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My Shyness is slowly killing me.
#1
Sad 
This might end being very long, but I truly hope that you read it. I don't open up to anyone and I figured it's finally time for me to open up on a forum or something. My life is falling apart, I'm a male sophomore in college and my life is starting to depress me beyond belief. Sometimes I just feel like I should leave my family and the little friends that I have and go as far as I can. I feel lost and helpless. I cannot deal with this terrible feeling anymore. And it's all due to my social anxiety that has led me to live the way I live. I have very low self esteem, and minimal confidence. I have very few friends, but the friends that I do have, are away for school so I have nobody to hang out with, do the things guys my age do. People say I should join this and that, get involved, but i can't find myself being able to do so. I don't know...I have never had a girlfriend, I barely even talk to girls because of my shyness. I wouldn't be surprised if people in high school thought I was gay because they never saw me talking, approaching or even being with a girl ever. I had a lot of friends in high school, but they all seem to be living their lives perfectly fine, and I haven't talked to them since the high school days. I used to be very ambitious but now I just don't care anymore, I have no motivation what so ever to study, get good grades. I only have class twice a week, the rest of it I spend locked in my room wasting countless hours on pointless websites, or watching youtube videos. That's how pointless my life has become.

My self esteem is complete garbage, I mean there are times where I think I'm pretty cool, but most of the time I just feel like an ugly, worthless guy. I wouldn't say I'm very ugly, but I don't have the hottest of looks either. I'm self conscious about my nose and height (5'7''), but my nose drives me nuts. My entire life I haven't been able to tell if a girl is interested in me because of my looks. I have never been approached or been told that I'm good looking by sober women. I get the "you're cute" a lot, but only while walking down the street during the drunken hours... Who knows, maybe girls are interested in me, I just don't seem to ever realize it.

I go out occasionally, to some parties but they're just not fun if I don't get drunk. If I am sober I just sit in the corner and not talk to anyone, I feel like such a loser even when I do go out. The only times I've hooked up with girls was when I was drunk. When I'm sober I have absolutely no balls to approach them and talk to them. Heck I don't even have the ability to talk to them even if I wanted to, my communication skills are terrible. It's very hard for me to make friends, when I'm in class I don't talk to anyone, I never participate, I'm just always scared of people.


There's just a whole ton of issues with me and I don't know how to deal with them. I am fortunate to have the things I have, but what's the point when I am not able to take advantage of the life I have. Why should I be alive and wasting this comfortable life when other people in the world are desperate and fight day and night to survive.

I don't know how to deal with this, I've read books, but they haven't helped. Day by day I feel like I'm getting into a deeper depression. What should I do? I don't know...maybe I should just fall in a ditch and see what happens.
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#2
First off, I want to say that I'm really proud of you for doing what you just did.

I understand how you feel completely, and I'm rooting for you!

I'm afraid of people, especially girls! I have never had a girlfriend.
Until I made a wonderful female friend on this website, I had only been told I'm attractive 3 times in my entire life.

The important thing to try and remember to tell yourself is, your deserving of love and happiness just like everyone else. The world may point its head downward towards you, but at the same time, have you looked at allot of people?

Let me preface this before I go any further. Not all people are bad.
This website is a wonderful place full of wonderful people deserving of so much kindness that unfortunately some don't get.
But the truth is, the world is full of jerks.

The important thing is to try and remember that.
I really feel like a hypocrite for telling you this, but I think its also valid at the same time.
The positive thing about this is, once you find one of the nice people, it makes you that much more appreciative of things.

Baby steps is your best course of action.

Try making a list of all your fears and goals and break them down.
If your afraid of people, try walking by one. Then try sitting or saying hi!
kinda build yourself up in other words.

That was just an example by the way.
It won't be that simple, nor will it be conquered overnight.

Give yourself time to breathe, work really hard, and hopefully you'll achieve all your dreams!
I don't mean this as a derogatory statement, but therapy has really helped me.
Maybe it's something to consider! Smile

I'm sorry I went on for so long, but I hope I said something helpful.
I really hope things turn around for you.

You just took a really good step in that direction!

[Image: poet1.gif]
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#3
Thanks man, I truly appreciate the response.
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#4
No problem.

I just hope that it helped in some way!
[Image: poet1.gif]
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#5
I know how you feel man. I am in a very similar situation in my life.
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#6
The only way to get rid of shyness is to get out there and involve yourself, lose yourself, in something. A hobby. Volunteering. Find a cause, create a cause, research potential goals for yourself.

