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Co-dependent relationship with wife
#11
I don't have experience with being married or dating a person with a mental illness of that sort. What I do have experience with is being married to an alcoholic. I can relate to the Jekyll/Hyde analogy because that's what alcoholism is like. I dealt with a lot of the same things you are saying. I know the two things are different, so I'm not saying they are the same, just that I kind of understand what you are saying.

The most important thing you are forgetting here is that you have to take care of YOURSELF too. Yes, she has a mental illness and she may be working on it and getting better, but she's not there yet. By walking away when she gets upset helps save you from the abuse, but also shows her that she can't treat you like that and that you don't have to stick around and take it. When/if thinks start getting heated, simply excuse yourself, tell her you both need time to calm down and cool off and go for a walk, go to the grocery, go to a park, do something, just get yourself out of the situation. It will help both of you. You can go home later after she has calmed down.

And yes, you should work on your communication with her, but that's not entirely your fault. You need to talk more, yes, but she needs to listen more. It goes both ways.
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#12
I know that you just want to vent and I do feel bad for your situation. I don’t know what to say to you other than there’s a book that helped a good friend of mine a lot. It is called Boundaries by Henry Cloud at http://bit.ly/2dm0y10. Go to the website and read the summary, you might find it interesting. It is faith based but it has a lot of truths that make sense. They also have a website called New Life at https://newlife.com/. There is a radio program where you can call in your questions. Just check out the articles and you might pick up something.
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#13
(04-10-2020, 04:52 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: I don't have experience with being married or dating a person with a mental illness of that sort.  What I do have experience with is being married to an alcoholic.  I can relate to the Jekyll/Hyde analogy because that's what alcoholism is like.  I dealt with a lot of the same things you are saying.  I know the two things are different, so I'm not saying they are the same, just that I kind of understand what you are saying.  

The most important thing you are forgetting here is that you have to take care of YOURSELF too.  Yes, she has a mental illness and she may be working on it and getting better, but she's not there yet.  By walking away when she gets upset helps save you from the abuse, but also shows her that she can't treat you like that and that you don't have to stick around and take it.  When/if thinks start getting heated, simply excuse yourself, tell her you both need time to calm down and cool off and go for a walk, go to the grocery, go to a park, do something, just get yourself out of the situation.  It will help both of you.  You can go home later after she has calmed down.  

And yes, you should work on your communication with her, but that's not entirely your fault.  You need to talk more, yes, but she needs to listen more.  It goes both ways.


I'm sorry to hear that, my mother was a chronic alcoholic, and I think that has influenced a lot of my relationship with women (how could it not) and on the one hand I feel compelled to take care of vulnerable women, but on the other I have a very low tolerance for overly-emotional behaviour. Not a good mix in a husband. 

It is somewhat similar to alcoholism, when my wife is in Mr Hyde mode, she is so blinkered that it's impossible to get through to her. Placating is the only remedy, you need the patience of a saint. 

Something that is different this time, is not that my needs are subsumed to hers' - although they are, both my and her daily routine is almost entirely tailored around trying to keep her 'on the level' - what is different now is that I have come to realise that this is not sustainable.  

As for walking away, well, she won't let me when she's in full flow. Last time she had a temper tantrum I didn't let her either, although she was trying to, that's what caused the problem. 

She was 'triggered' at the time, and was trying to withdraw. I really should have let her, but I didn't. I'll explain for why. My wife holds very strong political opinions. She spends hours on youtube and twitter, and I can't bear that world of political bickering, either side of it, to me it is like finger-nails down a blackboard. 

I really don't think it's healthy (for anyone, not just wife), this whole attitude of either you're on my 'team' or you're an evil-doer who deserves cancer, and needs to be lectured on why. Twitter-lynch-mobs, lib-tards and fascists, all that judgemental bs. 

My wife and I have a sort of uneasy truce about this. She watches the videos etc, but doesn't try to force me to (most of the time). In return, I listen to her rant about it, and remain as neutral as possible. 

Wife acknowledges that she is easily influenced (true) and she even has referred to this youtube/twitter political world as her 'safe space', and I think that is entirely accurate, it is reassuring to her, ya know, to be told don't worry, YOU are one of the righteous few, fighting the good fight etc etc etc. My wife is not a bad person at all, I think this is all tied in to her emotional problems, she desperately craves reassurance and security, and youtube and such give it to her. 

So all that being said, that's why I didn't let her withdraw. Because I knew what would happen, what has happened in the past - she would put her headphones on, stay up all night watching youtube content and emerge 3 days later, ever more certain of her own unassailable righteousness on anything and everything because youtube told her so, with me cast as the enemy responsible for all evil. 

Truth is, I'm tired of it. Wife has the attitude that not only are my wants and needs irrelevant, but it's a flaming cheek of me to even imagine that they might be relevant. That has to change, and I can't get her to recognise that. A therapist told me that I need to explain this to her when she's Dr Jekyll (I don't, again I'm a terrible communicator), but there is little point, because as soon as I do tell her, she flips to Mr Hyde anyway and won't listen to a single word. 

So to me it feels like my options are either spend my entire life scrabbling trying to find food to feed the tiger, or stop and think about myself and what's good for me, and the tiger will maul me. 

(Now that I've written that, I've remembered that I did once have a bad dream that I was living with a tiger, because I had recently read a bizarre story about a guy who kept a tiger in his apartment in New York. When I told my wife about my dream, she said quite sadly, 'The tiger is me.' And I thought holy shirt, she's right.)
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