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LonelyJay

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Joined
Aug 31, 2022
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California
Hello, I'm 47 and married with two disabled children. This will likely be all over the place but I don't get many opportunities to talk to others.

I don't have any friends and provide 24 hour care for my disabled son. My wife and I have been married for over a decade but we have been trudging along in a loveless marriage for so long I don't remember a time we were normal with each other. Having a severely disabled child and a second, less severely impacted, child has certainly taken its toll, but years of mental and verbal abuse on her end wasn't much help either.

She recently got diagnosed with mental illnesses which have only made things more difficult. It has relaxed much of the abuse but her emotions can be quite erratic with the new medications. She has friends and maybe more (I don't ask questions) and goes out quite often getting a reprieve from our daily lives.

I do not work outside the home and have tried to go out for me time, but usually get a lot of grief about it so it tends to be very infrequent.

Some may ask, "why have you not divorced?" Many nights I lay awake asking myself the same thing because I miss companionship and being able to talk to someone, but the needs of my children have kept me where I am at. I have even thought about trying an affair, but a married guy with two disabled kids at 47 is not exactly a hot selling point. Plus, there are moral consternation I have with it, even if my marriage has been one for years. What do others do to combat the loneliness? Are there ways to replace the missing affection and love?

I am extremely apprehensive to send this out into the world as I am a fighter and never like to feel vulnerable, let alone reveal it. I just cant stand the constant ache of loneliness and hope to at least hear from others on ways to feel less lonely. Hell, even knowing I am not alone in my daily battle will be something, since right now, I feel like no one else could possibly be experiencing a similar situation.
 
First welcome to the forum!

Second, Wow! You are a stronger person then I am. First thing I would say is pat yourself on the back. Talk about dedication. I don't have any answers for you. But, IMO, you really need to get out for some you time. You've definitely earned it.

I took care of my mom, dad, and his parents. My life was on hold for many years. But, there was an end in sight. I was completely stressed out. But, it did end and the stress fell away. IMO, you need real help before you become permanently damaged and someone will need to take care of you.

As far as solutions for being lonely, most are about occupying your time, exercising, or volunteering. But, I assume most of our time is already occupied. Is there any way to get help at least a couple hours a day or maybe a few times a week? Then maybe you can join some kind of group?
 
You've got a tough arrangement going for yourself, LonelyJay. I hope this site can be a place that fulfills some of your needs.
We have our ups and downs but none of us will have to be alone as long as ALL is here.
Regardless, it felt good to say things out loud (even if it only was on an internet forum). I am still hopeful that eventually my life will be less lonely.
 
First welcome to the forum!

Second, Wow! You are a stronger person then I am. First thing I would say is pat yourself on the back. Talk about dedication. I don't have any answers for you. But, IMO, you really need to get out for some you time. You've definitely earned it.

I took care of my mom, dad, and his parents. My life was on hold for many years. But, there was an end in sight. I was completely stressed out. But, it did end and the stress fell away. IMO, you need real help before you become permanently damaged and someone will need to take care of you.

As far as solutions for being lonely, most are about occupying your time, exercising, or volunteering. But, I assume most of our time is already occupied. Is there any way to get help at least a couple hours a day or maybe a few times a week? Then maybe you can join some kind of group?
Thank you but no pats on the back for me. I am doing what I feel anyone would do in my situation. My kids mean everything to me and having to sacrafice for them is perfectly okay. It just gets overwhelming at times when I slow down and think about the loneliness of it all.

I have tried respite but it has never worked. Also, I am not trusting of others in care of my son after some past events where he was potentially abused at school. I have free time in the evening after the kids are in bed, but it is just alone time. I typically stay home while my wife goes out.
 
