The hard part about love

[CenotaphGirl]

Ramblings… no need to respond


So whats life like with my ex now im in a real relationship.

Difficult!!!

My ex has tried every way to punish me since being with Rob. I sent him a whole list of security things to buy for my house and he wouldnt, even rudely asked me to change things to cheaper alternatives (my ex has money guys, I can afford it too but its the principle that he should really pay). It’s his responsibility and im tired of being nice to that abusive loser.

Omg, in one night, Rob got me the whole set of everything I asked for and even paid for professional installation and I remember thinking… wow what a man, what a provider and protector unlike some people.

My ex has been violent with me on one occasion since I have been with Rob and it was after Rob paid for everything, I said some really harsh words to him, even some things that were very out of line (like even Rob told me off) but I hate my ex so… whatever. Rob made it clear though that violence against me will not be tolerated no matter what I say. But I wont abuse that.

My ex has become more aggressive, even saying he wants to sleep with me, i told him oh wrong number, and he said no, he wants us to hook up since I want his money. How rude ! I said he should be a good man and pay for his responsibilities, and dont be so crude. So now Rob has asked us to take the whole matter to court. As I dont need the money its a little awkward, I feel like I dont want to, so Rob said if I wont take it to court then I shouldnt complain about it anymore as it seems like an excuse to message my ex. Now im mad at both of them I love Rob but… wtf. Trying to get my ex to be a good father is now just some sort of excuse. Anywho… we arent arguing I was just a little annoyed. I hate my ex, I wish I had an excuse to beat him with a stick not message him. However we are both immature and it shows when you are with a man sooo much older

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Ramblings… no need to respond


So whats life like with my ex now im in a real relationship.

Difficult!!!

My ex has tried every way to punish me since being with Rob. I sent him a whole list of security things to buy for my house and he wouldnt, even rudely asked me to change things to cheaper alternatives (my ex has money guys, I can afford it too but its the principle that he should really pay). It’s his responsibility and im tired of being nice to that abusive loser.

Omg, in one night, Rob got me the whole set of everything I asked for and even paid for professional installation and I remember thinking… wow what a man, what a provider and protector unlike some people.

My ex has been violent with me on one occasion since I have been with Rob and it was after Rob paid for everything, I said some really harsh words to him, even some things that were very out of line (like even Rob told me off) but I hate my ex so… whatever. Rob made it clear though that violence against me will not be tolerated no matter what I say. But I wont abuse that.

My ex has become more aggressive, even saying he wants to sleep with me, i told him oh wrong number, and he said no, he wants us to hook up since I want his money. How rude ! I said he should be a good man and pay for his responsibilities, and dont be so crude. So now Rob has asked us to take the whole matter to court. As I dont need the money its a little awkward, I feel like I dont want to, so Rob said if I wont take it to court then I shouldnt complain about it anymore as it seems like an excuse to message my ex. Now im mad at both of them I love Rob but… wtf. Trying to get my ex to be a good father is now just some sort of excuse. Anywho… we arent arguing I was just a little annoyed. I hate my ex, I wish I had an excuse to beat him with a stick not message him. However we are both immature and it shows when you are with a man sooo much older

All men have a natural proclivity to violence. It's part of the hunter instinct in us.
Rather we act upon that or not is the make or break. It's rarely ever actually warranted.
In a bar fight with another drunkard of a man? Okay yes, that's warranted.
Somebody breaks into your home, tries to steal your belongings? Okay yes, that's warranted.
Somebody tries to bring physical harm to you, your family, and your loved ones? Yes, that's warranted.

But because you're angry because you lost a woman?
That's not a warranted reason.

If he was thinking clearly and logically when you told him to pay for his responsibilities, what he should have extrapolated from that is: "Well, what are my responsibilities?" Because that's where all of his problems lie.

