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Guest
Guest
I work at home, I don't have a car, my family has moved away, I've lost touch with the few friends that I did have, sometimes I go for days without leaving the house at all and if I do go out it's just to walk to the grocery store and back.
I'm completely, utterly alone.
Most days I can put it out of my mind and busy myself with work but other days bad thoughts creep in - like if I died no one would come to my funeral. There wouldn't even be a funeral...I feel like crying but I don't dare because I will never stop.
I try to think of things to do like volunteering but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I wish I could but I'm afraid or something.
I tried online dating. The last date I went on was years ago and the guy asked me (5 minutes after we met for the first time) if we were going to have sex or not because if not he wanted to go back home where he had several girls waiting for him if I wasn't interested.
I told him that I was feeling pressured and uncomfortable. He said that was because I was on a power trip. Then he told me that if we did have sex and I got pregnant that he would push me down the stairs.
I felt even more alone after that and gave up trying to meet anyone for a long time.
I'm trying again now and I met someone online last week and he said that we should meet for drinks and if I wasn't fat or diseased we could have sex but that I shouldn't expect anything afterwards. So I told him "no thanks because I want to feel special". He said that I was living in a fantasy world and to write him back if I change my mind.
I'm not writing him back. Oh well at least it was someone to talk to for a little while even if it made me sad.
Sometimes I think people get sick just because they are so lonely. They would rather be sick in the hospital with people paying attention to them than home all alone. Or maybe the loneliness causes the sickness because it's so painful. I hope that doesn't happen to me.
I'm completely, utterly alone.
Most days I can put it out of my mind and busy myself with work but other days bad thoughts creep in - like if I died no one would come to my funeral. There wouldn't even be a funeral...I feel like crying but I don't dare because I will never stop.
I try to think of things to do like volunteering but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I wish I could but I'm afraid or something.
I tried online dating. The last date I went on was years ago and the guy asked me (5 minutes after we met for the first time) if we were going to have sex or not because if not he wanted to go back home where he had several girls waiting for him if I wasn't interested.
I told him that I was feeling pressured and uncomfortable. He said that was because I was on a power trip. Then he told me that if we did have sex and I got pregnant that he would push me down the stairs.
I felt even more alone after that and gave up trying to meet anyone for a long time.
I'm trying again now and I met someone online last week and he said that we should meet for drinks and if I wasn't fat or diseased we could have sex but that I shouldn't expect anything afterwards. So I told him "no thanks because I want to feel special". He said that I was living in a fantasy world and to write him back if I change my mind.
I'm not writing him back. Oh well at least it was someone to talk to for a little while even if it made me sad.
Sometimes I think people get sick just because they are so lonely. They would rather be sick in the hospital with people paying attention to them than home all alone. Or maybe the loneliness causes the sickness because it's so painful. I hope that doesn't happen to me.