Hey….. you don’t need to stay in an unhappy marriage. There may be a way you can support your children (with some help) and get some time to yourself too. Looking into it wouldn’t do any harm, you deserve a life too and if you were happy you might find it easier to look after your children too.
Stay strong and imagine ways for life to be better
 
Hi Lonely Jay 🍀 thanks for the introduction. I hate making myself "vulnerable" so I do understand how difficult it can be writing it out. Those two boys are blessed to have you as a father, you sound like a good guy. What help me is finding something for some me-time. It has to be something totally disconnected from your work/family life. I started by taking two evenings a week and go to a gym 🏋️‍♀️or out for a jog or visit a Library📖 As someone once told me, be your best friend. What would your best friend suggest? I had hit a point where I felt in a trap, and the only person to get me out of the trap was me. Getting out from four walls brought me back in control. How does it help from being lonely... well, one time out on a jog 🏃‍♀️, a guy gave me the thumbs up! Boom 💥 connection with another ... I am not invisible. Simple little thing but all that I really needed. 😊
 
Hi jay. I am new here as well. I just noticed we joined the forum - at relatively the same time, give or take a few weeks and we also share a birthday.

Happy upcoming birthday to you..to us..
🤗😺
 
Hello, I'm 47 and married with two disabled children. This will likely be all over the place but I don't get many opportunities to talk to others.

I don't have any friends and provide 24 hour care for my disabled son. My wife and I have been married for over a decade but we have been trudging along in a loveless marriage for so long I don't remember a time we were normal with each other. Having a severely disabled child and a second, less severely impacted, child has certainly taken its toll, but years of mental and verbal abuse on her end wasn't much help either.

She recently got diagnosed with mental illnesses which have only made things more difficult. It has relaxed much of the abuse but her emotions can be quite erratic with the new medications. She has friends and maybe more (I don't ask questions) and goes out quite often getting a reprieve from our daily lives.

I do not work outside the home and have tried to go out for me time, but usually get a lot of grief about it so it tends to be very infrequent.

Some may ask, "why have you not divorced?" Many nights I lay awake asking myself the same thing because I miss companionship and being able to talk to someone, but the needs of my children have kept me where I am at. I have even thought about trying an affair, but a married guy with two disabled kids at 47 is not exactly a hot selling point. Plus, there are moral consternation I have with it, even if my marriage has been one for years. What do others do to combat the loneliness? Are there ways to replace the missing affection and love?

I am extremely apprehensive to send this out into the world as I am a fighter and never like to feel vulnerable, let alone reveal it. I just cant stand the constant ache of loneliness and hope to at least hear from others on ways to feel less lonely. Hell, even knowing I am not alone in my daily battle will be something, since right now, I feel like no one else could possibly be experiencing a similar situation.
Hi one of my children was moderate to mild disabled and the other died of cancer after 4 yr fight. My ex and I divorced after our childs death and we're separated right before their diagnosis. Cancer caused behaviors the other had ADHD, language problems mixed cognition etc. My ex was abusive but most of it was subtle that could be twisted some due to memoryloss he liked to cause.


Children with disabilities or whom die of cancers have higher abuse and divorce rates. My ex to avoid being alone suddenly got religious and started dating many at the same time enough for the pallative care to ask me trying to be supportive of those near my child. He was engaged to 2 different women at that time and dating more. I tried to stay away from it and told them to ask him as I didn't know. Within a few months of his marriage he had a gun incident and police took him to hospital and his wife went for divorce. She apologized to me. For what I'm not sure but I suspect problems with my living child whose disabled. He avoids talking and his Facebook account got hacked I reacted but might of to my real son vs hacker. This would upset him and make him talk less.
 
Hey Jay - that is such a difficult situation. A friend has a son with autism and that has taken a toll on her, too.

An idea that just occurred to me is to buy a bike. It might seem a bit of a strange idea, but I know moving along on a bike with some fresh air and new scenery can be a lift. It gives you a sense of freedom, can keep you fit, and also get out of the house a little. You can just ride the neighborhood until you feel like doing more, such as biking to the library or something. Gradually start taking new routes, seeing what's new, checking out a new shop, etc. Getting out and about can do a lot of good. If biking is too difficult, why not just ride the bus and enjoy seeing new people, checking out a new neighborhood, etc. Something to get out of the house I think would really give you a boost.
 

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