Now there is a difference between a responsibility that you yourself take on, and a responsibility that is hoisted upon you by other people. Sometimes it's the first, sometimes it's the later, and sometimes it's sort of in the between. A lot of the time, it's in the between. But the problem is: Ain't nobody want to take responsibility, so the larger majority of people are just shoveling it around strategically through social means.

Personally, I make it a point not to put myself in that kind of a position in the first place.
I own my responsibilities and in doing so I first and foremost have to have a clear understanding of what my responsibilities are, and rather I chose them or if they are shared responsibilities or if they are passed onto me.

I reject most responsibilities that are passed onto me. Largely in part because I grew up inheriting them. And if you've ever seen or read The Shining, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." HOWEVER, I will occasionally help with shared responsibilities. I'm okay with being The Help, because I understand that most people just haven't figured this crap out yet, and so I help people come to conclusions for themselves. But at no point am I ever going to let myself change from being The Help to being The Servant. It's just not in me. Again, because I grew up with forced inheritance of labor or indentured servitude. Could be because I'm getting older, but I mean, that's become a rather triggering tipping point of a difference for me, and I don't like going to that part of my mind, because it makes me wig out in a way that usually scares people, so I had to think and build my way around it.

If more men had more understanding of themselves on an emotional level they would be able to control their emotions better, which would actually prevent a great deal of frustration and exhaustion for both men and women alike.

My point is:
The whole thing could have been avoided if they had this understanding about themselves.
And it would have kept you from being twisted into such a tiring tussle yourself, as well.

I'm sorry, Ceno.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

All men have a natural proclivity to violence. It's part of the hunter instinct in us.
Rather we act upon that or not is the make or break. It's rarely ever actually warranted.
In a bar fight with another drunkard of a man? Okay yes, that's warranted.
Somebody breaks into your home, tries to steal your belongings? Okay yes, that's warranted.
Somebody tries to bring physical harm to you, your family, and your loved ones? Yes, that's warranted.

But because you're angry because you lost a woman?
That's not a warranted reason.

If he was thinking clearly and logically when you told him to pay for his responsibilities, what he should have extrapolated from that is: "Well, what are my responsibilities?" Because that's where all of his problems lie.

Now there is a difference between a responsibility that you yourself take on, and a responsibility that is hoisted upon you by other people. Sometimes it's the first, sometimes it's the later, and sometimes it's sort of in the between. A lot of the time, it's in the between. But the problem is: Ain't nobody want to take responsibility, so the larger majority of people are just shoveling it around strategically through social means.

Personally, I make it a point not to put myself in that kind of a position in the first place.
I own my responsibilities and in doing so I first and foremost have to have a clear understanding of what my responsibilities are, and rather I chose them or if they are shared responsibilities or if they are passed onto me.

I reject most responsibilities that are passed onto me. Largely in part because I grew up inheriting them. And if you've ever seen or read The Shining, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." HOWEVER, I will occasionally help with shared responsibilities. I'm okay with being The Help, because I understand that most people just haven't figured this crap out yet, and so I help people come to conclusions for themselves. But at no point am I ever going to let myself change from being The Help to being The Servant. It's just not in me. Again, because I grew up with forced inheritance of labor or indentured servitude. Could be because I'm getting older, but I mean, that's become a rather triggering tipping point of a difference for me, and I don't like going to that part of my mind, because it makes me wig out in a way that usually scares people, so I had to think and build my way around it.

If more men had more understanding of themselves on an emotional level they would be able to control their emotions better, which would actually prevent a great deal of frustration and exhaustion for both men and women alike.

My point is:
The whole thing could have been avoided if they had this understanding about themselves.
And it would have kept you from being twisted into such a tiring tussle yourself, as well.

I'm sorry, Ceno.

This is the thing, he had a daughter and I love her loads but he acts as if providing for her is something I need to pimp myself out for. Its disgusting.

Whats so hard about being a good father? Why is there always some lame excuse?

