ladyforsaken said:
TheSkaFish... I haven't really followed much of your threads and posts but I kinda get the gist of it from reading some of them. I'm sorry things aren't working out for you. But if you say you're quitting it, does that mean you're gonna focus on yourself and be happy on your own first? Moving on from these girls? It doesn't sound like you've moved on from them yet... correct me if I'm wrong.. either way, I hope you'll figure things out and come to peace with what you wanna do for yourself now. I wish you all the best.
Yea, I mean, I guess I have to focus on myself and be happy on my own. There's not much else I CAN do. If I don't, I will have spent my entire youth, my entire prime of my life, feeling sad, angry, frustrated, and sorry for myself. I don't want to go through my whole life being miserable. When I feel down on myself like this, I neglect everything else - job searching, hobbies and interests, books I was going to read, and so on. Nothing gets accomplished.
It doesn't mean I'm moving on, it's more like giving up. And I hate that. But I can't just spend the rest of my life riding this hope rollercoaster. As far as relationships go, I feel like all I can do is just get a job, get into my hobbies, and forget about relationships. I had my chance, but I just couldn't compete. There's no one left that I want, so the game's over.
It just really sucks when you think you are getting somewhere when you are not. It sucks when you think you are finally meeting people you always hoped you'd meet, only for this to happen. When you think you are finally breaking through to a level that you thought was reserved for other people. These girls had it all - they were beautiful, smart, funny, conversational, exciting, fascinating, and sweet - and it felt so good that they were reaching out to me. ME! I thought I'd finally started to become someone I like, someone who'd be on their level. I thought it meant that I was finally changing, growing in the direction I wanted to and out of being a powerless victim. I could really see me having the kind of adventures, the kind of life I wanted with them. Getting the kind of stories and memories and conversations I dream of. They could all have pushed me to be more than I am. But they were all snapped up by someone else, not celebrities, no one particularly successful, probably not even clean cut guys with jobs. These are guys I should have been able to compete with and win against, but I could not. It's like, anyone else can win but me. You can have all kinds of bad habits, you can look as ugly as you want, but as long as you're not me, you win. It's so frustrating, but there's no one left who would give me that same magical feeling. There might be someone I could be comfortable with, but not truly excited to be with. And I'd just spend the whole time wishing I was with the ones I like instead. I don't want "just okay" but that's all there is now. So I'm done.
