Nghtrain36
Well-known member
At this point I almost feel like I'm spamming this forum site with my problems but I think I feel most comfortable talking about my problems on this site. The people here are actually nice and very helpful and so far have slowly helped put my life back together but now comes one of the biggest problems. I can only hope that someone can help me brave this terrible issue and this might be difficult to explain and be lengthy but please try to bear with it. This is the only place where I think I can find help.
Put in a nutshell, I'm a slave to my own hell. The whole problem began when I first entered adolescence. At that point I had only 3 friends and a very sheltered life. I had no real sociality. No one at school really talked to me and my friends rarely asked me to do anything with them. Eventually I became lonely and bored. I couldn't speak aloud without being treated differently. Eventually I saught refuge in adults, talking only with them because they were so much more mature. I started taking after them and spoke politely and wisely. That's where this whole hell began.
Eventually I started moving along with my life at a rapid pace. I looked at some of the situations the adults were in, how terrible life seemed. I was frightened (and still am) that my life would one day be that way. With all the pain and suffering that came with it.
I started my adulthood at only 13 years of age, studying and trying to enter the world as quick as I could. Now I'm a 100% workaholic. I had no time for friends back then, and I still don't like to do anything besides work. What do I work on? I practice my hardest at my favorite hobby of writing. I type on my computer endlessly though I tend to find my stories lacking some key element that I can't see yet. I also spend whatever money I have on art supplies to further my drawing abilities. I also use music too, as I practice playing my keyboard alot and I've already composed a few songs. I have limited use of my thumbs while I play though as they get in the way. Along with my "working hobbies" I also study Herbology and I love it dearly. It's so interesting of how mere plants can heal flus and such. I'm into dream studies as well to help further what dilemmas my mind is going through. I've only a grasp of what my dreams tell me, but a lead is better than nothing. Those studies are what I work hardest on as they are the trickiest to learn. But I find myself trying too hard to enter the world and make something of myself and using every ounce of power to make a structure for my life to begin. Still though, I've noticed that my life has yet to become a hell. Little have I known that I'm already in hell. I spend my life slaving away to make sure that I have some ground to stand on as my life slowly worsens.
The only time I can release myself from work is when I ride in the car to go somewhere as I can't bring too many of my studies with me. So I can finally relax and rest while listening to my music. But once I get home I feel that I must get back to work or I'll be wasting my life. I used to be a very accomplished gamer and even won some money off of tournaments and such. Those days are over even though I miss them. I can't make too much of myself if I waste my time on such stuff. So I continue to work on my hobbies to hopefully make something of myself before it all goes downhill. I've also drifted away from my friends and even my family, my friends keep telling me that I need to get out and see the world but I always tell them that "I have better things to do then to waste my time on something as petty as that..."
I pity myself, as now I can't even help but to work, I can't waste my time on anything. But bear with me now as I enter part 2 of this long story. When I was young I made a terrible mistake. I let my parents spoil me beyond any possible belief. I was a rather beastly little child, it was alway what I wanted and got. Never would have I guessed that two (or technically three) of my family members who I sought to for money would die. My great-grandmother and my grandfather were like slaves to me and when they died I felt just wretched. Now I'm to the point to where I don't even accept food from what little family I have left out of disgust for thinking that life could be so simple. If I want something I have to work for it, and that means everything. That's how the world works right? I only have my grandmother and my mom left and they worry for me as they watch me work day and night.
They say that such a great personality should not be kept from the world. Luckily from seeing the world fully, I have become a "master" at speechcraft. I know what to say and when to say it which really helps me communicate. If only I had someone to communicate with. I have never once seriously argued with anyone and I mean ANYONE. I'm very agreeable and kind, but extremely quiet. Part of me has nothing to say but another part wants to speak up and be with everyone. When I talk to people though I notice how the world is still immature. They think it's all right to waste their lives on meaningless tasks or poisoning themselves with everything evil. I think otherwise, I stay away from the rough crowd but that seems to be just about anyone anymore. That's why I like talking with people on here. A lot of people here are easier to talk to, and alot more mature so I can finally talk with like-minded people.
Now for the last part. Long post I know but this is the only place I can vent stuff like this. I have this terrible tendency to look at the bad side of things. I'm Mr. Gloom 'n Doom in public. I've built this near constant aura of negativity, but I suppose that might've come from trying to live my life maturely. I can't help but to see only the bad and I make even my friends kind of gloomy from just being around them. Age 15 now and I tried finding ways to bring myself out of the dark and into the light. I became fascinated with angels at this time, and I still am as I see them as avatars of hope and joy. I always daydream of finding one, and maybe they can bring me out of my hell already. That's the main reason why I try so hard to date as I'm hoping that one day I'll find a girl who I can call my angel, and she can help me straighten out this mess. Problem is though, I can't leave my house to socialize due to being a workaholic. During the rare moments that I do go out to try and socialize I still can't enjoy myself. All my friends are having fun and I always fake having fun as well but inside I just still feel like I'm wasting my life. "I should be working not messing around..." I always end up thinking and going home still unfulfilled and ready to get back to work. My friends see right through me anymore and know that I'm not who I want to be. I want to be more positive and enjoy what life I've been missing out on. But inside I can't. I just can't help but to keep thinking that I need to keep from wasting my life and build something for me to live off of once my parents are gone. I find myself fighting their help to practice living the hard life and getting used to it.
Being alone and isolated from people has grown to have destroyed me now, and I'm in a constant state of work perfecting myself and becoming everything I can be to help build a structure for my life to begin, but at this rate I'm slowly plunging into despair and pain. I can only hope that someone here can pull me out of this funk or even just give me some friendly advice. Sorry to bore you all with my life story here, and thank you for reading. Hopefully someone can help me clear this incredibly hard part of my life. Thank you all again for reading, and to those as well that have helped me on here.
