el Jay
Well-known member
Been a while since I've made a thread (or posted at all), but that's partly because of how I've been feeling lately (for the better part of the past year).
I still work as a pharmacy tech, and have had no luck finding any sort of job in my desired areas of interest (biology/botany/ecology) after graduating last May. I still feel like I must be looking incorrectly, since all I know how to do is search online job posting sites and similar things for openings, most of which are obviously intended for more experienced people than me (and I don't mean like a "X years of experience" sort of bullet point).
I've also thought about pursuing some sort of career in writing (probably technical), and/or trying my hand at video game development again, but I can never find the energy or will to bother. It feels like a foregone conclusion that I'll just end up failing (or the project will fall through). My mom seems to think this may be in part to my antidepressants, but its the same sort of problem I've had for years. I just don't believe in my ability to actually accomplish anything that will help me support myself.
On the (somewhat) plus side, I actually had a girlfriend for a few months I met through okcupid in June. She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because she said she wasn't developing romantic feelings towards me despite that I was towards her, and she didn't want to lead me on. She actually made a special trip out to my apartment (about ~40 mins. away) to tell me this, too. On one hand, it feels like this did repair my horrible self-image from my previous relationship, but I still feel like I'll never actually find anyone who I can really connect with mutually.
I just feel like my life is pointless. The only people I see on any regular basis (aside from employees of places I shop) are my coworkers. The ONLY people. The only real friend I have in real life hasn't been over in months. These people are literally the only ones I ever have any real contact with on anything more than a superficial level. On top of that, my job always leaves me very exhausted since I'm very introverted (but outgoing), so all the social interaction leaves me completely drained.
What can I do to escape this hopeless stasis? Nothing drives or motivates me anymore. I've seen a therapist and a psychologist, and although both did help me some, neither really provided any sort of definitive perspective or relief for me. It was nice being able to talk about my issues, but even then I was never able to allow myself to be fully truthful with them about some aspects of my life and past.
I still work as a pharmacy tech, and have had no luck finding any sort of job in my desired areas of interest (biology/botany/ecology) after graduating last May. I still feel like I must be looking incorrectly, since all I know how to do is search online job posting sites and similar things for openings, most of which are obviously intended for more experienced people than me (and I don't mean like a "X years of experience" sort of bullet point).
I've also thought about pursuing some sort of career in writing (probably technical), and/or trying my hand at video game development again, but I can never find the energy or will to bother. It feels like a foregone conclusion that I'll just end up failing (or the project will fall through). My mom seems to think this may be in part to my antidepressants, but its the same sort of problem I've had for years. I just don't believe in my ability to actually accomplish anything that will help me support myself.
On the (somewhat) plus side, I actually had a girlfriend for a few months I met through okcupid in June. She broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because she said she wasn't developing romantic feelings towards me despite that I was towards her, and she didn't want to lead me on. She actually made a special trip out to my apartment (about ~40 mins. away) to tell me this, too. On one hand, it feels like this did repair my horrible self-image from my previous relationship, but I still feel like I'll never actually find anyone who I can really connect with mutually.
I just feel like my life is pointless. The only people I see on any regular basis (aside from employees of places I shop) are my coworkers. The ONLY people. The only real friend I have in real life hasn't been over in months. These people are literally the only ones I ever have any real contact with on anything more than a superficial level. On top of that, my job always leaves me very exhausted since I'm very introverted (but outgoing), so all the social interaction leaves me completely drained.
What can I do to escape this hopeless stasis? Nothing drives or motivates me anymore. I've seen a therapist and a psychologist, and although both did help me some, neither really provided any sort of definitive perspective or relief for me. It was nice being able to talk about my issues, but even then I was never able to allow myself to be fully truthful with them about some aspects of my life and past.