Tealeaf said:
Yeah, it was ultimately why we stopped talking. I just felt weird about it, even though I was told it wasn't because they didn't like being around me without it. You'd think we could have at least played video games sober.
There used to be a couple others who did, but they were more mature about it. Wasn't weird if they were smoking and you weren't. Everyone here started early and oftentimes fairly heavy with substances because we live in the middle of civilized nowhere, where the high school kids used to hang out at the grocery store. Some people still had a life, others didn't. Perhaps significantly, the ones who didn't have a life on pot didn't really have friends or any place outside of it and pretty much seemed to use it as an excuse to be with people for awhile.
The person in question had me, and the ones who sold the stuff.
A lot of people here started early, but I was the opposite. I started late. I was against it for the longest time, all throughout high school and only changed my mind when I was about 19 or 20. I started because I wanted to get inspired, I wanted to shake up my mind's rigidity and be more creative or philosophical. I was hoping it would let my mind be more free so I could come up with ideas for stories or songs or pictures. I wanted to have deep discussions and discoveries. I was searching for meaning. But all it really led to were a lot of stupid conversations about nothing, consumption of junk food and money wasted on it, watching and re-watching things over and over that I can't even remember, depression, paranoia, and laziness. Since I would usually smoke when I went out at night, I'd often go to bed high, and wake up with a sort of hangover the next day. It was a hangover of laziness where i didn't do much until it was time to go out and smoke and repeat the cycle all over again.
Oh, and I had dreadlocks for about 4 months. It was actually less of a rasta thing and more of an idea I got after seeing Eric Melvin from NOFX (I also don't listen to NOFX anymore, though for unrelated reasons - yet their sticker, along with another band that I also stopped listening to, is still on my guitar). They looked pretty nasty, got dirty quickly, and just overall made me look like an idiot. I really wish I could get back that time again, that whole stoner phase. It was just a big waste. Thankfully I didn't waste much money on it, as I always seemed to be around people who had it already. But it did cost me dearly in terms of time which could have been better spent developing into a person I'd be happier to be.
Incidentally, it was taking mushrooms for the first time that was the start of me feeling like I didn't want to smoke anymore. I still believe those can lead to the meaningful experiences and thoughts I sought, and don't cause any of the laziness or stupidity problems I had with pot, but they are very rare to come by. I have not had any in 2 years.
Anyway. Relating this back to the topic of being stupid around crushes, since I don't want to ruin another thread. I actually can relate it, because this lead to another problem. I used to try to call and talk to that same crush that I was describing earlier, the one who got lost in the woods with me - I used to try to call her up and talk while high, because I thought we could have a deep discussion, and undoubtedly because the substance gave me courage. It never turned out well. I must have come off as a huge imbecile. It didn't matter because I realized later I wasn't at all attracted to her anyway, but still, it was a pretty stupid idea.