Lose yourself in life.

And know that you're not that different from those around you. It's easier to connect when you realize that in life we all ultimately face the same struggles.

We just choose different methods to deal with those struggles.
"Before you judge someone, try walking in their shoes for a mile. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."

My porn name: Toothpaste Jackhammer.

A bad Jedi dude
Combs the forums endlessly
Master spam spotter

---minty


There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Founding member of DO-IT (Department of Orgasmic Intervention Tactics)

"Man's Inhumanity To Man
Makes Countless Thousands Mourn."


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#7
I know how you feel. I'm very shy too, but you can overcome your shyness only by doing something, talk to new people etc. It's easier said than done, but it's the only way.

Shyness is like ''fears'' to talk to anyone, at least for me, and I know, it's very awful, but you can do it!

I have never kissed or never had a boyfriend, but that time will come to everyone, just need some patience. :>
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#8
(10-01-2011, 11:52 AM)Ap_mayne Wrote: This might end being very long, but I truly hope that you read it. I don't open up to anyone and I figured it's finally time for me to open up on a forum or something. My life is falling apart, I'm a male sophomore in college and my life is starting to depress me beyond belief. Sometimes I just feel like I should leave my family and the little friends that I have and go as far as I can. I feel lost and helpless. I cannot deal with this terrible feeling anymore. And it's all due to my social anxiety that has led me to live the way I live. I have very low self esteem, and minimal confidence. I have very few friends, but the friends that I do have, are away for school so I have nobody to hang out with, do the things guys my age do. People say I should join this and that, get involved, but i can't find myself being able to do so. I don't know...I have never had a girlfriend, I barely even talk to girls because of my shyness. I wouldn't be surprised if people in high school thought I was gay because they never saw me talking, approaching or even being with a girl ever. I had a lot of friends in high school, but they all seem to be living their lives perfectly fine, and I haven't talked to them since the high school days. I used to be very ambitious but now I just don't care anymore, I have no motivation what so ever to study, get good grades. I only have class twice a week, the rest of it I spend locked in my room wasting countless hours on pointless websites, or watching youtube videos. That's how pointless my life has become.

My self esteem is complete garbage, I mean there are times where I think I'm pretty cool, but most of the time I just feel like an ugly, worthless guy. I wouldn't say I'm very ugly, but I don't have the hottest of looks either. I'm self conscious about my nose and height (5'7''), but my nose drives me nuts. My entire life I haven't been able to tell if a girl is interested in me because of my looks. I have never been approached or been told that I'm good looking by sober women. I get the "you're cute" a lot, but only while walking down the street during the drunken hours... Who knows, maybe girls are interested in me, I just don't seem to ever realize it.

I go out occasionally, to some parties but they're just not fun if I don't get drunk. If I am sober I just sit in the corner and not talk to anyone, I feel like such a loser even when I do go out. The only times I've hooked up with girls was when I was drunk. When I'm sober I have absolutely no balls to approach them and talk to them. Heck I don't even have the ability to talk to them even if I wanted to, my communication skills are terrible. It's very hard for me to make friends, when I'm in class I don't talk to anyone, I never participate, I'm just always scared of people.


There's just a whole ton of issues with me and I don't know how to deal with them. I am fortunate to have the things I have, but what's the point when I am not able to take advantage of the life I have. Why should I be alive and wasting this comfortable life when other people in the world are desperate and fight day and night to survive.

I don't know how to deal with this, I've read books, but they haven't helped. Day by day I feel like I'm getting into a deeper depression. What should I do? I don't know...maybe I should just fall in a ditch and see what happens.

Okay, firstly I'm able to sympathise with almost all the issues you raised. I'll do a quick fly-through in case you've never seen my other posts:

- I've never had a GF
- My friends have all moved off to far away places, so I effectively have none most of the time
- My self-esteem and confidence also suck right now
- I've also felt pretty crap in the past due to these issues and still get the occasional powerful surge of loneliness and frustration

Now, onto the meat of my post. I would not advise "deserting" your family and any acquaintances you already have. If you feel lonely now, isolating yourself from the people that you have close at the moment is not going to help at all - your situation will more than likely feel worse instead.