I wish he could understand his responsibilities as a man but obviously not, he is just as far from a man as you’ll ever find Apexie

 

[TheRealCallie]

hmm, Is Rob American? I though it was only us who were so sue happy. lol
There are likely several options you can try before going to the court. That said, if it's YOUR house, in America, it would be YOUR responsibility to pay for and have it installed, since you are technically the landlord. That said, if it's in both your names, he has just as much of a right legally to do what he wants. So I guess the question is, who is legally responsible for the house?


Now, as for him being a donkey now, that's a pretty simple one, IMO. He likely wants you waiting around for him as a backup for when he gets tired of whatever girl he's seeing. It's the whole "I don't want you (right now), but I'll be damned if anyone else is going to have you." If you have a new guy, he no longer has access.

I wish he could understand his responsibilities as a man

Well see, you have very different ideas of what a man's responsibilities are. (I think we've all learned this. lol) Try not to put your beliefs onto other people. You'll be disappointed the majority of the time.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

hmm, Is Rob American? I though it was only us who were so sue happy. lol
There are likely several options you can try before going to the court. That said, if it's YOUR house, in America, it would be YOUR responsibility to pay for and have it installed, since you are technically the landlord. That said, if it's in both your names, he has just as much of a right legally to do what he wants. So I guess the question is, who is legally responsible for the house?


Now, as for him being a donkey now, that's a pretty simple one, IMO. He likely wants you waiting around for him as a backup for when he gets tired of whatever girl he's seeing. It's the whole "I don't want you (right now), but I'll be damned if anyone else is going to have you." If you have a new guy, he no longer has access.



Well see, you have very different ideas of what a man's responsibilities are. (I think we've all learned this. lol) Try not to put your beliefs onto other people. You'll be disappointed the majority of the time.

Rob is not an American me and an American would never last, im too annoying for them

Its my house legally but if his daughter is staying I wanted safety measures in place as its victorian and not the best environment for her at current. His responsibility is to protect his daughter, thats just a given. So… why wont he just do that? I dont even want all that modern technology in my victorian house but heres me being responsible and putting my wants and needs second.

I said to him I will just see her in the day then, as its not safe but his family business runs at night so its no help that way. Rob felt like we were arguing over pennies so he just paid it.

Rob wanted me to go to court and literally put my ex on “child maintenance” buttt feels wrong. So maybe I have to just shut up and ignore that my ex is about as much of a man as my gold fish.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Rob is not an American me and an American would never last, im too annoying for them

Its my house legally but if his daughter is staying I wanted safety measures in place as its victorian and not the best environment for her at current. His responsibility is to protect his daughter, thats just a given. So… why wont he just do that? I dont even want all that modern technology in my victorian house but heres me being responsible and putting my wants and needs second.

I said to him I will just see her in the day then, as its not safe but his family business runs at night so its no help that way. Rob felt like we were arguing over pennies so he just paid it.

Rob wanted me to go to court and literally put my ex on “child maintenance” buttt feels wrong. So maybe I have to just shut up and ignore that my ex is about as much of a man as my gold fish.

Given that it's legally your house, a court would never side with you on that one. At least for having safety measures installed in the house.

I'm not sure what child maintenance is...is it Child support? Like YOU would have custody of her and he would pay you? If that's the case, you would have to prove that you are the more reliable parent and are therefore safer for the child to be with. Granted, this is all going off how it is in America, it might be different over there.

I would say, if you want something done in the house a certain way, pay for it to be done. Not what you want to hear, but that's the reality of the situation.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Given that it's legally your house, a court would never side with you on that one. At least for having safety measures installed in the house.

I'm not sure what child maintenance is...is it Child support? Like YOU would have custody of her and he would pay you? If that's the case, you would have to prove that you are the more reliable parent and are therefore safer for the child to be with. Granted, this is all going off how it is in America, it might be different over there.

I would say, if you want something done in the house a certain way, pay for it to be done. Not what you want to hear, but that's the reality of the situation.

