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My psychiatrist of 6 Years is Retiring Next Month.
#1
I feel like I'm losing something that was a part of my life for a big chunk of it. I'm 35. I've never had a psychiatrist for as long as I've had this one. He certainly wasn't a friend and I was always careful around him. Like the way a person is careful around another who can give you something that makes you feel better for periods of time. Namely, a benzodiazepine. So I can rest easier at night and stay calmer during the day. But I never changed anything at all. I just showed up every two weeks and talked because I had no one else to talk to - I used a psychiatrist that Medicare/Medicaid paid for - as a very poor substitute for something that barely resembled a confident. And certainly not a friend. He was always pleasant and accommodating. But that was as far as it went. I never made any effort to change. Except for a brief stint in vocational rehabilitation three years ago. That I never completed. And last year when SSA reevaluated my disability insurance for the first time in seven years, he was helpful. I got my disability that I've been collecting for half my life continued. With his help. But he's 85 and in declining health and just told me this morning at our second to last session that he's retiring next month. After a recent serious illness. He's never been to explicit or candid about himself with me because after all he is a psychiatrist. But I got the impression at the beginning of the month when I last saw him before today that he was definitely unwell. And he's been sick ever since then. At least I think. He doesn't look as put together as he used to look. I'm very sad. Mostly because his life appears to be winding down and mine feels like I never started - I'm a 35 year old man who lives with my mother in a small rundown apartment in an affluent area. I'm poor. I'm friendless. Of course, childless. No spouse or partner. No job. No money. And I have an unhealthy obsession with dying. I think about it everyday. For the last 4 years. I just want to move on to something beyond life. But there may be nothing at all beyond life. This may be 'it'. Death could be like being locked in an unfinished basement with no windows. Or like being in a cave in the side of a mountain thousands of feet above ground. Or below it. I don't think I'll ever find another private psychiatrist nowadays. None of them accept Medicare. And most don't accept any insurance at all. Cash only. Which I don't have. And the last thing I want to do is go to an outpatient clinic for Medicare patients that operates within the walls of a mental hospital. For reasons that should be obvious to anyone. It's like being in the belly of the beast. I'm scared. But mostly because I've just got nothing at all going for me. I wander the streets nearby my home most days and sit by the woods on benches. I just stare at the trees and the small amount of wildlife and wish my life was over. Then I go home at sunset. My mother, my only living family member, is in pain everyday with serious medical problems. A twisted spine. A chiropractor did it to her. He assaulted her. I feel scared for her. She's only 67 and was supposed to live to 100. I always wanted her to outlive me so I'd never be alone. But now I'm more scared than ever I could be all alone one day in the not so distance future - perhaps five or seven years. Someone help me. Please talk to me.
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#2
I'm so sorry. I can relate. I live in a tiny condo with my mom. I'm 36. No friends in real life except my kitty and no b/f. I'm broke.I think about dying everyday as well. Sad So sorry about ur mom. I freak out all the time since my mom is 72.

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#3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2rG4Dg6xyI

I've been in the dark for a while now, myself.  I've recently had a brief glimpse of some sunlight through the clouds; it was wonderful; but, it didn't last.

Wish I could spit out an answer for you; but, sometimes you just have to hang on tight.  I understand how you feel.  I feel trapped in a situation, that seems quite much the same.  I'm also in the same system you are.  Just had to talk with a case manager today and he's telling me about how he's glad I don't, 'cut', anymore (for fucks sake I haven't cut in 8 years).  Then he tells me about another client he's working with who he's trying to help with that, 'problem'.

I see no problem with cutting.  I like my scars.  But, it's a taboo thing.  Obviously if you are cutting yourself as a, 'cry for help', then you should be wary of your behavior.  You may not get the kind of, 'help', you are looking for.  But there is entire subculture of body-modification, of which, scarification is quite normal.

Christianity used to be a cult, of which, it's members where often put to death.  Christians used to be oppressed.  Now, they often do much of the oppressing, oblivious to it, and calling it, 'help'.  Heh.

You are not alone.  If I knew a way out myself, I would be on that path.  It seems sometimes the only thing a pika can do is hide and hope the fox doesn't come.

