Freakin_Amazin
Well-known member
I've been a bit down lately. Seems my mind has gotten twisted in every which way and I'm trying to untangle it while knowing alot of it is my fault. Let me explain...
I had a girl like me alot. She was pretty much... deluded. I mean, it was crazy... but I never used her. And I told her I wasn't up for a relationship at the moment, cause I'd just gotten out of a bad one (my first).
She kept chasing me, for a year and a half. And to be quite honest, I liked it. I had never been chased before, I was always doing the chasing. To be loved for reasons that escaped me was exhilarating, and I didn't completely cut her off because of that. But I was a teaser, and she was real sensitive. In hindsight I should've handled that better. But I was truly without feelings, and at the time, I was resentful of practically the entire female population (which isn't really smart).
She stopped. So, I assumed she'd finally gotten tired of it. And I tried to convince myself that I would find someone better. But a little voice in my head was already whispering, you know, you might have made a mistake there.
Life has a way of getting back at you. I had a similar situation with my most recent ex. But this time, she made me an offer I could not refuse (sex). And she got what she wanted, because I desperately wanted someone that would be sexually attracted to me; I did not want a repeat of my first relationship, where the girl was very, very cold. And my ex was fire.
Bad thing was, that while we were extremely compatible between the sheets we were not compatible at all anywhere or anytime else. I should've seen what she really wanted was just sex. In a way, I don't regret it - I'd had enough of being a virgin, I wanted to finally feel normal. So I gained that. I learned alot more about women this time around. So I don't hate her, or any other girl. But the cost of the whole thing was pretty steep.
I had a hell of a time last semester. My worst by far - I had to drop a class and got 2 B's and 2 C's. My GPA went down from the mid-3.60's to 3.48. It felt like everything I used to do well I couldn't do anymore. At one point I broke down in tears because I could not believe what the fresia was going on. It seemed as though the sky was falling, and I was doomed to watch it fall, piece by piece. Kinda like my life was falling apart. All this (not so good relationship, frustration, anger, depression) at the same time.
So when it ended, I waited for about a month. Then I reached out to the girl I never wanted to be with... because I realized one thing. She was the only one who truly wanted me. She made me feel special like no other girl has (and mind you, I never had sex with HER, I never used her like that. Even though I was almost totally insensitive at the time, even I thought that that would've been too much.)
Rejection. What else would anyone else have expected? Obviously that's what I got. And I deserved it. I had to pay my dues. I went to her house more than once, and told her I was sorry for being such an ass to her. We talked alone, but every time I went I could feel every eye on me. Her friends weren't all that forgiving. She actually treated me better than most would've.
...She's almost an angel, I swear.
But after like a month of doing that she still wouldn't budge so I separated a bit. Gave her space. Recently I told her I wanted to go see her, but she's like, I have too much work...etc. She still has time for her friends, I ain't blind. And that hurts. It's like being treated as a leper. And the worse part is I know I deserve it. So in a way, I can't complain, I got what I deserved.
BUT... that doesn't make going through all this any easier. Many times I look back and I think, my God, what could've been... It makes me sick to my stomach. I realized how much I have missed because I thought at the time it was better to be alone than even try. I had her wrapped around my fingers, and I let it all slip away.
Now, the frustration is directed mostly at life, as in just.... life. There is really nothing I can say that can adequately explain how my life turned from bearable into a day to day struggle with my mind and soul. I thought I had it bad in high school and my freshman year... oh how I yearn for those days now.
I even found a song that is almost like her talking to me... It's one of those things where all I could say was 'wow'.
It's called "To Die For", I think I posted it somewhere here but I couldn't find it (here at least):
Tighten your tie boy
You’re something to die for
But don’t hold your breath now
You’re just killing time
Tonight you can dream boy
Imagine a whisper
If you can keep secrets
Then I’ll tell you mine.
Remember a promise you couldn’t hold on to
Though it brings me to tears now i need you to know
Look in my eyes boy
Nothing like yours now
It seems that a lifetime
Is passing us by.
So open your eyes...
This is forever but it won’t last long
This is a memory that fades away in neverending
In the death of all that’s long been said and done before,
We’ll wish that we were something more.
Stop wasting time boy
You’re late all your life boy
They won’t have the patience
For someone like you
Your memory’s fading
I’ll love you forever
I’ll try to remember
I’ll try to hold on
You’re standing alone boy
Waiting for dreams boy
Waiting for something
To make them come true
Don’t ever leave boy
I’d miss you too much boy
I’ll never forget you
As long as I’m here
Everyday I kindof tell myself, no worries, I'll beat this, just like I beat everything else. But it's gotten to a point where I'm not sure if a part of me didn't die somewhere along the way. The sadness doesn't make me cry now, but sometimes I wish it did. Maybe then I could let it all out and move on.
