People think i'm rude/weird.

I've noticed that whenever i'm in a group (even with people I know well), no one tends to talk to me, or acknowledge me because of how quiet I am. In a group environment, everyone else is always so loud and hyper and i'm so quiet I think some people wonder if I even have a voice. I sink into the background while everyone else laughs and talks over eachother.

I try so hard to get involved, i really do, but my intense shyness prevents me from doing anything and people start asking me things like "why are you so quiet?" and all those other questions, while the entire group stares at me and all I can do is shrug awkwardly. It's embarrassing and makes me feel so dumb and worthless. They give eachother these wide-eyed looks and I know straight away what they're thinking.

This is a problem. One person even stopped talking to me completely because they thought I was ignoring them and didn't like them. In actual fact, it was the exact opposite. And I have to work with this person every day which is causing my anxiety to sky rocket because of how much they dislike me.

I feel really down about all of this and i've been hating myself lately for how shy I am. It's driving me crazy.

I have so often had the same problem, so can sympathise. It really is not fair to draw attention to your quietness by asking you why you are so quiet in front of everyone as this only makes you feel even more self conscious. More outgoing people often simply do not 'get' us.
Maybe you should find some other groups where you might hopefully meet some quieter people, such as reading groups? Even if you didn't join in the conversation much there, your quietness would be accepted far more easily and you might find it easier to begin taking part eventually, knowing that there is no pressure to do so.
I have often hated myself, too, for being an introvert, but we are what we are, and we have our own good qualities. There is a lot of value in being quiet and reflective-I prefer people who think more and talk less. The world is full of idle gossip-why add to it?

I experienced a thing like this some times before.. always, people would go back and forth talking so much and loud and over each other, and I am crawling in an imaginary hole in the ground.. if finally I did bring up enough courage to say something, they look at like I am stupid(well.. i am, but that is not the point) or like i am a green alien and ignore the thing I say and continue their way of conversation before it.

These days I think.. for people who have this sort of experience, to be around groups like that is no good. I do not mean shy people this way should be alone.. but, I beleive there is a certain sort of person who is a good friend for shy people. This is the person who is not also very shy, but a person who is.. confident, and considerate. The sort of person, if they are in a group and they notice some terribly quiet person, they do not say "why you are so quiet?" and then continue to ignore them.. rather, this sort will say "well, what do you think?(about the subject they all talking about)" and actually listen with attention or even notice and take quiet person aside and talk with them.

Such people exist.. I encountered a few in my life. I know my post is not much a help, but I think it would be good to find such people to spend your time with, instead of the loud and rambunctious groups who ignore. And, the suggestion of Tiina63 is very good, the reading groups for example, I think the sort of people I describe could very well be found there.

I think if people understood what it was like for you and knew the truth, they'd have nothing to assume, and they'd probably be nicer and not give you such treatment. That doesnt mean you have to tell them, but just know it's not your fault, and they are basically making assumptions to try to fill in why you are quiet.

I am currently having this problem.
There is a person that I am having the same problem with and he doesn't uinderstand why I am the way I am.
Good Luck with it, Jack_!

people are social creatures.

when they get together in groups, everybody must be "defined" to appease the mob.

in large groups, i usually get a predictable response.

most people will not like me, but a few will.

confident people tend to like me.

unconfident people tend to be extremely threatened by me.

my issue is that i don't play into societal norms.

for instance, if invited to a "dinner party" with a couple where the man makes a higher salary than i do, i won't play the game of him trying to "get big" on me.

that honeysuckle only floats past me for about 15 seconds before i say something like "who in the fresia do you think you are?"

also, i won't TRY to BE included in conversations.

when people gather together in their little cliques and start to gab away, i will just go elsewhere.

no time for it, it interferes with my plan for world domination.

Jack _ said:

I've noticed that whenever i'm in a group (even with people I know well), no one tends to talk to me, or acknowledge me because of how quiet I am. In a group environment, everyone else is always so loud and hyper and i'm so quiet I think some people wonder if I even have a voice. I sink into the background while everyone else laughs and talks over eachother.

I try so hard to get involved, i really do, but my intense shyness prevents me from doing anything and people start asking me things like "why are you so quiet?" and all those other questions, while the entire group stares at me and all I can do is shrug awkwardly. It's embarrassing and makes me feel so dumb and worthless. They give eachother these wide-eyed looks and I know straight away what they're thinking.

This is a problem. One person even stopped talking to me completely because they thought I was ignoring them and didn't like them. In actual fact, it was the exact opposite. And I have to work with this person every day which is causing my anxiety to sky rocket because of how much they dislike me.

I feel really down about all of this and i've been hating myself lately for how shy I am. It's driving me crazy.

