Another newbie

[Tuathaniel]

Hey people, 

A quick hello from someone who usually feels lonely because of depression and its effects on my life. I've been struggling with chronic depression for several years now, and as much as I try to "get over it," it just keeps on raping my brain on a daily basis. 

The **** thing has cost me a bunch of friends, I guess partly because they get tired of my uselessness, and partly because it makes me withdraw rather frequently due to insecurities. I'm pretty sure more or less everyone I know, who used to be friends, now hate me. Nobody ever bothers to get in touch, at least, and after over a decade of actually having a social circle, I'm once again the one who doesn't get invited to parties or other exclusive events. Hence, I usually spend my days and evenings alone. 

My one bright light is caring and loving boyfriend, but it's currently a long distance relationship where we get to see each other for a weekend once or twice a month. He's great support, but sometimes not the best listener, with a short attention span, which my depression loves to interpret as "I'm not really that important to him." Because I just suck that much, and I have no idea why he'd ever want to be with me. 

When I'm not obsessing over how useless and unwanted I am, I try to work part time as a nurse (a job I hate) while I also just started on a bachelor's degree in informatics. So far I'm failing hard (**** you, Java!), because I'm probably the dumbest person on earth, so I've got that going for me as well. 

I basically have no faith in myself nor my skills, hate myself profoundly, have no self worth, kinda despise my (previous) friends for ditching me, and occasionally I do consider suicide. Just your average ball of mess. 

Thanks for reading, and take care. 
T.

 

[Meaw]

Hi Tuathaniel! You're not alone in most things you wrote, just by looking at me XD This place seems friendly, and hopefully you'll see your self-worth eventually! Don't be afraid to jump into discussions ^_^ As a side note, I really like your name

 

[Celt]

Hi Tuathaniel that's a nice name. I just had a warm welcome here and you deserve the same. Hope to see you around in some of the discussions maybe.

I'm quite sure "uselessness" is only imagined. Hope I'm not treading on egg shells there?

 

[Tuathaniel]

Thank you both.

I've gotten the impression there's a lot of friendly people here, so I decided to give it a go after lurking for a while. And my uselessness probably is imagined - that's one of the things my depression is exceptionally good at: all those negative feelings that make me doubt myself and despise myself. But, you know, when something feels real enough, it becomes real to the person feeling it.

 

[Celt]

Yes I do know the more you think about something the bigger it gets. Quite often totally out of proportion. Then something happens and its 'what was I worrying about?'

 

[Bubblebeam]

You could not be dumber than me Tuathaniel! In any case, you surely do not make friends based on a persons' usefulness. Friends are just... there. And sometimes even the best friend may fail at that; I'm certainly guilty of it. I suppose you'll just know if their heart is there for you with the best intentions.

I'd like to say more, but I'd be a complete hypocrite. I did just want to say that you are no less deserving of companionship than any other. 

 

[Meaw]

Everyone deserves it, and nobody is more useless than anyone else. There are so many humans on Earth that we're all a bit useless. Thing is, it's okay. And one can be just one of many while still being someone fantastic. You rock ^_^

 

[MisterLonely]

Welcome to ALL Tuathaniel,

I have suffered from depresion aswell, although I was never diagnosed I can't describe it any other way, Java is hard, I prefer C# ofcourse a good IDE is a must, C# has Visual Studio, Java has a million of them, think eclipse still is the most populair but idk for sure.

If it's the IDE your having trouble with, maybe you should try another one, if it's syntax just google it, if it's actually coding then you just need more practice, i've found that codewars (https://www.codewars.com/) can be a helpfull tool for beginners to intermediates (don't know your level), and actually can make it fun to learn!

Welcome once more and see you around!

 

[Tuathaniel]

Thank you, everyone!

And thanks for the code tips, MisterLonely. I'm checking out the codewars right now. It's a cool concept. (My level is struggling beginner, btw.)

 

[lonelyfairy]

Hiya, welcome!

 

[Tuathaniel]

Thank you, Lonelyfairy!