Will it all be ok...?

[sa222]

Hi,

This is my first post, so apologies in advance if it comes accross as long/neurotic/ridiculous or any other embarasing adjective!

I'm sure that to a lot of people what I am about to say will seem like the ranting of an ungrateful brat; seems that way to myself sometimes. But these days, it's starting to really get to me, and I suppose i'm just looking for the support of people who won't judge...or at least, even if you do, i wont have to see you after it! This is kind of a loneliness-related topic because there is nobody i can really share this with...

So, basically, i'm 25, have got a good degree from a top 15 uni in the country i live in, a masters from another top uni. The problem is, that with the way the economy is right now, fiding a job is tough. I have been looking for a while, and what is really starting to get to me, is that when i was studying at school, i didnt do nearly as well as i should have, or could have. as a result, i ended up at a university that i am now beginning to hate myself for. my parents have paid a fortune to put me through private education all my life, and i paid as an intl student at uni too. I never had any restrictions on where i could go for my uni, or what i could study, and basically, there was nothing stopping me from going to a top 5 uni. a couple of my classmates did, and now they are working in great places and getting on with their lives. In the meantime, i feel like avoiding all contact with people because i dont want to be asked if ive had any luck with work yet.

I am doing something productive in the meantime, and i do have contacts. most days, i tell myself that it is going to be ok, i will make it, and be successful- that in a way, i sort of have to pay my dues before i get there, and that ill "catch up" with those of my contemporaries who started their careers a year or two ahead of me. I am thinking of moving to another country to start working there instead, and hopefully it will be easier to move aorund after that.

But other days, and thats quite often nowadays, I just can't help but feel depressed and hate myself for the way life has so far turned out. There was nothing i didnt have, my parents support, the financial support, I could have done great. for that matter, so could have my brothers and sister, but they also screwed up. My parents have struggled a lot to give us a great life, and I can't even begin to describe how i feel for letting them down like this. They are proud of me and my achievements, and tell me that when the time is right, things will work out. BUt all i do is think about how IF i had worked hard during my school years, IF i had gotten into a better uni, then I would have been able to beat the competition and do well too.....I have the ability, the potential, but who wants to give you a chance after you have acquired the label of "....university?"

This is a pointless rant, like i said. I just wish, somedays so hard that it hurts, that I could go back in time and fix it. Be fair to myself and those who were there for me. But I can't. I tell myself whats most important now is to move on and not waste anymore time...but the hopelessness just wont go. Somdays i feel like giving up and not getting out of bed. But how can i carry on letting my parents down.....

Hating myself right now. I hope nobody has to go through life with the regrets I have. I want to cry and scream and then just go somewhere where I can stop thinking all the time. I think about it from morning till night.

I know my problem is trivial in comparison to some people's. I know that when God willing everything works out, Ill look back at this time and think how silly i was being. But what if it doesnt work out? That small nagging thought in my head really scares me sometimes...what if i have limited my own career potential because i didnt do well at school/uni and now employers wont look on me as favourably....

I guess im just looking for superficial reassurance. I'm sorry for unloading on you guys. If you believe in God, please pray for me.

 

[whocares]

Sa222,

sup. I'll give u my two cents which, keep in mind, is worth what you paid to read it

You need to chill the fvck out, seriously. The economy is rough for EVERYONE. Also, you need to truly appreciate how lucky you are to have not one but TWO degrees from top 20 universities. That's very impressive and I'm not sure why you are so down on yourself. Was your GPA that shi tty in college that you can't ever forgive yourself? Give me a break. You have the degrees! it's not like you flunked out or something. I have a friend who goes to the University of Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana. He's on the drumline and knew a kid who not only got kicked off drumline, for poor grade, but ALSO got kicked out of the school. Now that's something to REALLY be depressed about.

Also, some of the greatest successes this planet has ever known were HUGE failures before they succeeded. What makes you think you are any different? if Michael Jordan got cut from his high school basketball team his junior year and Abe Lincoln had a several failings in business, as well as nervous breakdown, what makes YOU think that YOU'LL be able to float through life w/o any problems? Quite frankly I think your problems are all in your head. It sounds like your parents are supportive of you, yea? You may need to seek some counsiling. Seriously. What’d u major in? What was ur GPA if you don’t mind me asking?

 

[DesertWolf]

It sounds like you're suffering from depression. When you're depressed your perception of yourself and the world tends to be negatively biased, causing you to feel excessively guilty, worthless and hopeless. You don't need a "good reason" to get depressed. For some people depression occurs as a result of stress and trauma (eg. bullying, traumatic accident, stress, etc), for others it happens for physiological reasons (poor diet, lack of exercise, genetic predisposition, etc), and often both. I recommend having a chat with a psychologist about this. If you are diagnosed with depression, as a result of my own positive experience with it I highly recommend CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

The important thing is for you to not feel guilty for feeling depressed. Yes, there always are people who have it worse, but there's really no point in comparing. You wouldn't tell a person who lost both his legs that he shouldn't be feeling bad just because there's another kid somewhere who lost ALL of his limbs, right?

 

[Foxo]

Based on some of the things you've mentioned, I sort of get the feeling that you're living your life based on the expectations of those around you. A buddy of mine is in the same boat; he went to a private school, and has a great degree at a top university. Yet he lags behind those he went to the private schools with. He can get pretty depressed when it comes up, and tends to obsess over it fairly often. There is a desire to try moving to and working in another country as well, which is really just running away from the expectations people place on you.

Honestly, you're in for a tough life if you think this way. Even if you move to another country, you'll start meeting new people and living your life based on their expectations. People will constantly try and shape you to fit their own worldview, it's human nature. If you let them, then you're bound to encounter more than few identity issues throughout your life.

It can be a daunting task, but sit down and actually think about what you want to be without thinking about how others will view you. Stop thinking about matching your peers.