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I definitely don't remember things sucking this much growing up. Our standard of living, which was never great to begin with, has definitely gotten shittier. I was a fool for thinking it wasn't going to get any worse. I don't know why that never occurred to me.

I used to like summer, because of summer vacation and being outside, lightning bugs, car season, and things like that. And I didn't like winter because of the snow and cold. But now summer is worse because it's barely better inside than it is outside. At least cold doesn't ruin things like heat does (the kinds of things I'm thinking of, anyway). I just hope that when the time comes for me to move out, my things won't all have been destroyed by the awful environment in here, and I'll have to buy everything over again - at higher prices, of course. Ugh.

Sorry, I know I just talked about complaining but I HAD to. I'm really kicking myself for not taking my chance to get out of this when I had it, and now my stuff might all get ruined for it.
 
Feeling like i have wasted so much of my life, i have no more hope left for anything to get better and just go through each mind numbing day like a zombie barely feeling anything anymore.
 
Starting to realize what a creepy old dude I am turning into, looking at the vlogs of college girls in their early-mid 20s.  fresia... This is my life. Hoping it's over soon.
 
^ Well, we can start screaming about how unfairly the creepy people have been treated over the past hundreds of years. We can say how people look down on Creeps and are prejudice against Creeps. That's right, Creeps can become Victims just like all the other groups have done. Then the Creeps can demand equal justice. A few laws will get passed. Then everybody will be able to view creepy stuff openly in public without being looked at negatively. Ha! ha! CREEPS matter! Ha! ha!
 
Finished said:
^ Well, we can start screaming about how unfairly the creepy people have been treated over the past hundreds of years. We can say how people look down on Creeps and are prejudice against Creeps. That's right, Creeps can become Victims just like all the other groups have done. Then the Creeps can demand equal justice. A few laws will get passed. Then everybody will be able to view creepy stuff openly in public without being looked at negatively. Ha! ha! CREEPS matter! Ha! ha!

I'm in... well, maybe... is the anthem by Radiohead or TLC?
Also... the cougars freak me out too... 


*crosses fingers --- c'mon TLC*
 
I was out last weekend, climbing on the rocks with kid's group with my 'baby level'. And the coach was 70+ y.o.. And then we met there a couple 80+y.o, they were much better than me. I used to think that I don't have a future and I'm almost done and so old and so on and so on. But these people who are 2 times older, they don't care about their age they have a great time.
So why am I wasting my time regretting past and bewaring of future, I'm just loosing my now. I probably have to learn live now. One of that "clever" advises that are easy to say but not to do )))
 
4No1 said:
I was out  last weekend, climbing on the rocks with kid's group with my 'baby level'. And the coach was 70+ y.o.. And then we met there a couple 80+y.o, they were much better than me. I used to think that I don't have a future and I'm almost done and so old and so on and so on. But these people who are 2 times older, they don't care about their age they have a great time.
So why am I wasting my time regretting past and bewaring of future, I'm just loosing my now. I probably have to learn live now. One of that "clever" advises that are easy to say but not to do )))

I hike long distances several times a year. It amazes me when I come across people in their 80s and see them out hiking. They are much slower and can't go the distance. But, they are still out there seeing all the beautiful sites and exercising. The key is to never stop.
 
Asked my Dad when we were leaving today. Got a condescending answer.

I said, "just the time would do". In my head I thought, "just the goddamn ******* time would do fine." My patience for things like this is getting less, and less, and less. Maybe it's the added stress I'm under from various things, the negativity I feel that my life is hopeless, while at the same time realizing the value of assertiveness and feeling like being assertive is the right way to live, and it's essential to be able to be assertive. But I've always hated it and it's been getting me angrier and angrier.

Stuff like this really pisses me off, cause it doesn't matter at all - let alone enough to be insulted with a condescending answer like I'm a ******* idiot. The fate of the world doesn't rest on remembering exactly when we're leaving. It is not an appointment, or picking up anything, or anything time-sensitive or formal. It's not heart surgery, or landing a spaceship on the moon. It doesn't. *******. matter at all, in the grand scheme of the universe. It's a nothing detail, nothing even close to a big deal, a small deal, anything. To even say that it's a mistake to not remember it is, to me, a stretch because there are no consequences or costs and no benefits involved. It would not have taken any more effort/money/time/convenience/risk/anything, to simply say what time we're leaving.

He's said in the past something like, something relating it to how I'm going to function at a job. But the way I feel is, if a boss is going to condescend to me, they are an ******* and can go fresia themselves. I am willing to try to be a teammate, therefore I want to be treated like a teammate. Not this bullshit. Hopefully I'll find a non-toxic company culture, where people don't make big deals out of nonissues and create extra stress unnecessarily about things that don't matter, and that will be that.

This is why I want power so badly, and it's been immensely frustrating to me that I don't seem to be able to be good at anything and therefore can't get power. Cause I want to stand on even ground with people and demand that I am treated at least evenly. Not specially, but at least evenly, reasonably. At least "just OK", at least neutral where there is no positive or negative charge. And if that is too much for someone, I can walk. I can tell them that they can either treat me with common courtesy or go to hell, and be able to feel good about myself because I stood my ground and defended and preserved my dignity. Treat me at least OK and I stay, or don't and I will find someone who will. I've always, always, always wanted to be someone who is "not going to take this honeysuckle". I feel like it's essential to feeling good about yourself, confidence, all that to be able to draw lines in the sand, set boundaries. It's essential to NOT going through life as a broken person.

I guess you could say I have an attitude/authority problem. But you could also look at it another way, which is that assertiveness and dignity are extremely important to me. Cause when you don't have those things it feels like a violation. And when you look at the people who don't have those things, how forlorn, broken and beaten down they are, I know I don't want to live like that.

This is why I think being my own boss and being in control, or at least someone highly skilled and having at least enough control to demand nonspecial but decent treatment or else walk away, is where I want to be. It's absolutely essential to have some kind of bargaining chip. The problem is, as I said - I don't seem to be able to be good at anything. But I hate, hate, HATE the lifestyle that not being good at anything gets you.
 
^doesn't matter.

By itself, one comment like that is mildly annoying and unnecessary, but not that big of a deal. It's that I've been reading a lot of things lately that were getting me angry and making me feel despair, and it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I should probably stop reading depressing internet stories about people not making it, and focus on the examples of actual people I know, that are at least doing OK.
 
TheSkaFish said:
^doesn't matter.

By itself, one comment like that is mildly annoying and unnecessary, but not that big of a deal.  It's that I've been reading a lot of things lately that were getting me angry and making me feel despair, and it was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I should probably stop reading depressing internet stories about people not making it, and focus on the examples of actual people I know, that are at least doing OK.

"Doing OK" is actually a very good thing to strive for if you aren't.  You can always keep going up after that but why set yourself up from the start with a massive goal of exactly where you want to be?  Start small, make it more possible when you start accomplishing the smaller goals.
 
This is going to sound silly but..

When I was a kid, my stepdad used to buy loads of canned fruit, because of the cheap cost. We were pretty poor, so it always seemed like a great treat. When I hit around 10 years old, things were really tough. And he banned us kids from eating it. There was a lot of foods that he started to hoard for himself, but that always stood out to me as the oddest. I think now, that it was probably the high sugar content that helped him get by in between drinks.

Any way, all these years and I've still never had a can for myself. I've used them for the kids, but in the back of my mind, there's always been that voice telling me "no".

Today, I walked down that aisle in the grocery store, saw the **** canned peaches, and told myself, "You're allowed to have those now".
 

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