Mental Health Help!

Hey guys,

The last couple of days I've reached breaking point, some of you may know that I'm a carer for my foster parents (I call them nan and grandad) my grandad died last year of lung cancer and now I just care for my nan!
It was a very stressful week before my grandad died for many reasons, but one of the biggest was my nan telling me that there was something wrong with her - I don't want to go into too much detail because it's not my place to broadcast her business.
However, the problem she has is all mental but she believes it's an issue affecting her body.

I've told her many times it's not possible to have what she thinks she has but of course she doesn't believe me because she's believed she's had this issue for over 20 years!
I took her to the doctors this week and they have put her on some heavy medication that makes he sleep a lot and referred her to a psychaitric nurse that may take a month to see.
It's just so overwhelming, I've been dealing with this for a year on my own, I've had to go through her threatening to kill herself if I told anyone and her becoming increasing irrational. I managed to finally convince her to go to the doctors, I just want to see her happy and healthy.

She does have sons, two of them visit regularly but she acts completely fine with them, doesn't tell them of her issues and when I ask why she'll say ' I don't want them to worry or know' this makes me upset because it makes me feel like she doesn't care about me as much as she does them, am I wrong or am I being self-absorbed?

I just feel completely drained, I have my own issues with aniexty and depression so I don't feel equip to deal with this but I don't have a choice.

Anyways, is there anyone here that perhaps had someone they cared for that has mental health issues, or a family member - how did you deal with it?

I hope this makes senses and is not just cryptic ramblings.

If anything, I think she trusts you more than she trusts them with her issues. There's a thick layer of shame in admitting health problems when you are of old age -- admitting that the time is running out and you are not the same as before, so IMO she probably trusts that you won't freak out.

As for mental health issues, you have to distance yourself a bit. Not as in not supporting her anymore, but being aware that she has a mental problem and if she says something hurtful or irrational, you have to know it's not *her* talking. It's a great thing that you managed to get her into seeing a doctor; it's a good first step. But considering her age, it might not get better and you need to shield yourself, especially because, as you say, you can't step out of the situation.

I hope everything turns out well for you

I agree with Ymir-it sounds as though she trusts you more than them with her issues. She feels safe enough with you to be herself with you. And now that professionals are involved, hopefully this will eventually take some of the strain off you.
Could you maybe talk to her sons about the situation or would you feel that this would be betraying her confidence? I am suggesting doing this as they may be able to offer you some support, maybe come and sit with her or have her to stay with them every so often to give you some respite from the caring role.

Ymir said:

If anything, I think she trusts you more than she trusts them with her issues. There's a thick layer of shame in admitting health problems when you are of old age -- admitting that the time is running out and you are not the same as before, so IMO she probably trusts that you won't freak out.

As for mental health issues, you have to distance yourself a bit. Not as in not supporting her anymore, but being aware that she has a mental problem and if she says something hurtful or irrational, you have to know it's not *her* talking. It's a great thing that you managed to get her into seeing a doctor; it's a good first step. But considering her age, it might not get better and you need to shield yourself, especially because, as you say, you can't step out of the situation.

I hope everything turns out well for you

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Thanks for the response Ymir, at first I did believe it was because she trusted me but I sort think it may be a combination of trust and selfishness. I'm glad she told me because I would never want her to go through this alone but her reasoning for not telling her sons annoy me, she's always trying to make them happy constantly and I'm just left here becoming the shell of the woman I used to be, I do everything and just don't have the strength anymore and I don't know where to turn.
Her condition is all in her head, she is physically fine apart from arthritis in her legs.
Thanks for the advice, I really wish I could distance myself but there is no where to go mentally or physically.

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Tiina63 said:

I agree with Ymir-it sounds as though she trusts you more than them with her issues. She feels safe enough with you to be herself with you. And now that professionals are involved, hopefully this will eventually take some of the strain off you.
Could you maybe talk to her sons about the situation or would you feel that this would be betraying her confidence? I am suggesting doing this as they may be able to offer you some support, maybe come and sit with her or have her to stay with them every so often to give you some respite from the caring role.

Click to expand...

I've told her I would have to tell them the other night when she was really bad and quite frankly scaring me but she threatened to take an overdose, I don't think she would but she's so irrational at the moment I can't take the risk.
She constantly blackmails and manipulates me, which I don't always believes she does intentionally but it does put an even bigger strain on our relationship and me helping her.

Could you tell them about it all but ask them not to tell her that you have told them so that they could maybe offer discreet background support? Even if they can do nothing for her directly (because of fear she might take an overdose), it would help you to be able to talk to them whenever you need to vent and to get emotional support from them.

Tiina63 said:

Could you tell them about it all but ask them not to tell her that you have told them so that they could maybe offer discreet background support? Even if they can do nothing for her directly (because of fear she might take an overdose), it would help you to be able to talk to them whenever you need to vent and to get emotional support from them.

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They unfortunately would tell her they know, I did think about doing that but I was unsure if it would do more harm then good.
I've spoken to my best friend about it, I was able to say things out loud to her which really helped but this is such a huge emotional issue I didn't want to burden her with it, if that makes sense?!
Thank you Tina for your advice, I think if it gets any worse I will have to tell them anyways.

*hugs* I hope you remain strong, my dear. I know it must not be easy to carry such a responsibility. I don't have anything better to say but just to say that I'm here to support you and here if you want to talk. You know where to find me. xx