Strange date okcupid!

[matt4]

So, went on a date yesterday with a girl from okcupid.
It was kind of awful.

First a little background. She's 28 and messaged me first of the site (unbelievable!).
She thinks I'm good looking, and likes the fact I'm intelligent and into politics (her words). She likes confidence in a man. Probably a bit too much. She has already made her mind up about me before we went into the date.

On the phone she said she expected me to sound more confident judging by my pictures and that she likes more confident men. She said she didn't want to lead me on think something may happen but she was prepared to meet me and see how we got on. I said the date was just to have fun and see how we got on anyway

Yesterday, we met up. She's really good looking but unfortunately... not a smiley or bubbly person. She seems to lack confidence herself actually. She's got a beautiful smile the few times she did but she spent most of the night neutral which is off-putting. To make things worse she mentioned the fact that I didn't seem to be self-assured. "It's a shame your not confident, your good looking and intelligent" she said. To be honest I felt relaxed, but not too comfortable because she felt so difficult. Previous dates have gone well to the point where people didn't believe I struggled with confidence. I guess it's because they were relaxed, and their character so much more less awkward. She did say she suffered with awkwardness when younger and was shy (hey maybe she needs to visit this forum).

I gave her a hug at the end of the night and she pulled my hands from her. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. I was shocked she ever had exes to be honest as her performance that night was poor!

She said she was tired, but all she had to do is talk relax and loosen up. It was fairly disappointing. I hope I've made sense. Fairly rushed this thread. My best date was with a girl who I really was able to warm to quickly, no confidence issues but she was really could laugh at jokes make them. Smile and laugh. We ended up kissing away.

Fairly disappointed. She did knock my confidence by mentioning my confidence so much. Needless to say that we won't be dating again!

 

[lifestream]

Well done for going through with it. To be honest, after a phone call like the one you described, I probably would have cancelled the date. There's no need for that kind of negativity before you've even met the person. I guarantee you if you had been exactly what she was looking for, she would have said you were too confident or something

 

[mslonely]

Well done for going through with it. To be honest, after a phone call like the one you described, I probably would have cancelled the date. There's no need for that kind of negativity before you've even met the person. I guarantee you if you had been exactly what she was looking for, she would have said you were too confident or something

Lifestream, I couldn't have said it any better myself.

So she was tired? What if you were just as tired and hence you couldn't live up to her 'confidence' expectations, did she ever think of that?
Well, I guess opposites do attract, she likes confident men because she lacks confidence in herself.

Anyway, awesome stuff Matt, you're still at it
Keep on. All the best.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think it's a combination of two things. One being there probably was no real chemistry between the two of you. There may be. There may not be. But after that description of the outing, I'm leaning more towards not.

And two, she may have harped on you having confidence (maybe a little too much in my opinion) because it's what she feeds off of. She may need a more confident person than she is in order to break out of that shell. Maybe a little boost she can vibe off of.

I don't know. I'm no expert. But one would think that because she doesn't have an outstanding amount of confidence and is a little shy herself, that she would be a little more forgiving. Or maybe she was looking for something she just didn't find in you. Nothing wrong with you, of course, but perhaps she expected a bit too much for a first meeting.

 

[BeyondShy]

At least you got a date from okcupid. That's how I see it.

 

[matt4]

She also mentioned her exes on the phone before our date. A big no-no and it rolled onto my previous. I told her I never had a girlfriend and she viewed it negatively, telling me on whatsapp it makes her think we aren't a match because I've not had experience of past relationships.

She really seemed the inexperienced one.

Thanks for your views all. It's really disappointing as it's so difficult to meet people these days. I'm really open to meeting new people. Even people from here but I've found this avenue shut too.

There will be more dates from okcupid. I have a lot more confidence then I've had before. I just need to keep working to increase it. I don't have it naturally and people can see it. I think your right VanillaCreme there may have been no chemistry between us two. She was looking for confidence maybe to work, with she did say she feels less shy with confident guys. Analysing it back now. I do think she was a bit harsh. With online dating you need a a thick skin

 

[lifestream]

The main thing is that you're out there doing it, Matt.

Your date sounds like quite a bit of hard work, at least you approached the situation with an open mind. It's a shame you were in slim company.

I hope the next one is a bit less of a trial.

 

[Batman55]

Can a guy who isn't intelligent and lacks confidence have a chance of getting a date?

If that's the only way to find a date these days... to exhibit these qualities (or otherwise give the impression you have them, which personally I feel is misleading) then I would think many guys wouldn't have a chance.

In the OP's case, what makes it even worse--comically worse, in fact--is that not only did she mention "former relationships" to you on the phone, she basically "ranked" your confidence as less than what she wanted.

Is this what passes for normal these days?

Is it expected that men (or women, for that matter) are supposed to be evaluated like a school exam, receive a letter grade, and then be judged as to whether respect can be given?

If so.. this game ain't for me.

 

[No_Nickname]

She sounds like a *****. It's one thing to THINK that somebody lacks confidence, but you never SAY it - that just lowers their confidence further. If you like somebody, you should build their confidence by rewarding them with affection and praise. My guess: had you gotten into a relationship with her, she would have ditched you as soon as you needed emotional support.

 

[HoodedMonk]

She sounds like a *****. It's one thing to THINK that somebody lacks confidence, but you never SAY it - that just lowers their confidence further. If you like somebody, you should build their confidence by rewarding them with affection and praise. My guess: had you gotten into a relationship with her, she would have ditched you as soon as you needed emotional support.

