Advice on a 'friend' that I miss?

[Broody]

Okay so, I've been friends (on and off) with this girl for 2 years now as we were in high school together. Since then, I haven't seen her for the last 9 months and its really complicated. Sometimes it seems like she really cares about me and then sometimes she couldn't even be bothered.

I've pretty much always been the one to initiate conversation and its always been me who asks her to hang out. I've asked her if she has any issues with me and she said no, despite my falling out with her close friend.

Over the last 9 months, when she has agreed to meet up with me, she stands me up. She texts me just before we're supposed to meet up and most recently, I waited for her and called her half an hour after we were supposed to meet where she picked up and said she was sick. She offered to meet me the following week instead, but when that came too, she said she was still too sick to show up, despite her going to my friend's birthday party the day before.

However, last month was my birthday, and she texted me throughout the night of my party to see how I was going.. We'd had talked for about a month prior constantly, she said she was gonna try really hard to come to my party..

Around that time, she messaged me on Facebook at midnight, asking if I was awake and if she could have my phone number. Since I was asleep and didn't respond, she asked my friend a minute later (he showed me the message and asked if it was okay) if he would give it to her.. Apparently she wanted my number so we could chat and she was going to invite me over to her house soon.

I'm really confused and keep getting mixed signals and I know the friendship really is one-sided but I miss her a lot and not really sure what the problem is. On her 18th (last year), I designed her a birthday card with all her favourite TV show characters on there and made a 'Cheerful Playlist' cd for her.. I drew the art cover too..

However, since I haven't seen her for 9 months she hadn't got it. But then my friend who lives really close by to her, offered to stop by her house and drop it to her. I wrote her a letter due to this, saying I am happy where my life is at the moment but I do miss her, and I'd love to just have a catch up or just a chat (over text or skype) if she didn't want to meet up and what not.. So she received that a few days ago.. She hasn't contacted me since when we were supposed to meet up but she was too ill, and I don't want to keep bugging her and already asked her if she was mad at me but she said no.

Her friend I had a falling out with didn't approve of my friendship with her and caused a lot of trouble between us. This resulted in her ignoring me for a few months before I saw her one last time which was only cause we were doing the same writing course. She only showed up once to that though as she had family troubles and whatnot, and is known to have trouble replying to people, she does manage to see her group of friends a lot though.

Back in 2012, New Year's Eve, we really bonded and shared a lot with each other as well as when we first met.. I just felt really comfortable with her and she said it was easy talking to me as well.

Anyhow, that's just a sum up of our friendship.. Sorry for it being super long and I probably won't keep this up for long as its quite personal and I don't want to upset anyone. I'm just seeking some advice, thank you

 

[Regumika]

I'm sorry that your friend has made you feel like this.

This reminded me of a person that I spoke to. This person is the type that lives day to day as it comes, to the extreme. Doesn't think about yesterday, doesn't think about tomorrow. Whatever this person feels like doing that day, that's what will be done. There is rarely a plan for tomorrow. Even when tomorrow comes, plans can change based on the mood. People to them aren't all that "important" because whatever other people do is their choice. A very indifferent and carefree view on life with no attachments, but I think it's the result of something painful in the past.

I couldn't handle this, so I cut ties with this person. I can't handle the spontaneous and unpredictable lifestyle where I'm not even important in the least bit. I'm not sure if this is the type of life that your friend is living or not, but I thought that I'd throw that out there just in case.

In the end, it's up to you to decide if the few times that you two do talk is worth the pain in between. I do agree that it's a bunch of mixed signals. However, if she really does live life as I stated above, then this is bound to happen.

 

[Case]

I have always said that friendships should not be "work." They should be fun, stimulating, and more balanced than you are experiencing. It seems like your friend has not made the effort to be with you that you'd like. And when someone flakes on me by standing me up, that sends a signal to me that I should move on and be with people who are more consistently present in my life. Not saying you should give up on your friend, but isn't it tiring to always get that last minute "sick" call?

 

[Tiina63]

She sounds very unreliable. To be honest, I wouldn't place any expectations on the friendship ever getting any more like the sort of friendship you would like to have. You could look for new friends and just keep her in your life as a casual 'now and then' sort of friend.

 

[Broody]

Thanks for commenting everyone. I do think she lives like that, Regumika.. I never really thought about it like that before but it pretty much sums her up. It's hard for me, and I miss her a lot but I think it's best to just leave it alone.

