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Losing someone to suicide
#1
Hi Everyone,

I just recently lost my husband (who I was separated from) to suicide. The past week and a half has been hell for me and my stepchildren. I have days where I go through every single stage of grief in 30 minutes or less.
I felt the need to write just to say to those who are depressed or have been in that dark frame of mind that no matter how low you get, there is always a chance to change your life. There are a million resources. And even if you think you have no one who cares, believe me, there are. 130 people showed up to my husband's service. It ended up being standing room only. And this was a man who shunned all of his friends, pushed everyone away including his family, yet they were all there, regardless of what he did. Everyone felt guilty and incredibly sad. I remember thinking "if he only knew.." The funny thing is, he did know, but was ashamed and too deep inside his own personal hell to reach out, even though he had reached out before and made it through many times.

All he had to do was change his thinking, switch his perspective. He had brief periods in his life that he was able to do this, but unfortunately let tiny things beat him back down again. I want everyone to remember that this is our life and we can do anything we want. It may sound corny, but its true. People concentrate so much on what they don't have, or what a million dollars might do for them, but they don't do anything to gain what they want. Don't sit and expect miracles. I plead with you, do something, anything, even if its taking a walk and appreciating nature. The tiniest things can change your thinking and your outlook on life, if you want them to, that is. But please, try to want to. It takes work, but I assure you, the end result will be amazing. And most importantly, you'll be alive to experience your results, not dead and unable to feel the pleasure of your pain being less.

If anyone who has been through a loved one's or come close to suicide and made their way back to the light, I congratulate you, because I know how hard it is. I know how tormented my husband was, and wished he could see how great life really is, when you let go of all the things that really don't matter. We all need to be encouraging and positive on here to each other. I know this forum has helped me incredibly, and know it will continue to do so. As corny as it sounds, I'm still a believer in positive thinking. It works if you choose to do it. As a personal example, a few years ago I was broke, never thought I'd get ahead, had huge bills, couldn't save a dime, and was miserable. When I realized that my life was pretty good compared to other people in worse situations, I got my priorities straight and I was able to accomplish amazing things. I have my own small little apartment now, i got a job making a little more money,(I am in no way rich at all, I live within my means, which is probably pretty shabby to others, i don't even have a TV) but I hardly have any debt left. I am totally content and now spend my time trying to enjoy life and cherish every second. And I did not come into any money, or anything like that. It took self control, motivation, and patience with myself. Don't let something like money ruin how great this life is. You can get out of whatever you feel is holding you back, you just have to take the responsibility and take control of your life. I am incredibly proud of how far I've come, and anyone can do this, if i did it, believe me.

I don't want to write anymore just in case the anger phase hits again, and I don't want to offend anyone. What my husband left for me and his family to deal with is hell and I don't want to start ranting about that. But I assure you, no one will be better off without you, in fact, they will be very very worse off, in every aspect you can imagine.
I'm only writing this to try to help someone, even if its just one person, and even if its just for today. Remember the tiniest things can make a difference. I hope I motivated someone.

Thanks. Hope everyone has a good week. Please keep my stepchildren in your thoughts.

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#2
Sad Oh wow, so sorry for what you are going through. Thanks for sharing that though.
_______________________________________________________________________
Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.  
Never Give Up!  Never Surrender!

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#3
This will definitely help someone. Very eloquently written, and of course true.

Thoughts and condolences to you and your family. Take care.

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#4
I've lost someone to suicide as well, and though they weren't family of mine it's been a burden on my mind ever since.
My thoughts are with you.
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#5
I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing your story.

I admire what you have done, and my thoughts are with you and your step-children.
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#6
I don't really know what to say. It can't be easy for you or his children. I hope that you find some peace soon and that the anger and grief you are feeling will pass. Thanks for sharing your story, because I'm sure it will help others.
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#7
I'm very sorry to hear that.Sad
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#8
(08-14-2013, 09:23 AM)LittlegirlLost Wrote: Hi Everyone,

I just recently lost my husband (who I was separated from) to suicide. The past week and a half has been hell for me and my stepchildren. I have days where I go through every single stage of grief in 30 minutes or less.
I felt the need to write just to say to those who are depressed or have been in that dark frame of mind that no matter how low you get, there is always a chance to change your life. There are a million resources. And even if you think you have no one who cares, believe me, there are. 130 people showed up to my husband's service. It ended up being standing room only. And this was a man who shunned all of his friends, pushed everyone away including his family, yet they were all there, regardless of what he did. Everyone felt guilty and incredibly sad. I remember thinking "if he only knew.." The funny thing is, he did know, but was ashamed and too deep inside his own personal hell to reach out, even though he had reached out before and made it through many times.

