Trouble connecting with people

[Matt643]

42, male. I've been struggling with this issue my whole life and although I know it won't magically be solved by posting on this forum, I thought it wouldn't hurt to maybe get some more opinions and views.

I'll get straight to the core of it. My problem might seem funny to some, and most people I talked about it with just don't understand how is that a problem because that is supposed to "come naturally". But for me it just doesn't and it's a huge problem. In a social situation, I just don't know how to go from talking to something more, by that i mean something towards a relationship (same problem for friendships). In other words I don't know how to "escalate" the situation if you know what I mean. I'm terrible at reading "signals", I'm never sure if something I want to say or do is appropriate. Straight up asking or telling how I feel also didn't work in the past. I have no problem talking to people, as long as the conversation is actually about something. I also do a ton of interaction at work, I don't have any problem or anxiety in situations like asking for directions, going to stores or other services, if I need to get something done, etc. No problem at all with that. I do struggle with small talk though. I just don't know what to say. I've come around that by "learning" some common small talk situations, like some sort of a script. But it's totally fake and I despise it. I have a problem with "unofficial" conversation. Because every "official" conversation (like for example talking to a customer, at a counter, etc.) involves a degree of "unofficial" conversation (like some joking, etc). This is the part I really struggle with. Unfortunately for me it's that unofficial side of interactions that deeper relationships develop from.

I tried online dating. I went on a couple of dates. I had the same problem, I didn't know how to proceed / respond, so basically nothing happened and we said goodbye at the end. I felt stupid and embarrassed.

I am an introvert, probably on the more extreme end of the spectrum. By that I mean that most of the time I genuinely enjoy being by myself, doing things by myself, going places by myself, etc. I do have hobbies, I go to places, concerts, hikes, on vacation etc. I'm not closed up somewhere avoiding people. But at the same time I do long for that connection with someone.

I do have other aspects of my life in order. I have a degree, I have my own successful IT business and I'm really proud of this aspect of me. I worked hard for it, but it paid off. I also feel very confident about my professional competences. I exercise regularly, I am reasonably in shape, 190 cm (6'3") tall, reasonably attractive. General belief is that everything else should just follow naturally, right? Well somehow just not for me.

What's been occupying my mind for some time now is the fact that the whole aspect of life that gives the sole purpose in life to most people is absent from me. Therefore I don't really know what to make of or expect from my personal life.

I've been to counseling before, and it was determined that I don't have social anxiety. The advice was to practice social interaction, expose myself to meeting more people and to open up to people more. I've been going to places where there are people but it's hard to chat someone up randomly.

One comment I received in the past is that I'm too serious. Noted that and I'm trying to be more relaxed around people. Not sure it's helping though.

On one hand, I can accept to stay alone and I'm quite content with that. On the other hand, I would also like to try being in a relationship and experience that aspect of life. Also there is general consensus (both in the scientific community and in general population) that such lack of experience at my age is a pretty big deal.

So, the question is, should I do something more about it? Or just accept it? These thoughts are keeping me awake at night from time to time...

 

[Walnut]

I don’t have any advice for you. I have the same problem. I hope you figure something out.

 

[Unsigned]

I do have other aspects of my life in order. I have a degree, I have my own successful IT business and I'm really proud of this aspect of me. I worked hard for it, but it paid off. I also feel very confident about my professional competences. I exercise regularly, I am reasonably in shape, 190 cm (6'3") tall, reasonably attractive. General belief is that everything else should just follow naturally, right? Well somehow just not for me.

Very similar to me.
I was an IT consultant for nearly 30 years (am now a full timer), always made a good living, 6'1", in decent shape, and I suppose I am not quite as ugly as I perceive myself, and yet, no girlfriend. Ever. I am extremely picky regarding looks and build though, so most of my loneliness is my own fault I guess. I am also not one to approach them. Just not something I do. If a beautiful girl had ever thrown herself at me I would have been receptive to her, but that type of thing doesn't happen to guys like me. Also, I started with "professional ladies" when I was still in college, and I am sure that has skewed my thoughts on women quite a bit. I can face it...I'm pretty messed up.

But yeah I agree with Walnut. Hope you can find some happiness.

