I haven't been attending uni for the last couple of months because I've been depressed and really scared of going in. It's bad seeing as how this is the 3rd and final year of the course. What really scares me is being in the studios, surrounded by all those people. And when I go in again some of them will want to talk to me and they'll ask where I've been. That scares the honeysuckle out of me. I don't want to drop out and I don't want to take a leave of absence. Spending another year in higher education seems like it would be absolute failure. How would I ever be able to face my father? Also, what am I even doing in this country? I really want to go home.
I keep putting off going back into uni. I'm just too afraid of seeing all those people. It's a fine art course so there's no classes, only studio practice. Spending day after day in that big open room, trying to work, being surrounded by people, and they're all talking talking talking - some of them want to talk to me. Sometimes I want to talk to them. I don't understand any of it - it's torture.
And I'm still single but I don't want to be, where does that fit in? I've tried so **** hard over the past few years to improve myself and get a girlfriend and it just hasn't worked at all. The closest I've gotten so far has been this 28-year old Korean girl who broke it off with me after a week because I'm too young for her (I'm 22). Despite all of the signs to the contrary. I never even got to kiss her. It seems like every time I've acted on the signs girls have given me, or just went for it regardless, I've gotten smacked down hard.
I keep thinking that I should've become a doctor like my father wanted me to. I would've been a mediocre doctor. The fact is that during my A-levels I didn't apply myself because I was depressed a lot, I couldn't be bothered, I was having issues with the fact that I'm male and I was miserable about it. I didn't get the grades. Even now I could do a foundation course, one of those one-year jobbies that prepares you for med school. But if I did that I'd be almost 30 by the time I got out and drowning in debt. At least then I'd be mediocre, not an abject failure.
I haven't really talked to anyone about any of this and it's just been building up. The most immediate problem is the social anxiety. I just don't know how to deal with it. Anyways I'm going crazy so I'm posting this in the hopes that hopefully I can claw my way out and become a functional human being again.
I keep putting off going back into uni. I'm just too afraid of seeing all those people. It's a fine art course so there's no classes, only studio practice. Spending day after day in that big open room, trying to work, being surrounded by people, and they're all talking talking talking - some of them want to talk to me. Sometimes I want to talk to them. I don't understand any of it - it's torture.
And I'm still single but I don't want to be, where does that fit in? I've tried so **** hard over the past few years to improve myself and get a girlfriend and it just hasn't worked at all. The closest I've gotten so far has been this 28-year old Korean girl who broke it off with me after a week because I'm too young for her (I'm 22). Despite all of the signs to the contrary. I never even got to kiss her. It seems like every time I've acted on the signs girls have given me, or just went for it regardless, I've gotten smacked down hard.
I keep thinking that I should've become a doctor like my father wanted me to. I would've been a mediocre doctor. The fact is that during my A-levels I didn't apply myself because I was depressed a lot, I couldn't be bothered, I was having issues with the fact that I'm male and I was miserable about it. I didn't get the grades. Even now I could do a foundation course, one of those one-year jobbies that prepares you for med school. But if I did that I'd be almost 30 by the time I got out and drowning in debt. At least then I'd be mediocre, not an abject failure.
I haven't really talked to anyone about any of this and it's just been building up. The most immediate problem is the social anxiety. I just don't know how to deal with it. Anyways I'm going crazy so I'm posting this in the hopes that hopefully I can claw my way out and become a functional human being again.