Breaking cycles

[septicemia]

Ok so I have something that has been on my mind for a while now, and is causing me a good bit of trouble. Maybe you all can help me sort through some thoughts and be my sounding board.

I have some pretty severe intimacy issues. Basically from the start I have always had sex with men who are unavailable to me. Most of the sex I have had has been one night stands, and mostly with complete strangers. The men who werent strangers have all been emotionally unavailable to me, many have been already attached men, or just taboo for various reasons. I have always been very detached emotionally and often physically during sex, I enjoy it for what it is, but I have never gotten any real pleasure from it. Its why I was able to be an escort so easily, and getting paid actually made me feel like I was getting something in return for my efforts I put out during sex.

After many years of having absolutely no sexual contact with men, I now have 2 wonderful men that I am spending a little time with. One falls right back into my regular ways. Hes an extremely sexy, successful, smart, kind, muscular, artistic, naturally dominant, wonderful man, and of course is married. I think about him and the few times we have fooled around so much, he really turns me on and I cant imagine anyone but him touching me right now. The other man is single, not bad looking, he is also very smart, kind, and wonderful, he is not as successful or in as good of shape, nor is he naturally dominant like the first man is. I am sure that there are plenty of women who would think they are fairly equal in looks and what not when put side by side, but I am just so crazy for this married man.

When I think about letting the single man touch me, I get that same cold feeling I normally get, the same feeling when I would get with a john or 90% of the men I was with for free before I became an escort. The times I have kissed the married man, my heart was racing, my stomach was doing flip flops, and it he really turned me on. I get really turned on thinking about it, and it almost drives me crazy thinking about going further with him. I have also told him a little about my past (only that I was an escort, I still have a few other things to tell him before we go any further with this affair) and he is very accepting, and reassuring. He makes me feel good, and safe and almost like I am Ok. Why cant I feel this way with an available man? I would love to be in a normal, loving relationship, and I know I wont ever fully have that with a married man, but to be with the single man would be to betray my body again, forcing myself to go through the motions again, with another man that doesnt turn me on in the least bit. Blah.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Well. Maybe I can say something about my own experiences.

For me, for some reason, if a person is totally available for me, i become bored and wander off, but if i like someone thath is ambivalent about me, it makes me like them all the more. I'm not sure why this is, but it seems to be the case. Maybe thi sis imilar to your predicament?

As I said, i can't quite pinpoint why this is. Maybe it's just the personality of the single man you dislike? You did say he was less succesful and less dominant (which I sort of equated with you saying that you liked the married man's traits more).

Maybe it's the traits?

I don't know.Maybe it's the whole concept of wanting something, and having to work to get it, and then valuing it more because of that.

 

[septicemia]

Hi Sophia, thank you for your reply! You are probably right on both accounts of why.

 

[Limlim]

Well keep in mind the choice isn't always one or the other. Just because you may decide to break the rut with the married man and leave him, doesn't necessarily mean you have to go with the other guy.

Keep looking for someone who meets the best of both worlds?

 

[septicemia]

You are absolutely right! I just feel like this single man is someone I should be attracted too, I mean, hes just my type really, and really he does fit all of my criteria, and I do enjoy his company. It makes me feel really discouraged, because I have been doing some self help work, and I feel like this is a huge step in the wrong direction.

 

[MechanicalMishka]

Oh... hmm, well, um would you feel offended if I told you that you're .. ahem .. an *escort* in your nature? That's not necessarily a 100% bad thing, of course, it's neither black nor white, it's a shade of grey like everything else.

I'd like to explain, while trying to be brief.

I think, in my humblest of opinions, that the unavailability of the man greatly influences the level of turn-on effect he has on you. His other merits just favourably outline and complement this particular attractive trait of his, nothing more. And maybe conveniently justify your sexual arousal in addition to that.