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I am okay in smaller groups, say 2 or 3. Large groups of 10 or so I go into my shell.

Jack _ said:

I try so hard to get involved, i really do, but my intense shyness prevents me from doing anything and people start asking me things like "why are you so quiet?" and all those other questions, while the entire group stares at me and all I can do is shrug awkwardly. It's embarrassing and makes me feel so dumb and worthless. They give eachother these wide-eyed looks and I know straight away what they're thinking.

.....

I feel really down about all of this and i've been hating myself lately for how shy I am. It's driving me crazy.

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This is so familiar to me. I know that feeling of hating myself for my former shyness and quietness.

You're not dumb, and you're not worthless. You know this. Don't those thoughts make you feel like crap? It's because it's not the truth. Shyness and being quiet are not the same as being dumb or worthless (no human is worthless or dumb). Do those people make you think you are? What I'm getting at is: when those people ask if you're so quiet, do you think they really want to know and listen to the answer?
Or do you feel like they're saying it accusingly, in a "what's wrong with you?" kind of way? (it sounds like this is your impression, as you said that they exchanged something like bewildered glances)

Things kind of changed for me when I asked myself, "Would I turn to someone who was obviously uncomfortable and ask something that would probably make them feel more uncomfortable?" But it sounds like they don't have the empathy to recognize that their question puts you on the spot - they demand that you account for your silence, which puts you in a potentially vulnerable position.

putter65 said:

Jack _ said:

I've noticed that whenever i'm in a group (even with people I know well), no one tends to talk to me, or acknowledge me because of how quiet I am. In a group environment, everyone else is always so loud and hyper and i'm so quiet I think some people wonder if I even have a voice. I sink into the background while everyone else laughs and talks over eachother.

I try so hard to get involved, i really do, but my intense shyness prevents me from doing anything and people start asking me things like "why are you so quiet?" and all those other questions, while the entire group stares at me and all I can do is shrug awkwardly. It's embarrassing and makes me feel so dumb and worthless. They give eachother these wide-eyed looks and I know straight away what they're thinking.

This is a problem. One person even stopped talking to me completely because they thought I was ignoring them and didn't like them. In actual fact, it was the exact opposite. And I have to work with this person every day which is causing my anxiety to sky rocket because of how much they dislike me.

I feel really down about all of this and i've been hating myself lately for how shy I am. It's driving me crazy.

Click to expand...

I am okay in smaller groups, say 2 or 3. Large groups of 10 or so I go into my shell.

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Yes, I find it really energy consuming to be active in larger groups. It feels almost like a mini-popularity contest.

I, too, like smaller groups. Bigger groups can be a bit overwhelming and one to one can be stressful because of having always having to think of things to say.

I feel you. People think I'm weird too, lol. I'm like an observer in a way. But if people think I'm weird there not my true friend. I'm better in smaller groups and I hate partying. Rather hang out with someone at my house, but I go out every once in awhile. If you ever need to talk, send me a pm.

my husband is like this. AND YES HE DOES SEEM VERY RUDE. It's something you have to work on cause to the rest of the world you don't seem shy. People just feel hurt when you all don't answer us or make no effort to speak to us. Please try working on your shyness.

I get the "why are you so quiet?" thing a lot too when in groups of people, especially the ones that know I can be quite the talker. It is really embarrassing, no doubt about that. It's not like you want more attention drawn to you. I've never been told I was rude though, I wear my emotions on my face so even when I'm trying not to you can tell I'm nervous or uncomfortable. People have said that to me which only makes it worse. Most people just don't get it, instead of pointing it out they should make the effort to talk to us. Don't point it out, that doesn't elevate it.

People do the same thing to me. It's frustrating.

Although I understand human beings are social creatures, there is no reason to bully shy people.

I've noticed that whenever i'm in a group (even with people I know well), no one tends to talk to me, or acknowledge me because of how quiet I am. In a group environment, everyone else is always so loud and hyper and i'm so quiet I think some people wonder if I even have a voice. I sink into the background while everyone else laughs and talks over eachother.


I am like this as well at work.

For me, it is a simple matter of not liking the same things other people like. For example, many of them get together and play card games at lunch time. Sometimes I feel very out of sorts and intimidated when I have to think on my feet. I am not mentally fast on my feet. I don't like giving fast answers to questions or situations. I am a plodder. I don't like to feel rushed. Since I can't make everyone wait around for me while I think things through, I feel as though I am hampering their fun.

As a result of this, I often feel a little like I am "outside" the group.