Well my partner has paid but she’s not his child and really not his responsibility. I dont want anything done in my house, but he wants his daughter with me at night, so he should pay what it costs to make it safe for her. If thats what he wants.

Its like she didnt have a bed at my house, so he bought one for her, its my house but she had no where to sleep. I dont see any difference I just want it to be suitable.

He makes me feel like saying okay, I wont have her at nights then, and have no care for her safety either. But thats childish and just going to affect her.

The court is to take him for child maintenance, so he can be responsible but our law is different than the US no one has to have sole custody, its based on division of labour for the child.

I do way more for my daughter in one day than he’s done her whole life. Its never enough, im getting too stressed.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

 

[Unsigned]

but he wants his daughter with me at night,

So this is your step daughter?
Maybe he wants her with you at night as a way of still having access to your life.
I've not heard of a step parent doing this type of thing (you seem to be going way above and beyond here), but if you want this guy out of your life, maybe you shouldn't be taking care of his kid?

Bottom line, he's going to keep causing problems for you as long as you are taking care of his kid.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

So this is your step daughter?
Maybe he wants her with you at night as a way of still having access to your life.
I've not heard of a step parent doing this type of thing (you seem to be going way above and beyond here), but if you want this guy out of your life, maybe you shouldn't be taking care of his kid?

Bottom line, he's going to keep causing problems for you as long as you are taking care of his kid.

Its such a complicated situation, her birth mother has been unwell since the birth of her. Shes been my daughter ever since, I have legal rights but I didnt birth her. I have been with my ex since 16/7 and he had a pregnant girlfriend at the time.

Because I didnt birth her people assume I can just walk away but its not that simple and I wouldnt if I could to be honest. Shes mine, and I treat her no differently to how I will treat my biological children.

You are right, I go above and beyond for her but its never enough.

 

[Unsigned]

I have legal rights

OK then, if you are her legal guardian, that's totally different.
I get it now.

 

[Rvanson]

All men have a natural proclivity to violence. It's part of the hunter instinct in us.
Rather we act upon that or not is the make or break. It's rarely ever actually warranted.
In a bar fight with another drunkard of a man? Okay yes, that's warranted.
Somebody breaks into your home, tries to steal your belongings? Okay yes, that's warranted.

"All men have a natural proclivity to violence"?

Balony. Some men, particularly bar-hoppers, are violent men, many of who have been in prison. Don't paint us all with that nonsense, pally.

 

[Rvanson]

Ramblings… no need to respond


So whats life like with my ex now im in a real relationship.

Difficult!!!

My ex has tried every way to punish me since being with Rob. I sent him a whole list of security things to buy for my house and he wouldnt, even rudely asked me to change things to cheaper alternatives (my ex has money guys, I can afford it too but its the principle that he should really pay). It’s his responsibility and im tired of being nice to that abusive loser.

Omg, in one night, Rob got me the whole set of everything I asked for and even paid for professional installation and I remember thinking… wow what a man, what a provider and protector unlike some people.

My ex has been violent with me on one occasion since I have been with Rob and it was after Rob paid for everything, I said some really harsh words to him, even some things that were very out of line (like even Rob told me off) but I hate my ex so… whatever. Rob made it clear though that violence against me will not be tolerated no matter what I say. But I wont abuse that.

My ex has become more aggressive, even saying he wants to sleep with me, i told him oh wrong number, and he said no, he wants us to hook up since I want his money. How rude ! I said he should be a good man and pay for his responsibilities, and dont be so crude. So now Rob has asked us to take the whole matter to court. As I dont need the money its a little awkward, I feel like I dont want to, so Rob said if I wont take it to court then I shouldnt complain about it anymore as it seems like an excuse to message my ex. Now im mad at both of them I love Rob but… wtf. Trying to get my ex to be a good father is now just some sort of excuse. Anywho… we arent arguing I was just a little annoyed. I hate my ex, I wish I had an excuse to beat him with a stick not message him. However we are both immature and it shows when you are with a man sooo much older

If any man is violent with you, it will only get worse. You need to move on. I don't mean myself, but a decent man who won't hurt you. Unless that is what you want, and many women choose to be with violent men for "protection". If you have to provoke a man to harm you, you need help.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

"All men have a natural proclivity to violence"?