You see, my point of view is... that the sooner a person had sex experience, the more partners she swapped during the course of her sexual life, the more thrilling/awkward and adventurous/bland her fucks were - the harder it is to combine psychological mental pleasure with simple orgasm(s)-achievement oriented process for her later. People tend to deviate from the traditional in such cases. As a rule, if sexual partners are both willing to shamelessly fresia like the end of the world is upon them, they are going to experience overwhelmingly powerful sex event, the 'we're whole' magical feeling or whatever, thanks to overpowering amounts of endorphins and adrenaline I think, even if they're just doing missionary 10 mins 'I'm late for work' morning session. There are few expressions that are equally precise in their meaning as the phrase 'I want him/her'. Fucks with someone you actually want(which for some is close to mean love) are gotta be a lot more passionate and mentally rewarding than doing it for cash to buy living/luxurious honeysuckle later, no? That's where intensely arousing desires come from.

Your deviation is unavailability of a man, that's extremely thrilling to you. Your soul craves love, your body wants pleasure. You have to accept that for you, these are inseparable. And still not wanting to ruin a marriage is admirable in your case. If you go for married man and 'successfully' enthral him the thrill would slip away eventually leaving only shattered lives behind. You'd want someone else then, someone who's even more unreachable. Like a foreign married man this time, your president/monarch, an imaginary friend or even a fictional character(trust me, can happen). Who's next, historical figure, Jesus Christ?

How many men you had, with their petty diverse fetishes while being emotionally detached? What's the range of all the locations you had sex in? At what age did you have it for the first time, did you even realise what happened, how shallow it was, how tense, weird and guilty you felt? Those are rhetorical, no need for an answer, it's just for you to aknowledge what made you the way you are. Lack of intrigue and adventure caused by probably early, disturbing and excessive sexual activities.

Now, what I suggest as your course of action is staying adrift, patiently waiting, not denying your body too much. Your priorities may shift as you get older, maybe primal maternal instincts would kick in forcing you to form a loving bond with a stable family-capable individual or some dominant alfa male would prove to be skilled enough to control you indefinitely, to constantly keep you on your toes providing you with thrill and sense of fulfilment, but that's close to impossible to achieve I'm afraid and can lead to severely toxic drama to be completely honest with you.

Forget that single dude, you will never love him and you know it, you don't really want to fresia him too, why torture both of you?

------
To finish this off, all of the above is speculation, theorycraft, intuition and a product of an unstable bullshit-spewing mind. Ignore please, if I'm in any way wrong or offensive. It was just my honest input on the matter if you wanted it, your post revoked a few associations and memories, that's why I'm posting. Not to poke at you or troll, keep in mind that I have zero impact on your life, you are free to do and believe anything if you're able, but it's not an enviable spot you're in that's for sure.

 

[septicemia]

MechanicalMishka thank you so much for your time that it took to write that up. I have read some of your past threads, I have much respect for you. You have given me much to think about here. I cant even begin to respond with any intelligence at this moment (I am intoxicated and its 2 am lol).

 

[IgnoredOne]

Mishka is a brilliant writer and a thoughtful man/paranoid bear construct indeed. I agree with almost everything he had to say.

 

[MechanicalMishka]

MechanicalMishka thank you so much for your time that it took to write that up. I have read some of your past threads, I have much respect for you. You have given me much to think about here. I cant even begin to respond with any intelligence at this moment (I am intoxicated and its 2 am lol).

No problem, I'd like to think I deserve respect and that you were not offended, thank you. I hope you're not altering your conscious with chemistry. Herb can be good, chems is a disastrous bumpy road to grave, asylum or prison in most cases, be careful.

Mishka is a brilliant writer and a thoughtful man/paranoid bear construct indeed. I agree with almost everything he had to say.

Thank you IO, I was called many good and bad words, but never 'brilliant' and 'thoughtful'. Seeing this from you (especially the 'writer' part) multiplies the initial great value of praise by let's say 2, I dislike odd numbers.

 

[AJR]

Nothing against you personally but I find it sad that you become attached to unavailable men when there are thousands of available, trustworthy, and worthwhile men. Its possible Im just lashing out and Im sorry if you think Im being too rude. I hope you find someone out there that makes your feel the way you want. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else, just remember when you mess around with unavailable guys you are effectively smacking their partner in the face as badly as the jerk that cheated on them.

 

[Sprint]

I've found that at times it's worth the thought to consider the fact that perhaps we don't belong in a relationship at all while we are still heavily working on ourselves

It tends to merely be a distraction from our work in progress.

 

[septicemia]

MM yes, the good herb only I used to be a coke head a decade ago, but kicked that on my own after a couple year run. I have WAY too many responsibilities now for that lol.