It is very tiring, Case, espeically since I care about her a lot but I'm sick of being treated like that and I'm moving on with my life. It just sucks cause I did feel like I could talk to her about generally anything and that never happens with me.

That sounds like a good plan, Tiina63, I think I might do that.. Keep moving forward and see what happens.

 

[Regumika]

I hope the best would work out for you, to improve your emotional health.

What kind of video games do you play?

 

[Broody]

I deleted her off Facebook, as I kinda see it as the best way to move on. She still has my number and my tumblr if she wants to contact me.

Zombie games, Saints Row/GTA type games and Gears of War 3 is one of my favourites. Sims is good too. You?

 

[Regumika]

I think that's a good choice. Leave behind all expectations and let her take the initiative if she decides to.

I was playing a lot of MMORPG, now I'm mostly playing Hearthstone, Minecraft, Starcraft 2, and Diablo 3. I enjoy strategy,puzzle, and sandbox games. I dabble into FPS sometimes, but would really only play Co-op or versus. I'm not into single player FPS.

 

[Broody]

I don't think I'll hear from her again and that's probably for the best anyhow. It's easier to not see when she's online and what she's posting too, its just unfortunate that it had to go this way.

Oh yeah, I enjoyed playing Borderlands, Brink, Dead Island, Half Life and Left 4 Dead for FPS... But not much else

As for MMORPGs, I don't really play them.. Although I used to like Maple Story.

 

[Hearmenow2012]

I can relate to you a whole lot. There is a woman that I've been friends with since Primary School (at least 15 years), however she randomly started texting me again a couple of years ago and it seemed like we would meet up eventually, but she always cancelled at the last minute with several different 'excuses'. We have been in contact on and off for a good couple of years now, however she'll sometimes text me and then I wont hear back from her for months at a time. She has apologised for her behaviour on a couple of occasions, but it hasn't changed anything and I don't think that it ever will.

I'm sorry to hear that you have had to go through a similar situation. I hope that you find what you're looking for in the end.

 

[ardour]

I deleted her off Facebook, as I kinda see it as the best way to move on. She still has my number and my tumblr if she wants to contact me.

common, the real reason you did that is because you wanted her to notice that you deleted her. Otherwise that's pretty a ahole thing to do, I'm sure you have people on there you haven't seen for longer than 9 months.

 

[Regumika]

I deleted her off Facebook, as I kinda see it as the best way to move on. She still has my number and my tumblr if she wants to contact me.

common, the real reason you did that is because you wanted her to notice that you deleted her. Otherwise that's pretty a ahole thing to do, I'm sure you have people on there you haven't seen for longer than 9 months.

Not necessarily all accurate, this is pretty much like the 'friendzone' effect. If two people date, and doesn't work out, the two rarely speaks again. If two friends [actively tries] to be friends and it doesn't work out, then the two "shouldn't" speak again. However, if you want to keep the communication line open then you "friendzone" them, never get close.

So the reason people friendzone you is because they don't want to lose you.

 

[Broody]

I deleted her off Facebook, as I kinda see it as the best way to move on. She still has my number and my tumblr if she wants to contact me.

common, the real reason you did that is because you wanted her to notice that you deleted her. Otherwise that's pretty a ahole thing to do, I'm sure you have people on there you haven't seen for longer than 9 months.

Okay, that's really rude. I came to this site so people could give me advice and to relate to people, I don't need more people swearing at me. And actually no, you're wrong. I gradually reduced my friends list, and now its at 15 people as I no longer feel the need to have people I don't talk to or hang out with. I see no point in having over 200 friends who are just people from my school or what not, who are you to judge me?

As for the 'wanting her to notice', I'm passed that. This has been dragged out for a year. I'm done playing games. I was hurt by her and missed her but I am now moving on with my life. She's had over a year and if she doesn't wish to be my friend anymore, that's fine. I'm learning to deal with that, but if you're really missing someone, its easier to let go of them.. Do you really want their facebook statues and pictures all over your newsfeed, or to see when they are online if you're trying to let go and move on? But hey, maybe that's just me. I'm allowed to miss someone, and I'm allowed to put myself first. I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and if I'm unhappy with anything in my life, I have the right to change it.

