Become successful, like some others have said. Be successful at something and finally vanquish my circumstances once and for all. Change from being someone who doesn't get what they want in life, to someone who does. And attract someone that I actually want to be with.
What's stopping me? The fear that I lack natural talent. I realize that I've always felt like this, to the point that I'm tired of saying it but don't know how to get past it. I've never known what to do with myself because I've never felt like there is anything that I'm inclined towards, anything I have an instinct for, anything that just comes to me easily, where it "clicks" and I just see how to do it, more quickly than other skills and more quickly than other people. There isn't anything that's ever seemed to be my "thing" - sports, academia, business, computers, machines, art, etc. - I haven't tried every single thing in the world, but I feel like I've tried every category, and none of them really seem to be a fit.
When I looked at people that were considered "talented", I felt like we were almost a different species.
Ideas don't ever seem to just come to me, and when they do, they're usually nothing special. It's hard for me to get into anything because I don't see myself being good at it, so I don't see it changing my life for the better, and because of that, it's hard to care about it.
And it ties into the relationship thing too, because I feel like I'll never be good enough at anything to impress anyone or be interesting enough. I'm afraid I just won't get good enough ideas. It's hard to have confidence when you don't see yourself as being able to be good at anything. Even the attitudes of the people I don't like, you can't really act that way unless you have some kind of strength somewhere in life, that's what lets you get away with having an attitude of smug superiority. That's why I'm afraid my lack of success romantically is actually natural - it's evil to me because it's happening to me, but in an objective sense, maybe I'd be like an animal that doesn't have big enough or bright enough feathers to attract a mate.
So yeah. I've always wanted a lot from life, always had big dreams, but always had this feeling that I was literally not good enough for it, that I am literally incapable of creating enough value to get into a good life, because of a fundamental lack of aptitude, natural ability. It's not hard work I'm afraid of. What I'm afraid of is multiplying a lot of hard work times zero talent, and ending up with zero - that there's just no answer. The idea of accepting my circumstances, accepting that this is as good as it's going to get, makes me want to punch something. But at the same time, I have no idea what could be my way out of mediocrity and loserdom.
Then again maybe I'm just telling myself a story of why I can't have anything, and psyching myself out. I don't know.
I just wish I knew what I should be working at - some sign from life telling me "this is what you should do, keep doing this thing".