I had a girl like me alot. She was pretty much... deluded. I mean, it was crazy... but I never used her. And I told her I wasn't up for a relationship at the moment, cause I'd just gotten out of a bad one (my first).
She kept chasing me, for a year and a half. And to be quite honest, I liked it. I had never been chased before, I was always doing the chasing. To be loved for reasons that escaped me was exhilarating, and I didn't completely cut her off because of that. But I was a teaser, and she was real sensitive. In hindsight I should've handled that better. But I was truly without feelings, and at the time, I was resentful of practically the entire female population (which isn't really smart).
She stopped. So, I assumed she'd finally gotten tired of it. And I tried to convince myself that I would find someone better. But a little voice in my head was already whispering, you know, you might have made a mistake there.
Life has a way of getting back at you. I had a similar situation with my most recent ex. But this time, she made me an offer I could not refuse (sex). And she got what she wanted, because I desperately wanted someone that would be sexually attracted to me; I did not want a repeat of my first relationship, where the girl was very, very cold. And my ex was fire.
Bad thing was, that while we were extremely compatible between the sheets we were not compatible at all anywhere or anytime else. I should've seen what she really wanted was just sex. In a way, I don't regret it - I'd had enough of being a virgin, I wanted to finally feel normal. So I gained that. I learned alot more about women this time around. So I don't hate her, or any other girl. But the cost of the whole thing was pretty steep.
I had a hell of a time last semester. My worst by far - I had to drop a class and got 2 B's and 2 C's. My GPA went down from the mid-3.60's to 3.48. It felt like everything I used to do well I couldn't do anymore. At one point I broke down in tears because I could not believe what the fresia was going on. It seemed as though the sky was falling, and I was doomed to watch it fall, piece by piece. Kinda like my life was falling apart. All this (not so good relationship, frustration, anger, depression) at the same time.
So when it ended, I waited for about a month. Then I reached out to the girl I never wanted to be with... because I realized one thing. She was the only one who truly wanted me. She made me feel special like no other girl has (and mind you, I never had sex with HER, I never used her like that. Even though I was almost totally insensitive at the time, even I thought that that would've been too much.)
Rejection. What else would anyone else have expected? Obviously that's what I got. And I deserved it. I had to pay my dues. I went to her house more than once, and told her I was sorry for being such an ass to her. We talked alone, but every time I went I could feel every eye on me. Her friends weren't all that forgiving. She actually treated me better than most would've.
...She's almost an angel, I swear.
But after like a month of doing that she still wouldn't budge so I separated a bit. Gave her space. Recently I told her I wanted to go see her, but she's like, I have too much work...etc. She still has time for her friends, I ain't blind. And that hurts. It's like being treated as a leper. And the worse part is I know I deserve it. So in a way, I can't complain, I got what I deserved.
BUT... that doesn't make going through all this any easier. Many times I look back and I think, my God, what could've been... It makes me sick to my stomach. I realized how much I have missed because I thought at the time it was better to be alone than even try. I had her wrapped around my fingers, and I let it all slip away.
Now, the frustration is directed mostly at life, as in just.... life. There is really nothing I can say that can adequately explain how my life turned from bearable into a day to day struggle with my mind and soul. I thought I had it bad in high school and my freshman year... oh how I yearn for those days now.
I even found a song that is almost like her talking to me... It's one of those things where all I could say was 'wow'.
It's called "To Die For", I think I posted it somewhere here but I couldn't find it (here at least):
Tighten your tie boy
You’re something to die for
But don’t hold your breath now
You’re just killing time
Tonight you can dream boy
Imagine a whisper
If you can keep secrets
Then I’ll tell you mine.
Remember a promise you couldn’t hold on to
Though it brings me to tears now i need you to know
Look in my eyes boy
Nothing like yours now
It seems that a lifetime
Is passing us by.
So open your eyes...
This is forever but it won’t last long
This is a memory that fades away in neverending
In the death of all that’s long been said and done before,
We’ll wish that we were something more.
Stop wasting time boy
You’re late all your life boy
They won’t have the patience
For someone like you
Your memory’s fading
I’ll love you forever
I’ll try to remember
I’ll try to hold on
You’re standing alone boy
Waiting for dreams boy
Waiting for something
To make them come true
Don’t ever leave boy
I’d miss you too much boy
I’ll never forget you
As long as I’m here
Everyday I kindof tell myself, no worries, I'll beat this, just like I beat everything else. But it's gotten to a point where I'm not sure if a part of me didn't die somewhere along the way. The sadness doesn't make me cry now, but sometimes I wish it did. Maybe then I could let it all out and move on.