All he had to do was change his thinking, switch his perspective. He had brief periods in his life that he was able to do this, but unfortunately let tiny things beat him back down again. I want everyone to remember that this is our life and we can do anything we want. It may sound corny, but its true. People concentrate so much on what they don't have, or what a million dollars might do for them, but they don't do anything to gain what they want. Don't sit and expect miracles. I plead with you, do something, anything, even if its taking a walk and appreciating nature. The tiniest things can change your thinking and your outlook on life, if you want them to, that is. But please, try to want to. It takes work, but I assure you, the end result will be amazing. And most importantly, you'll be alive to experience your results, not dead and unable to feel the pleasure of your pain being less.

If anyone who has been through a loved one's or come close to suicide and made their way back to the light, I congratulate you, because I know how hard it is. I know how tormented my husband was, and wished he could see how great life really is, when you let go of all the things that really don't matter. We all need to be encouraging and positive on here to each other. I know this forum has helped me incredibly, and know it will continue to do so. As corny as it sounds, I'm still a believer in positive thinking. It works if you choose to do it. As a personal example, a few years ago I was broke, never thought I'd get ahead, had huge bills, couldn't save a dime, and was miserable. When I realized that my life was pretty good compared to other people in worse situations, I got my priorities straight and I was able to accomplish amazing things. I have my own small little apartment now, i got a job making a little more money,(I am in no way rich at all, I live within my means, which is probably pretty shabby to others, i don't even have a TV) but I hardly have any debt left. I am totally content and now spend my time trying to enjoy life and cherish every second. And I did not come into any money, or anything like that. It took self control, motivation, and patience with myself. Don't let something like money ruin how great this life is. You can get out of whatever you feel is holding you back, you just have to take the responsibility and take control of your life. I am incredibly proud of how far I've come, and anyone can do this, if i did it, believe me.

I don't want to write anymore just in case the anger phase hits again, and I don't want to offend anyone. What my husband left for me and his family to deal with is hell and I don't want to start ranting about that. But I assure you, no one will be better off without you, in fact, they will be very very worse off, in every aspect you can imagine.
I'm only writing this to try to help someone, even if its just one person, and even if its just for today. Remember the tiniest things can make a difference. I hope I motivated someone.

Thanks. Hope everyone has a good week. Please keep my stepchildren in your thoughts.
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and I can only imagine what and how you must be feeling deep inside. There are most likely no words that anyone can say to make it any better for you. I'm going to share something with you and everyone else who reads this because your note and words really touched me.

When someone is in that state of mind and I mean the state of mind whereby your thinking is only to ''stop thinking''. This may sound harsh but no matter who you have in your life, no matter how close you may be to someone, no matter how many friends and family you can or could have spoken to, no matter who you love, no matter how wonderful the people in your life is - you must understand that when you are in ''that'' frame of mind, when you start thinking that you honesty believe that there is no way out and all you want is for your brain to stop thinking, all you want is to be in peace - there is no going back. Unfortunately, in that state of mind, one does not think of your loved one's that you will leave behind, nor of all your wonderful friends and family, nor of how much pain you will cause upon your friends and family if you commit suicide - and I say this as ''unfortunately'' because it is so.

If you could talk to your husband right now, I can promise you that he would be telling you that he regrets what he did and how so very sorry he is! Most people who try to commit suicide and don't manage to get it right - the majority will never try it again because one realises what a huge trauma that would have been to your family and friends and then you would get help and even ask for help. Unfortunately we don't all get through it and we don't all get a second chance. And I am telling you all this because I have been there and I was not supposed to have survived. I can also tell you that when I woke up in the hospital and realised that I was still alive, I freaked out and still wanted to die! The feeling on being in that deep black hole and truly believing that there is no way out is so strong. I would not have made it without any help. I was one of the very lucky ones or perhaps God had other plans for me - I fought against help but I had such wonderful friends and family, they never allowed me to give up and stood by me all the way - I also had the most amazing Psychologist who believed in me and never gave up on me. Without any of this support I have to say with shame that I most likely would have tried it again. At the same time there is no excuse for someone committing suicide and leaving your loved ones behind with the suffering and loss - absolutely no excuse however, please try to understand that in that frame of mind no one can help and that it's no ones fault. It's just a painful tragedy. A terrible tragedy that could have been spared, that could have been helped but was not.