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

 

[No_Nickname]

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

I meant when they earn it, not just because.

And "you lack confidence" is not good feedback. Ever.

 

[HoodedMonk]

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

I meant when they earn it, not just because.

And "you lack confidence" is not good feedback. Ever.

I disagree.

 

[Tiina63]

I think 'you lack confidence' can be good feedback BUT it depends on the wider context. If it is someone who is saying it in a supportive manner because they care about you and can see that you are too down on yourself when there is no reason to be, then it is ok. But if it is in the sort of situation you described, when it is basically a putdown, then it is not ok. It can only make you feel even less confident in that sort of situation.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

I meant when they earn it, not just because.

And "you lack confidence" is not good feedback. Ever.

I disagree.

Perhaps the way she said it was in a rather condescending tone. It can be helpful, if it is not delivered that way or negatively.

 

[HoodedMonk]

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

I meant when they earn it, not just because.

And "you lack confidence" is not good feedback. Ever.

I disagree.

Perhaps the way she said it was in a rather condescending tone. It can be helpful, if it is not delivered that way or negatively.

It depends, yeah.

 

[matt4]

The main thing is that you're out there doing it, Matt.

Your date sounds like quite a bit of hard work, at least you approached the situation with an open mind. It's a shame you were in slim company.

I hope the next one is a bit less of a trial.

It was great to get the experience in. Tough because I work in a crap job and can't afford to blow lots of cash like that in Central London. I wouldn't really have cared too much if the date wasn't so strange.

Can a guy who isn't intelligent and lacks confidence have a chance of getting a date?

If that's the only way to find a date these days... to exhibit these qualities (or otherwise give the impression you have them, which personally I feel is misleading) then I would think many guys wouldn't have a chance.

In the OP's case, what makes it even worse--comically worse, in fact--is that not only did she mention "former relationships" to you on the phone, she basically "ranked" your confidence as less than what she wanted.

Is this what passes for normal these days?

Is it expected that men (or women, for that matter) are supposed to be evaluated like a school exam, receive a letter grade, and then be judged as to whether respect can be given?

If so.. this game ain't for me.

It's just one woman. I don't think she was too clued up regarding dates etc, she claimed to be a very direct person. Which I can take but she seemed a bit too full of negativity. No smiles and she seemed disinterested in the end.

She sounds like a *****. It's one thing to THINK that somebody lacks confidence, but you never SAY it - that just lowers their confidence further. If you like somebody, you should build their confidence by rewarding them with affection and praise. My guess: had you gotten into a relationship with her, she would have ditched you as soon as you needed emotional support.

Exactly, especially on a date. If someone knows me well, or after a date they can mention it. It just was so awkward she said I had little confidence in myself and then she said there was no reason for me to be so. She finds me good looking and intelligent, she seemed to not understand confidence is not something you can switch on or off. Your guess is similar to mine. If I see someone is shy I try and put them at ease as I know that character exists beneath a lack of confidence.

She sounds like a *****. It's one thing to THINK that somebody lacks confidence, but you never SAY it - that just lowers their confidence further. If you like somebody, you should build their confidence by rewarding them with affection and praise. My guess: had you gotten into a relationship with her, she would have ditched you as soon as you needed emotional support.

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

I meant when they earn it, not just because.

And "you lack confidence" is not good feedback. Ever.

I disagree.

Perhaps the way she said it was in a rather condescending tone. It can be helpful, if it is not delivered that way or negatively.

She wasn't very happy and smiley so I guess things she said, felt worse then they were. I don't know where to really go from here whether to message and say fancy being friends? Or just letting her get in touch with me?

 

[VanillaCreme]

She sounds like a *****. It's one thing to THINK that somebody lacks confidence, but you never SAY it - that just lowers their confidence further. If you like somebody, you should build their confidence by rewarding them with affection and praise. My guess: had you gotten into a relationship with her, she would have ditched you as soon as you needed emotional support.

I don't think rewarding someone with affection and praise would work. People know when it is empty and hollow, and it is ineffective. Instead, I propose that people should be allowed to have successes that will build confidence.

Besides, sometimes what people say may hurt but it could be good feedback?

Why would that not work? No_Nickname if you like somebody... Not tell them affectionate things just because. If you like them, give them some praise. That's not empty or hollow unless either you or the person knows that you're being empty or hollow about it. You can't just make successful opportunities either. Things either happen or they don't.

 

[TheSkaFish]

She has already made her mind up about me before we went into the date.

Oh man. I hate that, when women pull that cold crap. It's a great way to make a guy feel like they aren't even a person. It's really frustrating, especially in situations like this where you know that it SHOULD work because you like each other's looks and you know that you have stuff to talk about.

Well, I don't want to be discouraging though, so I wish you all the best in navigating through this quagmire called dating. It's not impossible.

 

[lilE]

At least you got a date from okcupid. That's how I see it.

Exactly, it would be a miracle if I could get one date. He's had more than one, I don't know why he is complaining.

 

[Batman55]

I think 'you lack confidence' can be good feedback BUT it depends on the wider context. If it is someone who is saying it in a supportive manner because they care about you and can see that you are too down on yourself when there is no reason to be, then it is ok. But if it is in the sort of situation you described, when it is basically a putdown, then it is not ok. It can only make you feel even less confident in that sort of situation.

I'm with Tiina on this, 100%