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Hi!
I have a story that I feel I need to share in order to get some advice or different perspectives on. This is a very emotional matter to me, because it has been part of most of my life.
There was me and two of my best friends, let’s call them Ben and Jerry
Me and Ben have known each other for about 15 years, starting from weekend-school in kindergarten, throughout high school and from there we went to different colleges, but always staid as close as we where. Jerry and I have known each other since high school and just like me and Ben, we have and still are very close and talk to each other almost daily. Ben and Jerry have known each other since kindergarten. So the three of us have known each other for a very long time and have always been best friends.
Although we were so close, I guess like most friendships, from time to time you start to see sides of someone you don't really like. That however has never ever been a problem; It was rather little ticks or habits we had, that sometimes can get annoying. Other than that I swear we had the best friendship you could imagine: the one you read about in books, see in movies, and the kind you wish you could have because your current friendship just isn't as good, you get the picture? We had so much laughter and jokes, there were no taboos, we talked about everything and had no secrets and when we met the days just seemed to short , we would only leave when our parents would call us a million times yelling we had to come home because it was too late already. When people would see us they would always comment on how good a group we formed and when meeting people from our past they would be like: "Wow you guys really did stay together, I'm not surprised though, the three of you have a special connection" things like that, you know.
A while back, I guess a little over a year and a half, I just couldn't take it anymore, and neither did Jerry. Here's what happened: Ben has always been the outgoing one (but in a very pleasant way) however lately (I'm talking back then she seemed to become a lot more different, perhaps I should say she started alienating from us, but mostly from who she used to be. Her behavior started to be the kind that I don't want to relate myself to (I'm the type of person who values self-respect and sets high standards to how I come across, because I believe that by doing so, you can influence your own destiny in this world where noting comes free. I believe that in this world you should set goals and work really hard to get where you want to be. It has to do with my upbringing and my religion: I find it important that you live life to the fullest and you should do it with dignity and respect for everything and everyone around you, including yourself). If you want something you should get of your butt and do the things you need to, not wait for others to fix it! You should have perfective in what you do and what the consequences are in the future. Laziness and lack of discipline makes you immature and is in no way a good lifestyle (I seriously sometimes start to think that maybe I set to high of a standard, however I will never lower it, this is how i feel ...hahaha inner discussion. What do you think?)
Anyways, I started to notice that she just wasn't being honest anymore, lying I find a very big word and I don't like to use it, but hiding things and not telling the entire story is just incredibly painful. I have been there for her NO MATTER WHAT, no matter what. I have always sacrificed myself to meet her end, because she wouldn't. Always telling myself that it has to do with me, I'm the one who asks too much and sets to high of a standard on anything. Always telling myself that it's oke, she will tell me the truth and she will come around, just be patient. I have, I have been patient, for more that a year until I finally broke. Do you know how it feels when you put so much energy into something and not getting anything back for it, not even recognition? Often I just started to think that she just didn't see it (i mean innocently) maybe I’m the one who's making such a big deal out of it.
The relationship between Ben and Jerry also came across these thing and Jerry too, felt like she couldn't take it, the story between the two of them is exactly the same as I'm telling you mine.
So about a year and a half ago I decided to cut it off and put an end to our friendship. I just refuse to life like this. I don't know if I made it clear how incredibly painful it was for me to be an honestly GOOD friend (and believe, there hard to find) and to get nothing back for it, using my loyalty to make your own life better and then blaming me for ruining the friendship we had. IT KILLS ME. My hands are trembling and my eyes are filled with tears right this second. Never ever in my life have I felt this sad, this unwanted and unneeded, this used and this betrayed and never have I scarified so much of myself to give her what thought she deserved, at least the person I thought she was. By sacrificing I mean always putting the blame on me and not allowing myself to confront us with the truth about our situation.
After confronting her with this (and it was not the first time, but also not this straight forward) I refused to speak or see her for almost 8 months. I thought that maybe she would understand me, maybe she could change? (ohh this is so stupid, now that I’m writhing it out). BTW the same happened between Jerry and Ben, however me and Jerry did not have conspiracy or anything, we both had different thoughts about this matter but at the same time just couldn't take it any more (In a way this gives me the feeling that It isn't totally my fault, because obviously Jerry feels the same). Meanwhile the relationship between Jerry and me is still as perfect as it was.