I hope you find a way out of your situation.  I hope you find true friendship and understanding among peers.  And I hope you can fight the obstacles and fears that keep you from living your life as an independent person capable of taking care of themselves.  I hope this for me too.

Also, some times, I think, you have to let worrying go.  I don't mean go full YOLO and 'fuck it all'; but, a quiet sort of acceptance of what is, that allows you to both enjoy what you do still have and not add extra weight to the real problems at hand.  To see through the fog so you can begin to work on what you are capable of working on; and, learn to let go of the things that are, out of your control.

I don't believe in an afterlife myself; but there will be life after my life, at least from the observation that there was life before my life.  However, I don't think that death is, 'the end'.  Maybe the end of, 'me', as an idea, as a construct, as a point of perception in the universe; but, other than that, I don't know.  I always joked that, 'why do in this life what you can put off to the next life?'  But, procrastination usually always has the same consequence...  And that's to be burdened exponentially by something that could have been a lot less painful if dealt with in a timely fashion.  Some lessons seem to only be able to be learned the hard-way.

I'm of the mind to believe though, that, if you really wanted to kill yourself, you would know it.  I don't want to die alone in some bath-tub or off some bridge, sad, alone, and scared.  And I don't think anyone in their right mind, wants that for another person either.  So, have a little faith, and hope.  And if you have no faith or hope.  Say, you hope for hope.  You hope for faith.  And have faith that hope and faith will find you.

These are all just words; but, you are not alone.  

Good luck.  I'm sure a lot of us here, could use it.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle."
-Namu Amida Butsu
--Hippo Sad
---May your jimmies be forever unrustled...
----"At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice." -Maya Angelou
-----"Lack of personal justice does not excuse one's own ignorance.  Do not be blinded by the wrongs done to you, lest you stumble and wrong others."
------"...There's jazz going on..." -Alan Watts
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#4
I'll never be able to find another psychiatrist either. I got lucky six years ago when I found someone a comfortable treelined two mile walk from my home. In a cushy and serene old house in a residential neighborhood with decent looking people in the waiting room and most times no people at all. The psychiatrist settled for what Medicare paid him and never once billed me in six years. Allowed me the medication I was comfortable taking with few side effects. I had it perfect. I'll never have that again. Not with the state of things nowadays. Way too many people all clamoring for the same services. Doctors retiring. Shortages. Right now, I have to concentrate on tapering off medication that was keeping me calm and settled most days. I've only got a little over a month or so before it's gone forever.
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#5
(08-30-2019, 01:00 PM)WilsonAlone Wrote: I'll never be able to find another psychiatrist either. I got lucky six years ago when I found someone a comfortable treelined two mile walk from my home. In a cushy and serene old house in a residential neighborhood with decent looking people in the waiting room and most times no people at all. The psychiatrist settled for what Medicare paid him and never once billed me in six years. Allowed me the medication I was comfortable taking with few side effects. I had it perfect. I'll never have that again. Not with the state of things nowadays. Way too many people all clamoring for the same services. Doctors retiring. Shortages. Right now, I have to concentrate on tapering off medication that was keeping me calm and settled most days. I've only got a little over a month or so before it's gone forever.

I had the opportunity to pay out of pocket for some one in private practice a few years ago.  She was an NP and didn't seem to be any worse or better than my medicare services; but, I know if I was in a pinch, I could probably find an NP or psychiatrist I could pay out of pocket.  Fortunately, most medications now are also available as, uhmm, generic.  I had a decent psychiatrist when I was younger.  I didn't really trust him; but, he was very respectful of me and I only had to see him twice a year.  We'd talk for 15 minutes and he'd just write me my scripts and scheduled me in another 6 months.  So, if I was lucky I could find something like that if I needed to.  I think at the worst I could find some one in private practice who was willing to see me 4 times a year and I may have to pay around 50 bux a month or something for drugs at the most.  Benzos are cheap and have many generics, so that's good.

If it's worrying you, perhaps you should shop around for, uhmm, NP's and psychiatrists in your area.  I know an NP will be cheaper.  Not sure where you live and what the laws are like; but, here, Nurse Practitioners are more common than actual psychiatrists, for better or worse.

