NobodySomebody
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- Joined
- Nov 11, 2015
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- 9
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I love my mother but it's like I don't like being around her if that makes sense. She's probably my only real relationship. She raised me by herself and I've come to suspect I'm codependent but I'm trying to break away.
Yesterday she was mad at me for no reason I've been on these steroids and I have been very hungry so I guess I tried eating more than I should have and her reaction was "I can't believe you did that you pig."
I also packed to things for lunch and she said "Oh that's healthy." I mean really. I feel like all she does is tell me to do something. If I say "Okay I'll take care of it." if like an hour or few minutes pass she'll get mad. Be all "Never mind." even if I try to do it she'll be "Never mind I'll do it."
Some days earlier she picked me up from work and when asked what I bought for lunch I said junk food (chex mix, skittles and M&M's) she then says I was going to become diabetic. This coming from a woman who had bought Pizza for dinner. Never mind she's left the Halloween candy out for me to eat.
Growing up it was always "I'm the adult your the child." my opinion never mattered. I sometimes think she just humors me. I'm a internet porn addict and when I confessed thinking it was a good idea she says "will power" and other honeysuckle like that. She is into "positive thinking" and likes only country music I play heavy metal or rock she's like "You call that music."
I remember once she said she didn't believe in mixed marriage but I don't think that's entirely the case(it was too long ago) the point is I felt angry at the idea that if I married a woman of a different race she wouldn't except it. I think later on she said "I was raised in a time when that wasn't acceptable." so I'm not sure if that's true or not.
I remember once I started to get curious about BDSM (watched the CSI Lady Heather episode) that got me curious. I've always been curious. One day I asked something about BDSM (I barely knew anything about it) and she yelled "That is sick honeysuckle and if you ever get into it I'll be very disappointed in you."
I remember another time when I was young I found out about the Howard Stern show. She found out I was watching it and got mad at me. Back then I never watched anything without her persmission(I was maybe in the six grade) well except the Man Show and South Park. Holy crap I just realized my obsession with hot women and other crap goes back further than I thought. Ultimately that's where doing things behind her back started and how I got addicted to porn and all she's ever done is judge me for it.
The point is I always felt compelled to hide things because my mom would not approve I think this evolved into insecurity issues that make me uncomfortable opening up to people. Which until now I use to blame my father for not being in my life more. Okay wow I'm just figuring all this stuff out now as I write.
So what I've been trying to bring up and have been getting side tracked is this she says "You should get your drivers license" if I say "Fine I'll get it lets go." She'll be all "The speedometer doesn't work and we have to go to the city. You also haven't studied the traffic laws and blah blah." It's not rocket science I know most of the symbols laws.
It's like I'm dammed if I do dammed if I don't. Now I have trolled online in the past made up stories just to get a reaction but also because it was a way for me to be anybody else. That's why being online appeals to me so much I can be anybody I want. Except I'm also a writer and I casted the main characters mother as the antagonist and at first I thought I was just being creative but now I think my subconscious has been trying to tell me something. Something I've never really admitted until now is I think my mother is the source of my insecurities.
Also I remember I suggested I took a day off work for Thanksgiving she got mad. I get my job is important but these last few years I feel like she excludes me from family gatherings. Like I had a day off and it was a relatives birthday she's like "No I don't feel like going."
Once I snapped and said "I know you don't think much of me." she started crying and no matter how hard I tried to apologize it never worked. That's how it works we fight I give her space she stays mad and we never really talk about it.
I feel like that's her go to because I have been thinking back a lot and we never talk it's either she gets mad I try to apologize she's all "I don't want to talk about it."
I'm probably no victim I have added fuel to the fire hell I can be the fire sometimes because I'm temperamental however if I try to difuse the situation it doesn't work. but I'm 25 and tired of being treated like a kid. For example she just came in and said she wanted me. Okay I can't even say if without laughing. She said "Clean your room or you wont get Christmas presents." All I can think is "Okay..." I mean I was already planning it and when something like this happens I'm tempted not to because then if I do she's just going to think I did it because she said so.
Is it possible she just doesn't recognize me as an adult or something?