Balony. Some men, particularly bar-hoppers, are violent men, many of who have been in prison. Don't paint us all with that nonsense, pally.

Context. Because if the subtext was as relevant as the context, than it would just be the context, and not the subtext.
The context in plain and blunt English is that it has to do with our instinctual and ancestral past from us being hunters.
Scenario:
Another man breaks into your house.
Your instinct is to defend yourself and call for help, not to hide in your closet like a horror movie trope.
The point is, it's there for a logical reason, not for an illogical reason.
Square peg, round hole.

 

[sub5male]

Context. Because if the subtext was as relevant as the context, than it would just be the context, and not the subtext.
The context in plain and blunt English is that it has to do with our instinctual and ancestral past from us being hunters.
Scenario:
Another man breaks into your house.
Your instinct is to defend yourself and call for help, not to hide in your closet like a horror movie trope.
The point is, it's there for a logical reason, not for an illogical reason.
Square peg, round hole.

https://source.wustl.edu/2005/02/early-humans-were-prey-not-killers/

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

https://source.wustl.edu/2005/02/early-humans-were-prey-not-killers/

This is concerned with Australopithecus, not Homo Sapiens. For that matter, Homo Naledi also exists. I'm talking about Homo Sapiens, not Australopithecus and Homo Naledi. Potentially Denisovans and Neanderthals at the latest.

I will acknowledge that yes there was a time when we were the hunted instead.
But the fact of the matter is that ancestrally if we never invented tools and became the hunters than we wouldn't be here at all and the whole thing would lose meaning, value, purpose, and tbh man, what's this have to do with either my contextual reframe or OPs original post?

If we develop addictions to coffee and other substances in a span of 20 years, if it's been 10s of thousands of years, or even a few hundred thousand years before we had those problems, and before we developed tools and became meat eaters, don't you think that's a little too far back to be relevant to the problems that we now have?

Don't get me wrong, I love history, and I love science, but science and history are not going to fix my immediate socio-economic and social dynamic problems, if anything science and history chart and document why those problems keep occurring in the first place. Our social constructionism is bad. It's an old design. But until someone formulaically and properly puts forth a better model to the U.N. it's kind of what we're stuck with. And even if they did, I don't think those politicians would buy into it. Why would they? They're benefiting from the scramble of everyone else because it keeps everyone else on auto-pilot and off task and off focus allowing them to herd us around like cattle. I think it's pretty obvious that collapse is inevitable, after all, every other civilization collapsed, right?

So, in the bleak fashion of American taxation:
Would you like to be skinned from the neck-down, or the ankle-up?
If the result is the same either way, does it really matter?

 

[TheSkaFish]

Ramblings… no need to respond


So whats life like with my ex now im in a real relationship.

Difficult!!!

My ex has tried every way to punish me since being with Rob. I sent him a whole list of security things to buy for my house and he wouldnt, even rudely asked me to change things to cheaper alternatives (my ex has money guys, I can afford it too but its the principle that he should really pay). It’s his responsibility and im tired of being nice to that abusive loser.

Omg, in one night, Rob got me the whole set of everything I asked for and even paid for professional installation and I remember thinking… wow what a man, what a provider and protector unlike some people.

My ex has been violent with me on one occasion since I have been with Rob and it was after Rob paid for everything, I said some really harsh words to him, even some things that were very out of line (like even Rob told me off) but I hate my ex so… whatever. Rob made it clear though that violence against me will not be tolerated no matter what I say. But I wont abuse that.