Another thing you could do, since you talk about having trouble maintaining work, is giving that another try, and or, looking for online, work from home type jobs.  I know at least one person on these forums has been working online from home.  Honestly, I've never figured out how to find a job like that and not sure I would like it; but, if you persist, you may do better than me.  Just becareful with looking for that type of work, there are a lot of scams out there.  I got scammed by a paper add at my community college once looking for a job like that.

Also, since you have access to, 'vocational rehab', and other services of that nature, perhaps you could get the, 'help', to work for you and look into library type jobs, or something really simple, just to get your feet wet (14 hours a week or something).  At least then, even if the job is absolute hell and you have a tough time, you have a lot of time to recooperate and not let it preoccupy yourself.

I don't know if any of those ideas help or anything; but, hang in there.  I know library jobs are REALLY hard to get, I think some people go to school for that stuff now; but, if you really bug them, you might be able to get some kind of custodial work at the least, or something, and if you have a social worker with you to help give you the sympathy card, you might find an in-road.  Plus, you'd get to see all kinds of books and stuff.

Having a low paying job with not a lot of hours, might not solve all your problems immediately; but, if you can build a money buffer, even a small one, it may help in moment of great need.

I've been ignoring the harsher realities of life for a while now and just kind of hiding and hoping things get better; but, sometimes the storm is going to rage on and you have to go out and brave it a bit. 

Good luck.  I hope some of this helps at least a little.  Another thing you could do is diagram a bit.  Sometimes it helps to visualize things, even if you can't immediately do anything about.  Start with the biggest problem and break it down into smaller and smaller peices till you get things down to a size where you can try to tackle them one at a time and if you get stuck on one area, just move on to a different one.  Like they say on multiple choice tests that are timed.  If you get stuck, just move on and come back.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard inner battle."
-Namu Amida Butsu
--Hippo Sad
---May your jimmies be forever unrustled...
----"At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice." -Maya Angelou
-----"Lack of personal justice does not excuse one's own ignorance.  Do not be blinded by the wrongs done to you, lest you stumble and wrong others."
------"...There's jazz going on..." -Alan Watts
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#6
I don't want to work. What's the point? There are so many people out there all vying for the same low paying jobs who are willing to undercut me that any employer will take whoever they can use up the most. My only goal is to keep my Social Security  benefits because without them I'll perish. Under some bridge in a cardboard box. And if I don't see a doctor for help by the next time I'm up for reevaluation the SSA will drop me. So I'm assuming there are many people in the country (U.S.A.) who are probably in a similar position. If you lose an amiable and accommodating doctor, YOU CAN'T FIND A NEW ONE. They're all retiring or not taking on new patients or THEY WANT CASH UP FRONT.
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#7
I'll be honest and tell you I didn't read your whole post. I couldn't follow it with it all being in one paragraph.

So you don't want to work because of the "competition" of getting a job? That seems a little....lazy?....to me. I don't think you are aware of just how many low paying jobs are out there. Granted, I don't know where you live, but gas stations, fast food, restaurants, factories. Where I live, there are a million jobs available all the time (okay, I'm exaggerating, but still). You could also find places that offer training and get yourself a skill set that will make you more employee and for more than just low paying jobs.

Most services today require payment at the time of service now and if you are on Medicaid and get SSA benefits, I would think there are several options out there for you. I can tell you that docs and psychs and all them usually only take a certain number of Medicaid patients, but so what. There are a lot of psychs out there too.
My went from seeing a private pyschiatrist who doesn't take medicaid (I don't have medicaid, but still) to seeing a guy who takes mostly medicaid patients. The newer doc understands my son better and doesn't push shit I don't want my son on.

Anyway, personally, I think you should get a job. Maybe I missed something important in your first post, but it kind of sounds like you are taking advantage of the benefits you are getting if the only reason you won't work is because you don't think there are a lot of jobs out there. But then, I also don't know why you are getting benefits (no, I'm not asking). Taking the easy way out so you don't actually have to try to make life work.
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