone. It helps to read your replies. Talking about it is a good idea, it's really hard though, and I fear being rejected. Also, talking about the accident is uncomfortable in itself because it was a complicated and unusual situation. I'm glad that I at least have my boyfriend to talk to about it, and my counselor. I'm going to keep using this forum- I really think it could be helpful.
Sophia Grace, I meant that none of my co-workers at my job know about my situation with my family, not that no one knows about my job.

 

[Tiina63]

I am so sorry for your losses. It is so awful for you and your pain must be immense. Please keep coming here and we will do what we can to help.

 

[HC22]

I'm so so sorry for what happened to you
I really want to hug you.

It must be really hard, I really don't know how would I cope with this, really
The fact that you're seeking help it's already positive.
Think about it, I'm pretty sure that your parents and your sister would want you to live happily and look forward.
I really wish you the best, you know, you can't wake up and be somebody else ... but you can still try to change and try to become a better person, someone you'll be proud of, you're not dead yet right ? so it's definitely not too late, you still have time.

I wish you good luck, with all of my heart I hope things will get better for you.