Wondering whether my loneliness has driven me crazy.

[Lukon]

I've been INCEL lonely 99% of my life. I mean INCEL in the old-school meaning of the word, before that word got redefined to include the belief that one has a right to sex. (I keep having to capitalize the whole word INCEL to prevent the auto spell check from changing it to intel.) And I often wonder whether my loneliness has made me insane to some degree - insane as in "unable to see reality". Has my misery bent my mind? I don't know. it has certainly shaped my perspective on social reality.

I live in welfare poverty so I can't afford psychotherapy. I can't hire someone to tell me whether I've lost much contact with reality.

I write a blog that nobody reads and it has me worried that my writings scare people away, like, it may make the reader worry that I'm a psycho who might hurt them if they make a comment I disagree with or something. I feel like I'm scary or stupid or boring.

I view myself as doomed to live the rest of my life suffering with INCEL loneliness. And the best I can do is write about it on my way to death, in my blog and in my private journal.

 

[okidoke]

Your situation is common and sad. I'm more than aware of loneliness and the lack of intimacy, but I have stopped (for the most part) dwelling on garbage that just isn't helpful for your well-being. Reminiscing on old times, morbid poems and books and songs, writing in a dismal fashion; none of this helps to get you out of the mire. You have to DO stuff. Get out, out of your house, and into nature, amongst people, be active, almost like you're a survivalist fending your way thru life. People are mostly attracted to other people who have got their shite together, probably because it makes them also feel a bit more secure. People shy away from people who are negative, creepy, moody, down, insipid, useless, weak, miserable, crazy, etc etc. Just the process of getting yourself together, being more independent and valuable and worthy and achieving self-reliant accomplishments makes you feel better and you never know who you will encounter along the way. Most of what I said here I'm also preaching to myself. It's not easy, but it's a fight worth having or you do go insane I reckon. And nobody wants that.