I keep thinking maybe I should move out and get an apartment but then I remember I don't make nearly enough money and have no car. Am I over reacting or is there a clear problem? I mean she acts like I don't do anything around the house despite that I do a lot of what she tells me.
Yesterday she was mad at me for no reason I've been on these steroids and I have been very hungry so I guess I tried eating more than I should have and her reaction was "I can't believe you did that you pig."
I also packed to things for lunch and she said "Oh that's healthy." I mean really. I feel like all she does is tell me to do something. If I say "Okay I'll take care of it." if like an hour or few minutes pass she'll get mad. Be all "Never mind." even if I try to do it she'll be "Never mind I'll do it."
Some days earlier she picked me up from work and when asked what I bought for lunch I said junk food (chex mix, skittles and M&M's) she then says I was going to become diabetic. This coming from a woman who had bought Pizza for dinner. Never mind she's left the Halloween candy out for me to eat.
Growing up it was always "I'm the adult your the child." my opinion never mattered. I sometimes think she just humors me. I'm a internet porn addict and when I confessed thinking it was a good idea she says "will power" and other honeysuckle like that. She is into "positive thinking" and likes only country music I play heavy metal or rock she's like "You call that music."
I remember once she said she didn't believe in mixed marriage but I don't think that's entirely the case(it was too long ago) the point is I felt angry at the idea that if I married a woman of a different race she wouldn't except it. I think later on she said "I was raised in a time when that wasn't acceptable." so I'm not sure if that's true or not.
I remember once I started to get curious about BDSM (watched the CSI Lady Heather episode) that got me curious. I've always been curious. One day I asked something about BDSM (I barely knew anything about it) and she yelled "That is sick honeysuckle and if you ever get into it I'll be very disappointed in you."
I remember another time when I was young I found out about the Howard Stern show. She found out I was watching it and got mad at me. Back then I never watched anything without her persmission(I was maybe in the six grade) well except the Man Show and South Park. Holy crap I just realized my obsession with hot women and other crap goes back further than I thought. Ultimately that's where doing things behind her back started and how I got addicted to porn and all she's ever done is judge me for it.
The point is I always felt compelled to hide things because my mom would not approve I think this evolved into insecurity issues that make me uncomfortable opening up to people. Which until now I use to blame my father for not being in my life more. Okay wow I'm just figuring all this stuff out now as I write.
So what I've been trying to bring up and have been getting side tracked is this she says "You should get your drivers license" if I say "Fine I'll get it lets go." She'll be all "The speedometer doesn't work and we have to go to the city. You also haven't studied the traffic laws and blah blah." It's not rocket science I know most of the symbols laws.
It's like I'm dammed if I do dammed if I don't. Now I have trolled online in the past made up stories just to get a reaction but also because it was a way for me to be anybody else. That's why being online appeals to me so much I can be anybody I want. Except I'm also a writer and I casted the main characters mother as the antagonist and at first I thought I was just being creative but now I think my subconscious has been trying to tell me something. Something I've never really admitted until now is I think my mother is the source of my insecurities.
Also I remember I suggested I took a day off work for Thanksgiving she got mad. I get my job is important but these last few years I feel like she excludes me from family gatherings. Like I had a day off and it was a relatives birthday she's like "No I don't feel like going."
Once I snapped and said "I know you don't think much of me." she started crying and no matter how hard I tried to apologize it never worked. That's how it works we fight I give her space she stays mad and we never really talk about it.
I feel like that's her go to because I have been thinking back a lot and we never talk it's either she gets mad I try to apologize she's all "I don't want to talk about it."
I'm probably no victim I have added fuel to the fire hell I can be the fire sometimes because I'm temperamental however if I try to difuse the situation it doesn't work. but I'm 25 and tired of being treated like a kid. For example she just came in and said she wanted me. Okay I can't even say if without laughing. She said "Clean your room or you wont get Christmas presents." All I can think is "Okay..." I mean I was already planning it and when something like this happens I'm tempted not to because then if I do she's just going to think I did it because she said so.
Is it possible she just doesn't recognize me as an adult or something?
I keep thinking maybe I should move out and get an apartment but then I remember I don't make nearly enough money and have no car. Am I over reacting or is there a clear problem? I mean she acts like I don't do anything around the house despite that I do a lot of what she tells me.