My ex has become more aggressive, even saying he wants to sleep with me, i told him oh wrong number, and he said no, he wants us to hook up since I want his money. How rude ! I said he should be a good man and pay for his responsibilities, and dont be so crude. So now Rob has asked us to take the whole matter to court. As I dont need the money its a little awkward, I feel like I dont want to, so Rob said if I wont take it to court then I shouldnt complain about it anymore as it seems like an excuse to message my ex. Now im mad at both of them I love Rob but… wtf. Trying to get my ex to be a good father is now just some sort of excuse. Anywho… we arent arguing I was just a little annoyed. I hate my ex, I wish I had an excuse to beat him with a stick not message him. However we are both immature and it shows when you are with a man sooo much older

I think that if there's any way you could do it, that you should cut your ex out completely.

Trying to make him be responsible and decent isn't going to work if he just straight up doesn't want to be.
You want him to be a good man, but he just isn't one, and doesn't want to be either. He'll never agree that anything he's doing is wrong or see how it's a problem, because he just doesn't see it that way.

This guy has always sounded like he's been spoiled rotten all his life, never told "no, you can't have this/do this, you're out of line, you need to shut up and sit down" so now he thinks all of life is all his way, all the time. That's what his environment has conditioned him to believe is true and right, the way things SHOULD be. If you believe you're essentially a prince, then everyone else exists to obey you, and when they don't, all hell breaks loose.

As you said, you don't need the money, so I don't think you need the stress of dealing with him at all. I just think you're in a happier place now, and trying to make your ex do the right thing is more trouble than it's worth.

 

[Rvanson]

Context. Because if the subtext was as relevant as the context, than it would just be the context, and not the subtext.
The context in plain and blunt English is that it has to do with our instinctual and ancestral past from us being hunters.
Scenario:
Another man breaks into your house.
Your instinct is to defend yourself and call for help, not to hide in your closet like a horror movie trope.
The point is, it's there for a logical reason, not for an illogical reason.
Square peg, round hole.

Hide in a closet? I am not a man who would do that scared of an intruder. I would shoot or stab anyone entering my abode, unlawfully. I don't call 911. I call on a firearm or a blade. By the time the police get there someone is already very wounded or dead. If the intruder was still alive I would call 911 since I am not a killer.

It would all be settled in a court of law. Since I am not a felon I have a right to own a gun, and a right to protect myself from anyone who try's to harm me. I have no wish to harm anyone.

 

[Rvanson]

Given that it's legally your house, a court would never side with you on that one. At least for having safety measures installed in the house.

I'm not sure what child maintenance is...is it Child support? Like YOU would have custody of her and he would pay you? If that's the case, you would have to prove that you are the more reliable parent and are therefore safer for the child to be with. Granted, this is all going off how it is in America, it might be different over there.

I would say, if you want something done in the house a certain way, pay for it to be done. Not what you want to hear, but that's the reality of the situation.

Yeap, in 90 percent of divorces, the woman gets to keep the children. The man might well be given visitation but for only a short period of time per month. Oftentimes the woman brings a man in, with no prerequisites to find out if he has a criminal past, which could affect the children. The US child protective agencies are a joke. The ex-husband needs to find out if this
"man" has been incarcerated, as such women go for the Alpha bad-boys all too often.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Hide in a closet? I am not a man who would do that scared of an intruder. I would shoot or stab anyone entering my abode, unlawfully. I don't call 911. I call on a firearm or a blade. By the time the police get there someone is already very wounded or dead. If the intruder was still alive I would call 911 since I am not a killer.

It would all be settled in a court of law. Since I am not a felon I have a right to own a gun, and a right to protect myself from anyone who try's to harm me. I have no wish to harm anyone.

It's the only reason to own a gun. I own a gun for that exact reason myself. Home defense is important, world is going to honeysuckle, I live in a rough area. I'm not too far away from Orlando, wherein a couple of months ago a man shot someone and left the crime scene, then came back a few hours later, shot the reporter who was there to report about it, and randomly entered the nearby home of an elderly woman and her grandson wherein he shot both the old woman and her 7 year old grandson before the police got to him.