She has a letter from me explaining how I didn't think it was very fair so its not exactly a surprise to her that this has happened. Not that you seem to care but I am happy with my life right now and I felt good when people read this and gave me some support, I think it kinda helped me move on. I've applied for the course I want to do, I've recently gotten a job and just got asked in for another interview at my dream place to work and have an amazing girlfriend. Although, I don't think you're really interested in the type of person I am or what I do with my life since you're already judging me. I'm also not the type to sit around and wait for someone to notice me. She wasn't a good friend to me, I became unhappy and was tired of being treated poorly so I am allowed to delete who I want off of my own profile. I don't really appreciate being called an a**hole either. I've had enough people put me down, this is my choice. If you can't respect that, then don't talk to me. Calling me that isn't helping anyone. Don't judge me before you've even heard what I've had to say.

 

[ardour]

Okay, that's really rude. I came to this site so people could give me advice and to relate to people, I don't need more people swearing at me. And actually no, you're wrong. I gradually reduced my friends list, and now its at 15 people as I no longer feel the need to have people I don't talk to or hang out with. I see no point in having over 200 friends who are just people from my school or what not, who are you to judge me?

As for the 'wanting her to notice', I'm passed that. This has been dragged out for a year. I'm done playing games. I was hurt by her and missed her but I am now moving on with my life. She's had over a year and if she doesn't wish to be my friend anymore, that's fine. I'm learning to deal with that, but if you're really missing someone, its easier to let go of them.. Do you really want their facebook statues and pictures all over your newsfeed, or to see when they are online if you're trying to let go and move on? But hey, maybe that's just me. I'm allowed to miss someone, and I'm allowed to put myself first. I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness and if I'm unhappy with anything in my life, I have the right to change it.

She has a letter from me explaining how I didn't think it was very fair so its not exactly a surprise to her that this has happened. Not that you seem to care but I am happy with my life right now and I felt good when people read this and gave me some support, I think it kinda helped me move on. I've applied for the course I want to do, I've recently gotten a job and just got asked in for another interview at my dream place to work and have an amazing girlfriend. Although, I don't think you're really interested in the type of person I am or what I do with my life since you're already judging me. I'm also not the type to sit around and wait for someone to notice me. She wasn't a good friend to me, I became unhappy and was tired of being treated poorly so I am allowed to delete who I want off of my own profile. I don't really appreciate being called an a**hole either. I've had enough people put me down, this is my choice. If you can't respect that, then don't talk to me. Calling me that isn't helping anyone. Don't judge me before you've even heard what I've had to say.

I didn't call you that, it was describing an action that would be interpreted by a lot of people as a two-fingered salute. But as you've cut it down to 15 people rather than just singling her out, then this isn't the case. My apologies.

 

[Human]

@ Broody
There are some people who always know what they want, but what they want constantly changes all the time. These same people tend to have a bit of troubles to understand the emotions of others. They are generally not bad people, but the compatibility between them and others aren't a match in every situation. I guess you are trying to burn bridges in order to protect yourself, which I believe is normal after some time. It's definitively not the same thing as seeking attention. You've probably put a lot more thoughts into that friendship then she did, but I think it's probably a good idea to realize that simply not everyone is like you there (I'm kinda like you and still tend to have troubles dealing with this). In short it appears to me you have an high sensitivity to well other people's emotions (something I call warm empathy). This generally occur in people who are quite abstract and able to intuitively perceive (rightfully or wrongly) harmony, while having a tendency to second-guess themselves. As far as I understand it, this is essentially biological factors, and not ones that are necessarily easy to live with. Good luck and don't feel bad for making the decisions that are for your own self.

As another user mentioned, there is a time factor there. It's actually an extremely rare human trait to be able to perceive time and make decisions based on it. You don't blame cats for not understanding these things, but it can be much harder to come to the realization that it's far from being every human who literally _can_ do this. We are often attracted (even in friendship) toward people who's outer self matches our inner self, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your own outer self matches their own inner self. This can be kinda complicated in the end. I guess it's something similar to being interested in another country, and going there to find people of that country who are instead interested in a third country, and not your own. It can't be helped and it doesn't make people good or evil per say.

I'm fairly certain you are not as judgemental of her as you make it appear in your last post inside of you. You probably had a hard time to burn that bridge and stopping second guessing yourself and aren't interested in having someone starting to make you second guess yourself further - and I believe you are right there. So I guess the only advice I wish to say is to view this through a lack of compatibility rather then through a lack of morality, which you may already do anyway.

Sorry if this was offensive to you in any ways, that definitively isn't my intention.

