neo651
Active member
I'm 26 years old and as far back as I can remember, about 5 years of age, until I was 15 I was bullied. This happened across 3 different school systems by dozens of different bullies, both physically and verbally. For reasons I've never come to understand I was a natural target. I tried avoiding them, but they would seek me out. I tried ignoring them and doing my best to not give them the satisfaction of a reaction, this just caused the bullying to turn physical. I tried making jokes alongside them to show them it didn't bother me, this only encouraged them more. I tried bullying back but this just created an arms race. Eventually I tried to get help and went to one of my teachers but their involvement was the worst of all my solutions. Several of the bullies got in trouble but they knew it was me that told on them, and then their friends, who I'd never had a problem with before, started joining in. Plus, they just found more creative ways of bullying me that couldn't be seen or proven.
It's been 11 years since anyone has really bullied me but I still have nights I stay up crying about it. I've got numerous issues, neuroses and phobias that inevitably I always trace back to this childhood bullying. It's the predominant issue in my past that I need to fix.
People always tell me I need to forgive them or put this behind me or both. I don't think I could forgive them. Not that I'd be unwilling, but I would need to confront them, explain to them how much what they did hurt me, and they would have to apologize. As I'd said, there were dozens of them and I'm now 3000 miles from where I went to school and many of them are likely scattered around the country, too. As far as being told to put it behind me....I don't know how to do that. All the issues that I have as a result of this just act as a constant reminder and I can't prevent myself from dwelling on it. I have techniques to distract myself to stop dwelling at any given time and those work a lot, but I could never figure out a way to stop dwelling altogether.
I really want to get better but I'm so overwhelmed by it, I don't know what to do anymore.
It's been 11 years since anyone has really bullied me but I still have nights I stay up crying about it. I've got numerous issues, neuroses and phobias that inevitably I always trace back to this childhood bullying. It's the predominant issue in my past that I need to fix.
People always tell me I need to forgive them or put this behind me or both. I don't think I could forgive them. Not that I'd be unwilling, but I would need to confront them, explain to them how much what they did hurt me, and they would have to apologize. As I'd said, there were dozens of them and I'm now 3000 miles from where I went to school and many of them are likely scattered around the country, too. As far as being told to put it behind me....I don't know how to do that. All the issues that I have as a result of this just act as a constant reminder and I can't prevent myself from dwelling on it. I have techniques to distract myself to stop dwelling at any given time and those work a lot, but I could never figure out a way to stop dwelling altogether.
I really want to get better but I'm so overwhelmed by it, I don't know what to do anymore.