Anyways back to the story: for 8 months I haven’t spoken to her, until she came forward apologizing and explaining that she truly understood and never meant to be like that, it wasn't her purpose to make me feel that way...I knew deep down that it would heal things for a while, because she honestly cared. FOR A WHILE, because at the same time I was just waiting to see things go downhill with her again. I have known her over 15 years I know exactly how long things take her, where she messes up and where she does good. I know her through and trough; What I mean is that I'm not stupid, I know what I’m doing and I try to estimate the risks I take. For a few moths things went well, she made an effort and tried to be honest and tried to be more disciplined (in the form of being on time instead of letting us wait for HOURS, calling off instead of waiting for us to call her irritated asking her what’s up and then blaming us for being mean and rude, taking care of her business and of herself etc. like I said, the little things that for some reason just build up into a big ball of angriness and explode when I just can’t lift the weight of this big ball.
Like my inner voice quietly whispered: she fell back in her old pattern and I just, I CANT TAKE IT, I REFUSE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY!!!!! But it hurts, it hurts so much!!! Why do feel like all of this is my fault? Please tell me what you think. Is it really me who sets to high standards, is it because of me that our perfect friendship ended? Part of is screaming in my head now: How dare you even think that, you did right! You shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself and you deserve an equal friend back from her. On the other side I keep thinking that we had such a wonderful time. I miss the laughter we had, I miss that we could talk about anything for any length of time, I miss that we could talk to each other till deep in the night and life in our own little world where nothing was crazy and anything was possible. As much as I want to say that I don’t miss her, I do, I miss you.
Have I made the right decision to cut it off for good? What was I suppose to do? Have you ever been in a similar situation? HOW FAR DOES SELFSACRIFCE GO? I feel split into two parts: I don’t want that friendship back and I hate that it’s over. And more so, I feel sorry for Ben, I know it’s hurting her too, It’s just that somewhere along the road we’ve alienated from each other. I’m not angry at her, I now understand that this is just the way thing go (but for some reason I feel responsible) It sucks it really does.
If you have been reading my entire story and ended up down here, I’m so very thankful, THANK YOU! I hope you will share your opinion with me.
Oleander
Hi!
I have a story that I feel I need to share in order to get some advice or different perspectives on. This is a very emotional matter to me, because it has been part of most of my life.
There was me and two of my best friends, let’s call them Ben and Jerry
Me and Ben have known each other for about 15 years, starting from weekend-school in kindergarten, throughout high school and from there we went to different colleges, but always staid as close as we where. Jerry and I have known each other since high school and just like me and Ben, we have and still are very close and talk to each other almost daily. Ben and Jerry have known each other since kindergarten. So the three of us have known each other for a very long time and have always been best friends.Although we were so close, I guess like most friendships, from time to time you start to see sides of someone you don't really like. That however has never ever been a problem; It was rather little ticks or habits we had, that sometimes can get annoying. Other than that I swear we had the best friendship you could imagine: the one you read about in books, see in movies, and the kind you wish you could have because your current friendship just isn't as good, you get the picture? We had so much laughter and jokes, there were no taboos, we talked about everything and had no secrets and when we met the days just seemed to short , we would only leave when our parents would call us a million times yelling we had to come home because it was too late already. When people would see us they would always comment on how good a group we formed and when meeting people from our past they would be like: "Wow you guys really did stay together, I'm not surprised though, the three of you have a special connection" things like that, you know.
A while back, I guess a little over a year and a half, I just couldn't take it anymore, and neither did Jerry. Here's what happened: Ben has always been the outgoing one (but in a very pleasant way) however lately (I'm talking back then
she seemed to become a lot more different, perhaps I should say she started alienating from us, but mostly from who she used to be. Her behavior started to be the kind that I don't want to relate myself to (I'm the type of person who values self-respect and sets high standards to how I come across, because I believe that by doing so, you can influence your own destiny in this world where noting comes free. I believe that in this world you should set goals and work really hard to get where you want to be. It has to do with my upbringing and my religion: I find it important that you live life to the fullest and you should do it with dignity and respect for everything and everyone around you, including yourself). If you want something you should get of your butt and do the things you need to, not wait for others to fix it! You should have perfective in what you do and what the consequences are in the future. Laziness and lack of discipline makes you immature and is in no way a good lifestyle (I seriously sometimes start to think that maybe I set to high of a standard, however I will never lower it, this is how i feel ...hahaha inner discussion. What do you think?)Anyways, I started to notice that she just wasn't being honest anymore, lying I find a very big word and I don't like to use it, but hiding things and not telling the entire story is just incredibly painful. I have been there for her NO MATTER WHAT, no matter what. I have always sacrificed myself to meet her end, because she wouldn't. Always telling myself that it has to do with me, I'm the one who asks too much and sets to high of a standard on anything. Always telling myself that it's oke, she will tell me the truth and she will come around, just be patient. I have, I have been patient, for more that a year until I finally broke. Do you know how it feels when you put so much energy into something and not getting anything back for it, not even recognition? Often I just started to think that she just didn't see it (i mean innocently) maybe I’m the one who's making such a big deal out of it.