I try so hard to get involved, i really do, but my intense shyness prevents me from doing anything and people start asking me things like "why are you so quiet?" and all those other questions, while the entire group stares at me and all I can do is shrug awkwardly. It's embarrassing and makes me feel so dumb and worthless. They give eachother these wide-eyed looks and I know straight away what they're thinking.

This is an understandable response on their part, but also unfortunate. The mature response would be for those who seem to be concerned about your being a loner to approach you privately and ask you about it.

You are certainly NOT dumb and worthless. Anyone who goes out of their way to make you feel that way needs help. The problem is theirs, not yours.


This is a problem. One person even stopped talking to me completely because they thought I was ignoring them and didn't like them. In actual fact, it was the exact opposite. And I have to work with this person every day which is causing my anxiety to sky rocket because of how much they dislike me.

I feel really down about all of this and i've been hating myself lately for how shy I am. It's driving me crazy.


Have you tried sending an email to this person to try and explain your shyness?

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Tiina63 said:

I have so often had the same problem, so can sympathise. It really is not fair to draw attention to your quietness by asking you why you are so quiet in front of everyone as this only makes you feel even more self conscious. More outgoing people often simply do not 'get' us.
Maybe you should find some other groups where you might hopefully meet some quieter people, such as reading groups? Even if you didn't join in the conversation much there, your quietness would be accepted far more easily and you might find it easier to begin taking part eventually, knowing that there is no pressure to do so.
I have often hated myself, too, for being an introvert, but we are what we are, and we have our own good qualities. There is a lot of value in being quiet and reflective-I prefer people who think more and talk less. The world is full of idle gossip-why add to it?

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Yes, exactly.

Everyone does not need to always know you are in the room. They don't actually care if you loudly announce how you feel or what everyone should do next. Their silence is not agreement.

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Trent said:

people are social creatures.

when they get together in groups, everybody must be "defined" to appease the mob.

in large groups, i usually get a predictable response.

most people will not like me, but a few will.

confident people tend to like me.

unconfident people tend to be extremely threatened by me.

my issue is that i don't play into societal norms.

for instance, if invited to a "dinner party" with a couple where the man makes a higher salary than i do, i won't play the game of him trying to "get big" on me.

that honeysuckle only floats past me for about 15 seconds before i say something like "who in the fresia do you think you are?"

also, i won't TRY to BE included in conversations.

when people gather together in their little cliques and start to gab away, i will just go elsewhere.

no time for it, it interferes with my plan for world domination.

Click to expand...

Thank you for saying it out loud. I've been wondering why I hate social gatherings.


Why must I impress other people?


Mature discussion is one thing. If you are actually seeking FIRST to understand, then be UNDERSTOOD.

But I hate politicking and one-up-man-ship. If someone needs to put others down to make themselves look good, I pity that person. I don't want to be around that person.

A lot of people are ... well .... morons. I don't want to cater to their tactics. It is not that crucial to me to be accepted by them.

Did you know that gossiping is actually healthy for you?

Cafemom

MSNbc

The atlantic

Lovelyish

Read about it!

Anyways, if you want to feel more included, you're going to have to step out of your comfort zone, and just talk. No excuses either If you really hate what they're talking about, bring something else up (just as interesting) or find other people to talk to!

I've been like that my whole life and dealt with it enough it doesn't really bother me too much, not sure it ever did. I just accept that I'll always be like, always was, it's not going to change. I've had the opportunity to change it as well. A medication I used to take made me very social and talkative. I could say anything I like without fear, I could chat a mile a minute and not stop. I actually rather enjoyed it, it was very liberating to be freed from my usual self, but the funny thing was, people got to be annoyed by me, lol. I guess I talked to much and wouldn't shut up.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I figure the people worth really getting to know are the ones who don't seem to let first judgements and misconceptions dictate the future of the social context and or relationship if one forms. I'm a 1 on 1 or small group type of person by nature. There are just way to many variables involved with the social dynamics of larger groups and I don't have enough of the right type of chemical reactions in my brain to sustain conversation in such settings. I'm not bothered by my shyness. It's just part of who I am, like the color of my eyes.

I don't think it comes off as weird, to be honest, if you have attentiveness and assertion in yourself. I had to go to a party lately for someone leaving the company; there was drinking and people being stupid. I tend to avoid both with bliss, so I mostly sat where I was, spoke softly and politely and nursed a single drink. No one thought less of me for being calm and mostly reserved; its not that I didn't respond to people, for example, just kept away from stupidity.

I Know How You Feel I Am Also Very Shy, I Try To Talk to people but my voice is so quiet no one hears me anyways, It makes me sick seeing how cruel some people can be to someone just because there shy, there is nothing wrong with being shy,. but they make it seem like there is. If You Ever Need Someone to talk to I'm here almost everyday.