What did I do wrong?
- Thread starter SimonT
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Overthinker
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The way you described the situation, there's NOTHING you did wrong. So why blame yourself? Like someone else here said, she was probably thinking about something else, and was not paying proper attention to her surroundings. that's HER fault. SHE wasn't being polite. Don't beat yourself up for other people's problems. And I have to agree with Ringwood. You're wallowing. Never wallow. A little wallowing leads to a lot of wallowing. A lot of wallowing leads to devastating depression.
Unfortunate things will ALWAYS happen in life. The only question you need to ask yourself is this: "What am I supposed to do?" Don't fill your mind with thoughts like...
"Why did he look at me funny?" "How come she never talks to me?"
These are examples of trying to fix other people. Don't try to fix other people. Let them worry about themselves. YOU worry about YOURSELF. And as far as I can see, you were perfectly smooth and polite in the situation you described.
Keep your head up, Simon.
Unfortunate things will ALWAYS happen in life. The only question you need to ask yourself is this: "What am I supposed to do?" Don't fill your mind with thoughts like...
"Why did he look at me funny?" "How come she never talks to me?"
These are examples of trying to fix other people. Don't try to fix other people. Let them worry about themselves. YOU worry about YOURSELF. And as far as I can see, you were perfectly smooth and polite in the situation you described.
Keep your head up, Simon.
aspalas
Well-known member
I haven't read every post here, but you should definitely change your mindset! What you told about the girl is very weird in my opinion. It's just very hard to "read" a woman sometimes, at least in my experience, so you could be wrong about her being interested. Anyway, I think there are only 2 possibilities on why she didn't say something; 1. she just didn't pay attention at all, or 2. she's arrogant and not worth your time.
It's hard to look at it this way, but it's very important to learn that this kind of things aren't your fault. A woman who does this is clearly not worth your time anyway; she's not what you might have thought. Coping with rejections of all sorts can be hard, but it's usually not about you but about the person that "rejects" you. I've worked as a fundraiser for charity organisations, I had to cope with rejections (people who didn't want to talk or were rude) 3/4 times I approached someone. I learned that these people aren't going to donate anything anyway, and would certainly not be fun to talk to. Nowadays I try to think like this in social situations too; it's obviously harder because I can't hide behind a profession, I can't think "I'm a salesman, obviously many people don't want to talk to me", but it's still never about you, because they don't know you.
People who already make assumptions based on literally nothing, and based on this ignore you (but keep in mind that it could be something else), are never worth your while.
It's hard to look at it this way, but it's very important to learn that this kind of things aren't your fault. A woman who does this is clearly not worth your time anyway; she's not what you might have thought. Coping with rejections of all sorts can be hard, but it's usually not about you but about the person that "rejects" you. I've worked as a fundraiser for charity organisations, I had to cope with rejections (people who didn't want to talk or were rude) 3/4 times I approached someone. I learned that these people aren't going to donate anything anyway, and would certainly not be fun to talk to. Nowadays I try to think like this in social situations too; it's obviously harder because I can't hide behind a profession, I can't think "I'm a salesman, obviously many people don't want to talk to me", but it's still never about you, because they don't know you.
People who already make assumptions based on literally nothing, and based on this ignore you (but keep in mind that it could be something else), are never worth your while.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
I'm not sure these so called signals are even there. A woman looks at you for a few seconds means she likes you ?
Sounds like desperation to me.
Sounds like desperation to me.
Yeah she definitely liked what she saw and as usual, I open my mourh and she's instantly turned off. The thing that got to me the most, was the way she looked at me. Scared almost. I don't think I'm that scary looking, I'm not reallt big or rough looking in any way, obviously my charmless approach or bad vibe I give off.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
SimonT said:
to be fair it is quite difficult to talk to anybody on a bus. Most people are preoccupied with their phones or whatever. Or people want to keep themselves to themselves.
SimonT said:
so she went from interested in you to frightened because you said a few words to her ?
I find that hard to believe.
Yes and me but it did happen. So you're saying she was never interested at all then lol! Must have
Imagined her gazing through the window straight at me for near on a minute. If she wasn't intersted, 1 - she woulda looked somewhere else, there was a whole gym she could have looked at, and 2 - she would have looked away as soon as I looked back. Certainly after the 2nd or 3rd time I looked at her. Ok, you could presume she was just watching me in general but nah doubt it. Like she's never seen a guy at the reception in a gym before. She was in mid to late 20's, not a teenager fascinated by things that. Also like a previous person commented, women, when ir comes to stuff like that, are very switched on. It was my demeanour or approach, body language or whatever when trying to break the ice that put her off.