The relationship between Ben and Jerry also came across these thing and Jerry too, felt like she couldn't take it, the story between the two of them is exactly the same as I'm telling you mine.
So about a year and a half ago I decided to cut it off and put an end to our friendship. I just refuse to life like this. I don't know if I made it clear how incredibly painful it was for me to be an honestly GOOD friend (and believe, there hard to find) and to get nothing back for it, using my loyalty to make your own life better and then blaming me for ruining the friendship we had. IT KILLS ME. My hands are trembling and my eyes are filled with tears right this second. Never ever in my life have I felt this sad, this unwanted and unneeded, this used and this betrayed and never have I scarified so much of myself to give her what thought she deserved, at least the person I thought she was. By sacrificing I mean always putting the blame on me and not allowing myself to confront us with the truth about our situation.
After confronting her with this (and it was not the first time, but also not this straight forward) I refused to speak or see her for almost 8 months. I thought that maybe she would understand me, maybe she could change? (ohh this is so stupid, now that I’m writhing it out). BTW the same happened between Jerry and Ben, however me and Jerry did not have conspiracy or anything, we both had different thoughts about this matter but at the same time just couldn't take it any more (In a way this gives me the feeling that It isn't totally my fault, because obviously Jerry feels the same). Meanwhile the relationship between Jerry and me is still as perfect as it was.
Anyways back to the story: for 8 months I haven’t spoken to her, until she came forward apologizing and explaining that she truly understood and never meant to be like that, it wasn't her purpose to make me feel that way...I knew deep down that it would heal things for a while, because she honestly cared. FOR A WHILE, because at the same time I was just waiting to see things go downhill with her again. I have known her over 15 years I know exactly how long things take her, where she messes up and where she does good. I know her through and trough; What I mean is that I'm not stupid, I know what I’m doing and I try to estimate the risks I take. For a few moths things went well, she made an effort and tried to be honest and tried to be more disciplined (in the form of being on time instead of letting us wait for HOURS, calling off instead of waiting for us to call her irritated asking her what’s up and then blaming us for being mean and rude, taking care of her business and of herself etc. like I said, the little things that for some reason just build up into a big ball of angriness and explode when I just can’t lift the weight of this big ball.
Like my inner voice quietly whispered: she fell back in her old pattern and I just, I CANT TAKE IT, I REFUSE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY!!!!! But it hurts, it hurts so much!!! Why do feel like all of this is my fault? Please tell me what you think. Is it really me who sets to high standards, is it because of me that our perfect friendship ended? Part of is screaming in my head now: How dare you even think that, you did right! You shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself and you deserve an equal friend back from her. On the other side I keep thinking that we had such a wonderful time. I miss the laughter we had, I miss that we could talk about anything for any length of time, I miss that we could talk to each other till deep in the night and life in our own little world where nothing was crazy and anything was possible. As much as I want to say that I don’t miss her, I do, I miss you.
Have I made the right decision to cut it off for good? What was I suppose to do? Have you ever been in a similar situation? HOW FAR DOES SELFSACRIFCE GO? I feel split into two parts: I don’t want that friendship back and I hate that it’s over. And more so, I feel sorry for Ben, I know it’s hurting her too, It’s just that somewhere along the road we’ve alienated from each other. I’m not angry at her, I now understand that this is just the way thing go (but for some reason I feel responsible) It sucks it really does.
If you have been reading my entire story and ended up down here, I’m so very thankful, THANK YOU! I hope you will share your opinion with me.
Oleander