Please don't feel offended by what I have told you - this is not the reason I wanted to share this with you. I just want you to know that I don't believe your husband meant to do this, just know this! And at the same time, no one could have stopped him from doing this. A decision like this is thought through over and over in ones head until your mind can't take it any longer, until your mind actually goes blank and for just that instance when your mind goes blank, is all that is needed to shut down. It is not and was not anyone's fault, not yours, not his children, not his friends or family's fault - it was just a tragedy...

My sincere sympathy goes out to you and your family and I pray that you all find some kind of peace in the future...
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#9
I'm sorry for your loss. Someone close to me killed herself early last year and I still don't go a day without thinking of her. It's tough.
Unfortunately I'm to the point she was at and am myself struggling to go on.

(08-14-2013, 09:23 AM)LittlegirlLost Wrote: People concentrate so much on what they don't have, or what a million dollars might do for them, but they don't do anything to gain what they want. Don't sit and expect miracles.

If only dating were that simple. Unfortunately finding someone to date does require sitting around hoping for a miracle.
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#10
HI Susana,

Thank you for your reply. I am very happy that you made it through. I don't take offense to anything you wrote, and I hope you don't take offense to this. I am so happy that you got through things, and especially that you found a great psychologist. I work in the field and know what a nightmare finding a good treatment team is. I am so happy for you, and really appreciate your insight.
I do understand and try to tell myself that he was in such a state of mind that he did not think things through. I will be honest and say one of the reasons I was so angry was that he definitely took steps before doing what he did, covered windows, set up a room, put six bowls of food out for the cats...etc. If he thought to do all that, why didn't he consider that I could have been the one to find him? I was the only one with a key to his house. Luckily, I had a bad feeling and ended up getting the cops involved, so they were the ones who finally went into the house and found him, not me. But that really made me angry that he didn't consider that, yet considered all those other things. But again, I know his depression was a disease, and since the brain is still one of those organs we know so little about, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. All the things I have been left to deal with is hell. I feel like he dumped stuff on me because he didn't want to take responsibility for his life. There is a mess with his bills and house and mortgage and it isn't fair to me or his children to have to deal with. So these are the things that the anger rises from.

I know no one could have stopped him. I know it is no one's fault. I don't feel guilty anymore, because I think if our relationship had turned out differently, he probably still would have done it. I just wish I could tell someone who is suicidal what a horrible mess they will make for everyone, not just emotionally but in every aspect.






(08-14-2013, 09:59 PM)Susana Wrote:
(08-14-2013, 09:23 AM)LittlegirlLost Wrote: Hi Everyone,

I just recently lost my husband (who I was separated from) to suicide. The past week and a half has been hell for me and my stepchildren. I have days where I go through every single stage of grief in 30 minutes or less.
I felt the need to write just to say to those who are depressed or have been in that dark frame of mind that no matter how low you get, there is always a chance to change your life. There are a million resources. And even if you think you have no one who cares, believe me, there are. 130 people showed up to my husband's service. It ended up being standing room only. And this was a man who shunned all of his friends, pushed everyone away including his family, yet they were all there, regardless of what he did. Everyone felt guilty and incredibly sad. I remember thinking "if he only knew.." The funny thing is, he did know, but was ashamed and too deep inside his own personal hell to reach out, even though he had reached out before and made it through many times.

All he had to do was change his thinking, switch his perspective. He had brief periods in his life that he was able to do this, but unfortunately let tiny things beat him back down again. I want everyone to remember that this is our life and we can do anything we want. It may sound corny, but its true. People concentrate so much on what they don't have, or what a million dollars might do for them, but they don't do anything to gain what they want. Don't sit and expect miracles. I plead with you, do something, anything, even if its taking a walk and appreciating nature. The tiniest things can change your thinking and your outlook on life, if you want them to, that is. But please, try to want to. It takes work, but I assure you, the end result will be amazing. And most importantly, you'll be alive to experience your results, not dead and unable to feel the pleasure of your pain being less.