Put in a nutshell, I'm a slave to my own hell. The whole problem began when I first entered adolescence. At that point I had only 3 friends and a very sheltered life. I had no real sociality. No one at school really talked to me and my friends rarely asked me to do anything with them. Eventually I became lonely and bored. I couldn't speak aloud without being treated differently. Eventually I saught refuge in adults, talking only with them because they were so much more mature. I started taking after them and spoke politely and wisely. That's where this whole hell began.
Eventually I started moving along with my life at a rapid pace. I looked at some of the situations the adults were in, how terrible life seemed. I was frightened (and still am) that my life would one day be that way. With all the pain and suffering that came with it.
I started my adulthood at only 13 years of age, studying and trying to enter the world as quick as I could. Now I'm a 100% workaholic. I had no time for friends back then, and I still don't like to do anything besides work. What do I work on? I practice my hardest at my favorite hobby of writing. I type on my computer endlessly though I tend to find my stories lacking some key element that I can't see yet. I also spend whatever money I have on art supplies to further my drawing abilities. I also use music too, as I practice playing my keyboard alot and I've already composed a few songs. I have limited use of my thumbs while I play though as they get in the way. Along with my "working hobbies" I also study Herbology and I love it dearly. It's so interesting of how mere plants can heal flus and such. I'm into dream studies as well to help further what dilemmas my mind is going through. I've only a grasp of what my dreams tell me, but a lead is better than nothing. Those studies are what I work hardest on as they are the trickiest to learn. But I find myself trying too hard to enter the world and make something of myself and using every ounce of power to make a structure for my life to begin. Still though, I've noticed that my life has yet to become a hell. Little have I known that I'm already in hell. I spend my life slaving away to make sure that I have some ground to stand on as my life slowly worsens.
The only time I can release myself from work is when I ride in the car to go somewhere as I can't bring too many of my studies with me. So I can finally relax and rest while listening to my music. But once I get home I feel that I must get back to work or I'll be wasting my life. I used to be a very accomplished gamer and even won some money off of tournaments and such. Those days are over even though I miss them. I can't make too much of myself if I waste my time on such stuff. So I continue to work on my hobbies to hopefully make something of myself before it all goes downhill. I've also drifted away from my friends and even my family, my friends keep telling me that I need to get out and see the world but I always tell them that "I have better things to do then to waste my time on something as petty as that..."
I pity myself, as now I can't even help but to work, I can't waste my time on anything. But bear with me now as I enter part 2 of this long story. When I was young I made a terrible mistake. I let my parents spoil me beyond any possible belief. I was a rather beastly little child, it was alway what I wanted and got. Never would have I guessed that two (or technically three) of my family members who I sought to for money would die. My great-grandmother and my grandfather were like slaves to me and when they died I felt just wretched. Now I'm to the point to where I don't even accept food from what little family I have left out of disgust for thinking that life could be so simple. If I want something I have to work for it, and that means everything. That's how the world works right? I only have my grandmother and my mom left and they worry for me as they watch me work day and night.
They say that such a great personality should not be kept from the world. Luckily from seeing the world fully, I have become a "master" at speechcraft. I know what to say and when to say it which really helps me communicate. If only I had someone to communicate with. I have never once seriously argued with anyone and I mean ANYONE. I'm very agreeable and kind, but extremely quiet. Part of me has nothing to say but another part wants to speak up and be with everyone. When I talk to people though I notice how the world is still immature. They think it's all right to waste their lives on meaningless tasks or poisoning themselves with everything evil. I think otherwise, I stay away from the rough crowd but that seems to be just about anyone anymore. That's why I like talking with people on here. A lot of people here are easier to talk to, and alot more mature so I can finally talk with like-minded people.
Now for the last part. Long post I know but this is the only place I can vent stuff like this. I have this terrible tendency to look at the bad side of things. I'm Mr. Gloom 'n Doom in public. I've built this near constant aura of negativity, but I suppose that might've come from trying to live my life maturely. I can't help but to see only the bad and I make even my friends kind of gloomy from just being around them. Age 15 now and I tried finding ways to bring myself out of the dark and into the light. I became fascinated with angels at this time, and I still am as I see them as avatars of hope and joy. I always daydream of finding one, and maybe they can bring me out of my hell already. That's the main reason why I try so hard to date as I'm hoping that one day I'll find a girl who I can call my angel, and she can help me straighten out this mess. Problem is though, I can't leave my house to socialize due to being a workaholic. During the rare moments that I do go out to try and socialize I still can't enjoy myself. All my friends are having fun and I always fake having fun as well but inside I just still feel like I'm wasting my life. "I should be working not messing around..." I always end up thinking and going home still unfulfilled and ready to get back to work. My friends see right through me anymore and know that I'm not who I want to be. I want to be more positive and enjoy what life I've been missing out on. But inside I can't. I just can't help but to keep thinking that I need to keep from wasting my life and build something for me to live off of once my parents are gone. I find myself fighting their help to practice living the hard life and getting used to it.
Being alone and isolated from people has grown to have destroyed me now, and I'm in a constant state of work perfecting myself and becoming everything I can be to help build a structure for my life to begin, but at this rate I'm slowly plunging into despair and pain. I can only hope that someone here can pull me out of this funk or even just give me some friendly advice. Sorry to bore you all with my life story here, and thank you for reading. Hopefully someone can help me clear this incredibly hard part of my life. Thank you all again for reading, and to those as well that have helped me on here.
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