Why Me???

[onedepressedmom]

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Hello! I have had depression for 20 years off and on, but the last 3 years have been the worst of my life. I've been on many different meds that just did not work. I was at my wits end, and finally I decided that it was time to check myself into the hospital. It did no good whatsoever. I was still extremely depressed. I've had about 40 ECT treatment with no luck. I just don't understand "why me"!! I have tried to figure out what I'm doing wrong, but I just don't have the energy and motivation that I've had in the past. I have a husband who has tried to be supportive, but just doesn't "get it" and 3 beautiful children who I love more than life itself. I want to be the mother that they deserve! I feel so guilty for all the things that I've missed or did not do in the past. I cry every time I think about how much of their sweet little lives that I've missed; I'll never get that back. I have spent too much time dwelling on the negative and I need some advice for getting my life back. I need someone that I can talk to who understands what it's like to not be in control of your life and how awful it sucks. Thank You!

 

[ForGrantedWife]

Are you seeing a therapist on a regular basis to talk this out and figure out what might help? You need constant help, not just occasional. Have you figured out any of your stressors that trigger your depression? Some people can, some can't so I'm wondering if you have any of that figured out yet. And possibly there could be a childhood reason that contributes to this problem? Or something genetic that has been passed down to you from a parent? More information would be helpful if you're up to sharing. The beauty of the internet is that here we have no idea who you are in real life. I'm able to share things I can't in real life since it's anonymous. But this is up to you. I'm so sorry to hear you feel so bad and what it's caused.

 

[MTrip]

onedepressedmom - The genetic angle is definitely worth checking into. I can't say for certain in your case, of course, but depression that is that serious often has a hereditary component. I speak from experience here: My father suffered from it all his life, as did one of his brothers & at least one of that brother's boys (maybe even both--he sired two children). So I know for a fact that the black fog that rolls in my head is partly due to having crappy DNA.

And since I shared that on here, you can too. Feel free...you will find sympathetic voices here.

 

[onedepressedmom]

onedepressedmom - The genetic angle is definitely worth checking into. I can't say for certain in your case, of course, but depression that is that serious often has a hereditary component. I speak from experience here: My father suffered from it all his life, as did one of his brothers & at least one of that brother's boys (maybe even both--he sired two children). So I know for a fact that the black fog that rolls in my head is partly due to having crappy DNA.

And since I shared that on here, you can too. Feel free...you will find sympathetic voices here.

Wow, that's a good idea! My father passed 4 years ago and none of his family is still alive, but my mother is still living. Don't know if she's willing to be tested, but I surely am. Wonder why no one has ever offered to do this. Thanks for sharing!

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Are you seeing a therapist on a regular basis to talk this out and figure out what might help? You need constant help, not just occasional. Have you figured out any of your stressors that trigger your depression? Some people can, some can't so I'm wondering if you have any of that figured out yet. And possibly there could be a childhood reason that contributes to this problem? Or something genetic that has been passed down to you from a parent? More information would be helpful if you're up to sharing. The beauty of the internet is that here we have no idea who you are in real life. I'm able to share things I can't in real life since it's anonymous. But this is up to you. I'm so sorry to hear you feel so bad and what it's caused.

I have never been this depressed so that's why I am so discouraged. I have seen a therapist as well and it has helped in the past, but not very much now. I have been on medication that worked for awhile, but even at the maximum dose just stopped working. Even under the worst stress of my life, I have never been this bad. I did go into complete and total remission of my depression for 3 years after the birth of my daughter. I was the happiest that I've ever been with no meds at all. Then I got pregnant again and became slightly depressed again so I went back on meds. I wondered if it was a hormonal thing because after the birth of my daughter, I felt wonderful. After the birth of my 2 sons, I had postpartum depression but nothing like this. As for my childhood, I can't recall any stressors that I have issues about. The few things that I did think bothered me I was able to work out in therapy years ago. I have been battling depression, minimal and maximum, for the last 30 years with the last 3 years my worst of all. Hope that helps.