A lot of what you said makes a ton of sense to me. When I was 15 (before I had officially lost my virginity even) a schizophrenic friend of mine who would on occasion get a vibe to give someone a tarot reading, gave me a tarot reading. I wish I could remember how he worded it, but he basically said that I would be desired by men, but that I will be off limits/good relationships will be just out of reach... something along those lines. My point is that I have been told something similar to what you said before lol.

I have been doing some self help stuff in the last year or so, and I know you are spot on when you said "the more thrilling/awkward and adventurous/bland her fucks were - the harder it is to combine psychological mental pleasure with simple orgasm(s)-achievement oriented process for her later. People tend to deviate from the traditional in such cases." I now know that the reason why sex was never really enjoyable for me because I never had any mental attachment to the men I was with, and the ones I did like, it wasnt actually safe for me to exercise that like, to the point that I would have to numb myself emotionally to them, which of course numb my body to the experience as well. I have learned/accepted that without love, my body will not know pleasure.

In my self help work I learned that a good exercise to do is to imagine what a normal relationship would be like, what having sex with someone who I love (and most importantly someone who loves me back) would be like. I try, but mostly I find it upsetting for me because it seems SO far from anything that could be a reality for me (for various insecurity and self doubting reasons). Other times I actually just cant come up with anything and get bored and discouraged. Not to mention the comfort of falling back into old behaviors. The married man asked me what I wanted in life right now, and instead of telling the truth, that I have been doing a lot of self help and wanting to develop new ways but dont know how but am ready to start trying, and blah blah blah, I told him that I didnt know, and then went right back to my old behavior.

Its also about when moral (and physical) boundaries are crossed when they shouldnt be, once they are broken down they are gone its easy to keep crossing them, and each time it gets easier and easier, until its not anymore. When it comes to married men, I have always felt a comfort in knowing that it WONT get serious, that comfort in knowing where everyone stands. The thrill is also of course a big part of it. The rush I got when I would have a "date" with a john would start days before hand, and last for at least days after, maybe longer, thats a week or more of a high just from one hour of sexual activities.

Anyway, I will probably write more to you in private message to pick your brain more. I dont want to blather on and bore anyone who happens to read this. Thank you again for your time on this.

AJR and Sprint I completely agree with both of you. I could type out a ton of excuses and ways of how I justify it, but I know they really are just lame excuses for my bad decisions.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

That's becuase you havnt been touched by me
You seriously wouldnt bore me....you might even laugh at some of the honeysuckle I do.
The thrill and excitment of doing something taboo. The rictual and not the act itself is also a rush.
At the sametime...the act itself is totally out of this world or what well behaved or tamed robots wouldnt do.lmao
Living life on the edge and rebellious. At the sametime seeing the flaws in the system of how a normal
person ought or should act like or live like...is boring as fresia.lol
It run in my vains and ones I love. Some people dont like some of pics I posted of my family.lol
Or some of the sexy photo of Renae and I.
I understand you lots.
I'm not naieve nor am i judgemental for many reasons.
I've also been in recovery for a lone time...sex, drugs and rock n roll

I also know Anne Bissell (its not even her real name)
Try googling her. Shes one of the most loving kind person Ive met.

Recovery is posiable...yes, lots of stuff to work through.
But i didnt go into recovery to be a NUNE.lmao
none of this, none of that...some people take it to the other extreem;

As weird as it might sound...but you out of all people would understand me.
I would be attractive to you....but I would never pay to have sex with you.
becuase I'm not like the other men or a john
I would try to get you to fall in love with me...that's the thrill and exictment for me.
It's like in reverse....You're tabooo, bad girl, or forbidden love.
Better yet...the more you say you cant be loved...the more I would love you.
It's that of me that wants to prove you wrong the rebellious part of me..
At the sametime it's also that part of me that's very loving, understanding, forgiving, compassionate, and non judgmental.
I wouldnt try to change or fix you...I turned you into a stalker. hahahhahaaa
As you're stalking me....you'll ask yourself WTF??????......r u in love or what?
You would feel its totally wrong..yet it would excite you at the sametime.lol


I can make you scream...
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Not that hard to figure you out.
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