 

[okidoke]

Ok I can tell you something here. I was the same. This does NOT come naturally as you might think. It’s a learned ability from a young age, even before going to school. You learn certain conversation skills from your parents, and then just get better as you go through life, IF you’re in good situations of mixing with your cohorts where you are not being caused to shut down like being bullied, mocked, etc. it’s all about confidence. Confidence is built in various ways; becoming very skilled at something and having people look up to you and wanting to be around you, or having a position of power and realising you have some influence over people, being extroverted and comedic, and other things where people are drawn to you. I found a great deal of confidence when I honed my skills as a police officer. I was never lording it over people or bullying them or being obnoxious. I just found that I was looked up to and even idolised to some degree and found people being drawn to me and wanting to talk. I learned very quickly how to talk about all sorts of things and began to allow myself to say things I might normally be hesitant to raise for fear of rejection. Also from a young age I always wanted to entertain people (to be liked I guess) so I’ve always been a joker, so I push boundaries at times. These are the ways to push into a relationship situation, you take a risk making a suggestive remark that could lead to a date. We fear rejection, but the alternative is loneliness so sometimes you just have to go for it. It’s a skill that takes practice like anything else. Some people learn quicker than others or get results sooner than others. Life can also smash that ability as well. The trick is too recall your skills, which can be difficult due to certain issues that have crept into one’s life. So that’s my two cents.

 

[Matt643]

Confidence is built in various ways; becoming very skilled at something and having people look up to you and wanting to be around you, or having a position of power and realising you have some influence over people, being extroverted and comedic, and other things where people are drawn to you. I found a great deal of confidence when I honed my skills as a police officer. I was never lording it over people or bullying them or being obnoxious. I just found that I was looked up to and even idolised to some degree and found people being drawn to me and wanting to talk. I learned very quickly how to talk about all sorts of things and began to allow myself to say things I might normally be hesitant to raise for fear of rejection. Also from a young age I always wanted to entertain people (to be liked I guess) so I’ve always been a joker, so I push boundaries at times. These are the ways to push into a relationship situation, you take a risk making a suggestive remark that could lead to a date.

I can definitely relate to that in a way. I've experienced that, but in a work / professional context. People do look up to me regarding my field of work, they value my expertise and opinion. In that way I feel really confident and good about myself. I just don't know how to transfer that into my personal life.

I did try to force myself on occasions, tried to say some things, to push boundaries as you say, but it somehow wasn't received well.

Now if I continue from my first post. There's another reason why this whole thing bothers me. I'm at a point in life and thankfully financially capable where I'm looking to take some bigger steps / changes, one of them being potentially buying a house. In a way, I feel very lucky to be able to do afford this and it seems like a natural thing to do in my career position. But on the other hand, being forever single, I can't help but ask myself what/who for? I certainly don't need it for myself. I'm fully aware that such a thing can be a magnet of sorts, but I wouldn't want someone to want to be with me solely for that. That wouldn't be the kind of person I wish to attract. I would much rather meet someone and then create something together (as most people seem to do) and I think I would enjoy in the process too.

So it's the uncertainty about what to expect or make of my personal life that's killing me in a way. It seems like everyone has a path and follows it. I don't even know what my path is or should look like. It probably sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to live my life. And I feel this all comes from the core problem which I described in my first post. In the past I've gotten countless advice about how I shouldn't worry, just focus on my career, as long as I'm doing well in in other aspects of life, things will fall into place etc. I know now that I was very naive.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your input, I appreciate it.

 

[okidoke]

ok, well, if you have such finances, me personally, i would explore the world. experiences places and people. often travelling makes us more open, a little more extrovert, freer. you can get away with more faux pas if you make them. just don't be an obnoxious pretentious butthole. be nice. be genuine. be interested. i liked going to places less travelled where possible. i like real people, outside the tourist traps. something to think about anyway.

 

[Matt643]

Been doing that, went to a lot of different places, different continents, but guess what... same problems. Besides that, everyone seems to be with someone and it's difficult to make contacts this way. Solo travelers are mostly way younger than me. Now if I was the type of person / had the skills to make 4 new friends while waiting for the bus as some people can, I would have more success. Recently I went on a trip visiting 5 US national parks, surrounded by people everywhere, but apart from occasional Hello, I made zero connections / conversations.

In fact I'm on vacation right now on the beautiful coast of Croatia, which is absolutely stunning btw. I enjoy exploring it, also outside of touristy areas, but as far as meeting people go, I feel totally out of place because there are only couples and families with kids everywhere. They are usually not looking to meet new people but just like to spend time with their loved ones.

I am trying to put some effort into it, but it doesn't seem to bring results.

 

[okidoke]

well, i don't know what else to say except, try something that you haven't tried before and do it more than just once. be inquisitive, genuinely interested in other people. ask open ended questions.

 

[TheRealCallie]

How do you feel about chick flicks? Watch them. No, the situations are fake, but it might give you some idea about how to advance. What to say, how to act, your body language. Real life isn't like the movies and I will never say it is, but it's generally a good way to see how other people do it.

Have you considered going to a speed dating event?