 

[mintymint]

Welcome to the site. Come drop by the chat room sometime

 

[jzinsky]

Just as a thought are you still taking the medication? If so might be worth asking for a different kind if possible, maybe you've got a resistance to the one you're on.

 

[Edward W]

Hi, welcome to the site, I'm sure you'll find it helps.

 

[ForGrantedWife]

Oh my gosh I totally forgot about hormones! Uh yeah, I've been through that myself how could I have forgotten? I was whacked out for awhile over my hormones until I saw my doctor and they put me on a birth control pill for awhile to even the hormones out. I was really depressed for no reason, crying, etc. And they did help me. There are a ton of books about this subject, you might want to pick one up and see if it helps. It really did help me, I felt like my old self again. There are foods that can even help your body fight the problem as well. Yes please check into that for yourself because you're probably right about it being hormonal. My Mom had a hysterectomy and when she'd stop taking her hormone pills she'd go bat sh*t crazy and take us all with her lol. I always knew what her problem was and I'd say "Um mom, have you taken your pills today? Because you're acting nuts!" And every single time it happened the answer was no so I was right.

 

[onedepressedmom]

Just as a thought are you still taking the medication? If so might be worth asking for a different kind if possible, maybe you've got a resistance to the one you're on.

Yes, I've always taken my medication, at least until a new one was prescribed. I've been on SOOOOOO many different antidepressants that it's not even funny! Right now, I'm on Lamictal which is one I've never tried before. So far it's not too bad, but it's still just not enough. I've also had many side effects with others so if they did not work, then I couldn't take them because of that. I've been on meds now pretty consistently for 13 years. That's why the doctor suggested ECT. I had two bouts of it, unilateral and dual, and nether of them worked. I guess there's not much left.

---

Oh my gosh I totally forgot about hormones! Uh yeah, I've been through that myself how could I have forgotten? I was whacked out for awhile over my hormones until I saw my doctor and they put me on a birth control pill for awhile to even the hormones out. I was really depressed for no reason, crying, etc. And they did help me. There are a ton of books about this subject, you might want to pick one up and see if it helps. It really did help me, I felt like my old self again. There are foods that can even help your body fight the problem as well. Yes please check into that for yourself because you're probably right about it being hormonal. My Mom had a hysterectomy and when she'd stop taking her hormone pills she'd go bat sh*t crazy and take us all with her lol. I always knew what her problem was and I'd say "Um mom, have you taken your pills today? Because you're acting nuts!" And every single time it happened the answer was no so I was right.

The worst part about that is that I've had hormonal testing and they say that my levels are normal so they won't treat me. I'm definitely going to try again though very soon to see if something has changed. It would be such an easy fix, but not usually for me.

 

[swirlturtle]

There are things we cant answer no matter how we try to dig. Maybe you just also need to constantly remind yourself that you are not only just depression. And you have other aspects in you that need taking care of, that need developing, like personal strength. Have you tried to direct your depression unto other things like painting or writing or even meditation? Maybe not a complete cure but a means to cope and at your good days, you could enjoy the company of the people you love like your children.

 

[onedepressedmom]

There are things we cant answer no matter how we try to dig. Maybe you just also need to constantly remind yourself that you are not only just depression. And you have other aspects in you that need taking care of, that need developing, like personal strength. Have you tried to direct your depression unto other things like painting or writing or even meditation? Maybe not a complete cure but a means to cope and at your good days, you could enjoy the company of the people you love like your children.

I love your response! Thank you so much! I have some good days and those are far and few between, but I tend to isolate myself so that I don't "infect" others with my mood. I think that you are soooo right about trying other things to cope and I may just try that! Thanks again!

 

[swirlturtle]

Im glad you find it helpful. I hope it hepls. Best of lucm and let us now how it goes. Tc

 

[GraceBlossom]

Hi and welcome