If anyone who has been through a loved one's or come close to suicide and made their way back to the light, I congratulate you, because I know how hard it is. I know how tormented my husband was, and wished he could see how great life really is, when you let go of all the things that really don't matter. We all need to be encouraging and positive on here to each other. I know this forum has helped me incredibly, and know it will continue to do so. As corny as it sounds, I'm still a believer in positive thinking. It works if you choose to do it. As a personal example, a few years ago I was broke, never thought I'd get ahead, had huge bills, couldn't save a dime, and was miserable. When I realized that my life was pretty good compared to other people in worse situations, I got my priorities straight and I was able to accomplish amazing things. I have my own small little apartment now, i got a job making a little more money,(I am in no way rich at all, I live within my means, which is probably pretty shabby to others, i don't even have a TV) but I hardly have any debt left. I am totally content and now spend my time trying to enjoy life and cherish every second. And I did not come into any money, or anything like that. It took self control, motivation, and patience with myself. Don't let something like money ruin how great this life is. You can get out of whatever you feel is holding you back, you just have to take the responsibility and take control of your life. I am incredibly proud of how far I've come, and anyone can do this, if i did it, believe me.

I don't want to write anymore just in case the anger phase hits again, and I don't want to offend anyone. What my husband left for me and his family to deal with is hell and I don't want to start ranting about that. But I assure you, no one will be better off without you, in fact, they will be very very worse off, in every aspect you can imagine.
I'm only writing this to try to help someone, even if its just one person, and even if its just for today. Remember the tiniest things can make a difference. I hope I motivated someone.

Thanks. Hope everyone has a good week. Please keep my stepchildren in your thoughts.
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and I can only imagine what and how you must be feeling deep inside. There are most likely no words that anyone can say to make it any better for you. I'm going to share something with you and everyone else who reads this because your note and words really touched me.

When someone is in that state of mind and I mean the state of mind whereby your thinking is only to ''stop thinking''. This may sound harsh but no matter who you have in your life, no matter how close you may be to someone, no matter how many friends and family you can or could have spoken to, no matter who you love, no matter how wonderful the people in your life is - you must understand that when you are in ''that'' frame of mind, when you start thinking that you honesty believe that there is no way out and all you want is for your brain to stop thinking, all you want is to be in peace - there is no going back. Unfortunately, in that state of mind, one does not think of your loved one's that you will leave behind, nor of all your wonderful friends and family, nor of how much pain you will cause upon your friends and family if you commit suicide - and I say this as ''unfortunately'' because it is so.

If you could talk to your husband right now, I can promise you that he would be telling you that he regrets what he did and how so very sorry he is! Most people who try to commit suicide and don't manage to get it right - the majority will never try it again because one realises what a huge trauma that would have been to your family and friends and then you would get help and even ask for help. Unfortunately we don't all get through it and we don't all get a second chance. And I am telling you all this because I have been there and I was not supposed to have survived. I can also tell you that when I woke up in the hospital and realised that I was still alive, I freaked out and still wanted to die! The feeling on being in that deep black hole and truly believing that there is no way out is so strong. I would not have made it without any help. I was one of the very lucky ones or perhaps God had other plans for me - I fought against help but I had such wonderful friends and family, they never allowed me to give up and stood by me all the way - I also had the most amazing Psychologist who believed in me and never gave up on me. Without any of this support I have to say with shame that I most likely would have tried it again. At the same time there is no excuse for someone committing suicide and leaving your loved ones behind with the suffering and loss - absolutely no excuse however, please try to understand that in that frame of mind no one can help and that it's no ones fault. It's just a painful tragedy. A terrible tragedy that could have been spared, that could have been helped but was not.

Please don't feel offended by what I have told you - this is not the reason I wanted to share this with you. I just want you to know that I don't believe your husband meant to do this, just know this! And at the same time, no one could have stopped him from doing this. A decision like this is thought through over and over in ones head until your mind can't take it any longer, until your mind actually goes blank and for just that instance when your mind goes blank, is all that is needed to shut down. It is not and was not anyone's fault, not yours, not his children, not his friends or family's fault - it was just a tragedy...

My sincere sympathy goes out to you and your family and I pray that you all find some kind of peace in the future...
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