You said you had friends in high school - this is good. My high school years were mostly spent feeling like the only kid everyone hated and the moments I was happy were usually because I'd just smacked a bully! Realise that if people liked you back then (when people tend to be at their most immature and nasty), you've obviously got good qualities that made you popular.

As for your point on compliments...women don't tend to approach men they fancy to tell them they're good looking. Kind of how you've probably never walked up to a girl you like and shouted "Holy-shit-you're-the-hotness OMG!"

Right now I have a girl I really like that seems to like me too. Aside from her body language every now and then, she's never given me any compliments or other signs directly. I overheard her (possibly) complimenting me to her friends, but really a girl will never usually let on she likes you obviously.

I expect girls probably have liked you in the past, but they've not shown it due to your shyness. That's what happens to me anyway - I've never had a GF despite some interest because I simply cannot yet get the confidence to take it to a GF level.

If you want a girlfriend, first learn to get friendly with girls.

Lately I've been thinking of it like this to myself: If I cannot imagine talking at length with a girl, how am I ever going to kiss her or make love? When you think of it like that, the concept is ludicrous. That stuff is far more complicated - to even comprehend doing it, you need to first know how to engage with girls.

I usually befriend girls quite easily, because when I talk to them I treat them like I treat my guy friends. I chat to them about whatever comes to mind, and it's as simple as that.

When I say that, don't mistake me for a confident guy. I'm convinced I've offended people when I haven't and generally worry every second about everything I say to people. I used to really struggle to even say hi, and the way I dealt with it was to build "instant confidence."

Stand up straight, forget you're scared, put on a casual non-creepy smile (very important) and just say hello. That's all you have to do. If they want to talk, just mention the weather, work, life, the recent news, some quote that made you laugh. It's not hard to talk to ladies, it's just hard to get the initial drive to do it. Most will be pleased that you're making the effort and treating them nicely.

When you say "hooked up" with women, do you mean sex? Kissing? If you can do that, you're pretty much sorted, drunk or not - I've certainly never got that far, so you can be proud if you have. You just need to work on being less tipsy when that happens, which is a very achievable goal.

Finally, the ambition. Your life is what you make it. It is not "pointless" unless you're choosing to act like it is.

Every day we make conscious decisions that influence events around us. I've started to lose my drive as of late due to this whole need for a girl, but I'm starting to realise that what truly matters for my future is that I work as hard as I can now.

Ultimately, a girlfriend is an extension of the happiness you should get out of your life when single. I haven't found that wholesomeness yet, and it doesn't sound like you have either.

Work on yourself, your "faux confidence" and just saying hi to people, make sure you're happy with your work or studies and try to give yourself a sense of purpose beyond solving your loneliness. This will make you happy, and happiness is one of the most attractive qualities someone can have.

Best of luck! Smile
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things...and no good thing ever dies."
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#9
Thats funny we live the exact same life. It's kinda obvious what you gotta do go get out there apply your self shine threw. What I do is if im feeling a little nervous ill meditate. Your shyness is just a habit that you keep on playing on if you meditate it'll break ur habits and let u shine threw. Put your self out there kick your on ass get rid of crap you dont need in your life!!!

Word for word your life relates with mine what do you think im doing now watching you tube and being on this site XD
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#10
Hi,
Like you I feel like my shyness (witch in my case leads to nervousness and too much adrenalin in my body) is killing me. The only thing that is helping me is because I began to joke around about myself.

I think that if you stop taking things too seriously and even make fun of yourself sometimes, you'll feel like you don't have to worry that much about what other people may think of you. Like in my case I began to joke around about my blushing, my lisp and my "strange" name. It's strange but if you don't have anything to hide from others, you'll feel like there isn't anything they can say to hurt you. IDK if you saw the film "8 mile" (the story of Eminem), but he did the same thing in a "rap battle": Eminem said everything about himself that the other rapper could have used to make fun of him and so when it was his turn he didn't know what to say about Eminem.

I know that my depression is caused by my loneliness which is caused by my shyness which is caused by my low self esteem. That's why I think that even if you're ACTING like you have accepted yourself and your problems (like I said by making jokes) this will make you look more extroverted and self confident and it will HELP you to ACTUALLY FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. So when you stop being lonely, you will probably feel better.

The same goes for woman: even if you get rejected, you can joke about that too. Everybody gets rejected sometimes. Just think "what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger".

Hope this helped. Smile

Anyway you can PM me if you want and we can talk about...everything.
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