The Aftermath from Abuse

[WallflowerGirl83]

Lately I've been getting horrible dreams, I wake up and I'm sweating. I look around the room and don't know where I am. I sobbed thinking I was still no longer safe. My ex bf lives in the same town as me, stupid me went to hang out with when he told me he changed. Good thing I stopped, cause I deserve better. Now though, I get lots of shakes, headaches, upset stomach, crying spells, outbursts of anger or get in this defensive cocky mood where I take everything the wrong way.

Even went so far as to trying to end my life with pills but good thing I survived. There's days where I think noone wants to talk to me or feel too upset to want to talk to anyone. Than after I feel better, I feel bad for not talking to anyone and fear that they'll be mad at me so I stay away longer. Always try to avoid things now, including disagreements cause it brings back painful memories. The min I upset anyone I take the blame and start be littling my own self. People stopped messaging me on here, now I'm thinking Heh... I know why. I'm messed up, who wants to talk to someone who's like that. Not stupid I know people frown on it, people who are depressed. I'm Manic Depressive. They say I may even have borderline. What other terms they going to put on me... Doctors.. heh. They help sure but having to go and talk about it hurts, I just want all this to go away but it won't. I rather face it now than later but there's days it gets so painful that all I do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Guess they're right you know? Good things always happen to good people. And that really gets to me a lot.....

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yes that would mean a lot to me. Thank you. It's been awhile since I talked to anyone online cause I've been hiding out on most days but I'd like that a lot.

 

[Walley]

Good things always happen to good people.

i wish that were the case.. but unfortunately that isnt how life works.

you know i feel ALOT like you do in much of your post..

There's days where I think noone wants to talk to me or feel too upset to want to talk to anyone. Than after I feel better, I feel bad for not talking to anyone and fear that they'll be mad at me so I stay away longer. Always try to avoid things now, including disagreements cause it brings back painful memories. The min I upset anyone I take the blame and start be littling my own self.

especially that!
i just went through a spell of that myself just last week. i am the same way!
(((hugggs)))

 

[IgnoredOne]

Nemesis holds all of the answers you need.

 

[shelbydanielle]

I actually have Bipolar Disorder. although diagnosed and prescribed Lithium, i still have many moments when i feel like the world is the palm of my hand, and in the next i feel like it is out to get me. my psychiatric told me that it was unavoidable considering my family history and traumatic events during my childhood. despite this, i want you, among everyone else to understand it gets better. even if you know there will be another day, week, month or even year of depression ahead, you CAN control it. i try desperately to control my feelings and the effect of my disorder on my friends and family. however, you still need to pull yourself out of bed, drudge to the bath (even if you have to take 20 because of the smothering of the water and the sickness of the heat), and get yourself dressed. there are things that will happen to you that you cannot control. but you CAN control how fast you bounce back from it. just wanted anyone that reads this to know that.

grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference


hope i helped
shelby

 

[Lilianna]

Thank you for your post Shelby, it is a real encouragement.

Sorry I forgot to quote the post.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Yeah it lifted me up cause I feel alone most of the time and it's comforting to know there's people out there who understand. Cause not many people understand me half the time cause of my moods and the way I think.

 

[IgnoredOne]

My frustration with it all is that people seem to ultimately want to do nothing about the evil in the world. Perhaps it takes revelation as it did for me, but I would think that nothing would make one more intent on punishing evil than to have seen it and experience - instead, though, they seem so glad to let something like 'karma' or 'God' and disown any responsibility of their own to do anything, to do what is necessary.

I find that sad...pitiful, really.

There is nothing free, nothing easy in this world; pretty banners and slogans mean nothing. In the end, justice is done and undone through blood and determination, and there is nothing else. With vast exceptions, its safe to consider that there is no one out there to save us and we must determine our fate through drive and ruthlessness.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Nemesis holds all of the answers you need.

Are you referring to the "Nemesis" of Greeky mythology?

My frustration with it all is that people seem to ultimately want to do nothing about the evil in the world... to do what is necessary.

There is nothing free, nothing easy in this world... In the end, justice is done and undone through blood and determination... its safe to consider that there is no one out there to save us and we must determine our fate through drive and ruthlessness.

Out of curiosity, could you clarify what you mean by "to do what is necessary?"

Could you also define "blood" and "ruthlessness" in the context of that last paragraph?