 

[Broody]

I didn't call you that, it was describing an action that would be interpreted by a lot of people as a two-fingered salute. But as you've cut it down to 15 people rather than just singling her out, then this isn't the case. My apologies.

Oh okay, my bad for misinterpreting then too Yes, I feel much more comfortable with 15 now and would explain to someone why I was ending the friendship/interaction before just, poof! Getting rid of them :club:

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@ Broody
There are some people who always know what they want, but what they want constantly changes all the time. These same people tend to have a bit of troubles to understand the emotions of others. They are generally not bad people, but the compatibility between them and others aren't a match in every situation. I guess you are trying to burn bridges in order to protect yourself, which I believe is normal after some time. It's definitively not the same thing as seeking attention. You've probably put a lot more thoughts into that friendship then she did, but I think it's probably a good idea to realize that simply not everyone is like you there (I'm kinda like you and still tend to have troubles dealing with this). In short it appears to me you have an high sensitivity to well other people's emotions (something I call warm empathy). This generally occur in people who are quite abstract and able to intuitively perceive (rightfully or wrongly) harmony, while having a tendency to second-guess themselves. As far as I understand it, this is essentially biological factors, and not ones that are necessarily easy to live with. Good luck and don't feel bad for making the decisions that are for your own self.

As another user mentioned, there is a time factor there. It's actually an extremely rare human trait to be able to perceive time and make decisions based on it. You don't blame cats for not understanding these things, but it can be much harder to come to the realization that it's far from being every human who literally _can_ do this. We are often attracted (even in friendship) toward people who's outer self matches our inner self, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your own outer self matches their own inner self. This can be kinda complicated in the end. I guess it's something similar to being interested in another country, and going there to find people of that country who are instead interested in a third country, and not your own. It can't be helped and it doesn't make people good or evil per say.

I'm fairly certain you are not as judgemental of her as you make it appear in your last post inside of you. You probably had a hard time to burn that bridge and stopping second guessing yourself and aren't interested in having someone starting to make you second guess yourself further - and I believe you are right there. So I guess the only advice I wish to say is to view this through a lack of compatibility rather then through a lack of morality, which you may already do anyway.

Sorry if this was offensive to you in any ways, that definitively isn't my intention.

You make very good points and I completely agree. It finally became clear to me I put more effort into the friendship but I have no grudges against her, it’s just the way it is sometimes. Exactly, some people are more emotionally intelligent and others not so much, I've been realizing this for many months now with help from sessions with my psychologist. Thank you very much; I think I’m doing alright for myself… I mean, it sucks not finding people who are similar to me like you said, so my past friendships have clashed a lot and not turned out so well but I’m remaining optimistic for the future.
Exactly, we've tried to mend our friendship, however, lots of factors are involved and unfortunately we just didn't work out and that’s okay. There were good things and lots of bad things about my friendship with her but it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault for how it turned out. I want her to happy and wish her all the best.

No, I wasn't meaning to be judgmental. I misunderstood what he was implying so I got a bit defensive and like I mentioned before, I just haven’t had the best experiences with friends in the past. It was very hard, and it was dragged out a lot longer than it should have been… You know, the more it carried on, the unhappier I became, so I just have a lot of feelings around it.

I didn't find it offensive at all, actually quite informative and helpful. Thanks very much.

 

[Human]

Definitively glad I could be of help then ^^
Logic and all of that doesn't remove the pain, and especially not the desire to find kinship in this world. We all need a bit of luck there, hope you find your own. Somewhat too out of it right now to say anything better, but feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this more.

 

[Broody]

Definitively glad I could be of help then ^^
Logic and all of that doesn't remove the pain, and especially not the desire to find kinship in this world. We all need a bit of luck there, hope you find your own. Somewhat too out of it right now to say anything better, but feel free to PM me if you want to talk about this more.

No it certainly doesn't.. But it does help to understand. Thanks very much and good luck to you as well

 

[Naleena]

hello
This may sound unusual, but here goes.
People come in and out of our lives. Think of it like ocean waves and you are there in the middle. You can't control the wave, but you can enjoy it. Enjoy your friend and what she offers as long as the friendship is one of mutual respect.
What I can see for you is to perhaps go out and make more friends. Try not to worry about her and continue to be happy and live your own life. Making other friends or doing things with your existing friends can help. Letting go (f the situation not the friendship) can open your life up for more love and friendships if you move forward. Who knows? Maybe she will end up missing you?

Hope this helps a little. <3