Imagined her gazing through the window straight at me for near on a minute. If she wasn't intersted, 1 - she woulda looked somewhere else, there was a whole gym she could have looked at, and 2 - she would have looked away as soon as I looked back. Certainly after the 2nd or 3rd time I looked at her. Ok, you could presume she was just watching me in general but nah doubt it. Like she's never seen a guy at the reception in a gym before. She was in mid to late 20's, not a teenager fascinated by things that. Also like a previous person commented, women, when ir comes to stuff like that, are very switched on. It was my demeanour or approach, body language or whatever when trying to break the ice that put her off.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
SimonT said:
fair enough but I don't buy you totally messed it up when you spoke to her. You said 6 words to her and she went from interested to frightened ? Why ? Because of the way you said the words ? The expression on your face ? Maybe she was too shy to answer. You should have stuck around and asked her something else.
I did but she was getting her stuff from the locker as I was passing on the way to the toilet, as she was leaving then, so I went back into the gym. I could've waited for her after the toilet, after she had gotten changed, but then that would definitely have been creepy. In these situations you get one chance and one chance only. I always inevitably balls things up, it's my personality. Her reaction made me feel awful, like I must be a real weirdo for her to be so taken back or put off by me to have reacted like that. You should've seen the look on her face. Man, horrified/scared. I just think I'm doomed in love to be fair. Might sound negative or pessimistic, but in the past these sort of reactions have happened time after time after time. If I knew what I was doing that was so off putting to women, I'd obviously stop doing it, but sadly I don't. I wish someone who had the exact opposite reactions from women, and was successful with them, could've been a fly on the wall, so they could tell me what I did wrong. The only thing that I can think of, is to have a very small camera fitted to my top or maybe even my glasses, that's obviously unnoticable, and then such a guy could watch the footage back and tell me what I did wrong, cause I'm baffled.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
SimonT said:
I have no idea unless you look and talk like a lunatic (which I doubt). It's not like you said something that could offend her.
No apparently nobody does. Therapists have said they don't think I have any serious mental health petsonality disorders, just anxiety, depression & low self esteem. One girl just finding me desirable for the first time in god knows how long could make all this go away I think, but doubtful that'll happen any time soon.
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
SimonT said:
I still don't really buy that you blew a great opportunity to meet this woman. She didn't talk to you or approach you. All she did was look at you. You have no idea what was on her mind. Women looking at you doesn't necessary mean they find you attractive. You need to build your confidence up by talking to women first rather than looking to ask them out all the time.
Triple Bogey said:
That is not really what I meant. I meant based on Simon's original post, his description seemed like there was glancing going on for more than just a few seconds: it seemed like a kind of "flirtatious game" almost. Based on that it seems reasonable to conclude she found his looks appealing in some slight way, at least.
My impression is either he went wrong with his approach, or the girl was actually too shy.
SimonT said:
It's a great idea, IMO.
So.. why not try putting an iPhone or some kind of smartphone in your shirt pocket, for next time? You probably couldn't post the footage on this site, it may be against the rules, I dunno.. but there's a hundred other ways to have people see your recorded approaches, and I imagine some experienced "wingmen" might even identify your problem.
Yeah but a smartphone wouldn't be obvious would it lol! Doubt I'd post it online anywhere either.
Would have to be a small microcam with good quality video and sound. Something I can clip on me, something that looked like badge or if I wasn't in the gym, looked like a button or something on my coat. I wouldn't be surprised as well, if I could identify the problem if Iooked back. Then again I think I'd need the footage from a third party perspective be honest, so I could see my approach and body language. Maybe someone else would too?
Would have to be a small microcam with good quality video and sound. Something I can clip on me, something that looked like badge or if I wasn't in the gym, looked like a button or something on my coat. I wouldn't be surprised as well, if I could identify the problem if Iooked back. Then again I think I'd need the footage from a third party perspective be honest, so I could see my approach and body language. Maybe someone else would too?
Triple Bogey
Well-known member
SimonT said:
Why don't you do a 'talking heads' video of yourself and post it on here ?
I know it would take a lot of courage. We could say what we think. How you speak, body language etc.
jaguarundi
Well-known member
SimonT said:
I think you are obsessing about one - repeat one - failed attempt to talk to this woman. Microcams forsooth! I repeat - you don't know why she didn't speak to you, so stop running around in a little hamster wheel of 'what-did-I-do-wrong' and go and speak to another woman - better yet, fifty. THEN come back to us if none of them speak to you.
And just try and talk to any female out there, not just ones you might want to date, as someone else posted somewhere further up the thread before we entered frikkin James Bond land and lost all sense of reality ... sheesh
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