Can this resolution even work?

[armor4sleepPA]

I decided to make a resolution this new years eve. Now, mind you, I'm not one for making meaningless resolutions such as cutting back on carbs, spending less money on music, or other whimsical notions that I know will never last. Instead, I try to think of something truly worthy of my energy and focus. This year, here it is:

I'm resolving to accept emotional loneliness, along with abanonding the idea of ever finding a fulfilling relationship

I know this sounds like something said after too much alcohol or a recent breakup (or both!), but trust me when I say I've given this a lot of consideration. See, I'm in a situation where I can't leave the person I'm with, who also treats me like crap and neglects my emotional needs. We've been together nearly six years, which is about five years too many. However, the trainwreck of a relationship did result in two absolutely wonderful children whose welfare has become my sole concern. If I were to do what my few true friends suggest and actually leave her, I would have no way of financially making it work. I can't afford to break ties, even though I long to do it.

I'm also not able to ethically "cheat", even though such a term implies that there's any kind of fidelity or care on part of my counterpart. It's not the sex, (well okay maybe that's part of it), but more so, it's the emotional closeness that a real relationship can bring. I need to feel attached to someone, and I am tired of meeting nice people at work yet knowing I can never pursue anything with them. I just need to accept the fact that I will be lonely, in a sense, martyred emotionally for my children's sake.

Can this resolution work? [/i]

 

[jales]

Yes it can..worked 4 my mom...she solved it by having more kids (six to be exact).
I'm sorry to hear about ur situation...
Patience is key...keep saying what you want to him..

 

[IgnoredOne]

In one word? Yes. Because you're entirely relying on yourself for that resolution, and I firmly believe that you can choose whatever attitude you want.

Though it seems that you're using a sledgehammer to bludgeon a fly - from what I've read of your situation, you do want a fulfilling relationship but cannot due to financial obstacles. Therefore, you might want to focus on overcoming said financial obstacles.

A healthier attitude, then, that allows for more hope would be:

I understand that I am currently in a situation that prevents me from entering a satisfying relationship now. So I want to put in any effort necessary to extricate myself from this situation.

 

[Kristen]

This a very serious problem since the children are involved. If theres no love in the marriage they can sense it and will be upset with out showing. It depends on the atmosphere in ur house. If u are a quite and have been taking this sh.. for 5 years peacefully then it looks like u can do it sacrefising urself. did u talk to her or just suffering silently?

 

[SadRabbit]

haha did there and done that. Well, actually don't do that. I will make you a cold hearted person like me. Well, my resolution, is to resolve not to make any resolutions or have any hopes each christmas and new yr. Cause, it will never come true =(

 

[armor4sleepPA]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! It was so great to log on and see that people have been through similar situations, or at least understand them! I'm grateful to have found the site!

Ignored, you made a good point; I can use sublimation to turn a bad situation into one in which I can use hope to sustain me until I can make a move.

EME, you made a lot of sense; the kids will eventually suffer. I hate that they can sense friction, such as when one of them asks me, "Daddy, why does mommy hate us?" It's tough, but we'll get through it. I'm already working extra hours doing tutoring, running SAT Prep programs, etc. I just hope time passes quickly until things work themselves out.

Thanks for the encouragement and warm welcome to the forum! I hope to be able to help others as time goes on!

 

[Arianna]

I decided to make a resolution this new years eve. Now, mind you, I'm not one for making meaningless resolutions such as cutting back on carbs, spending less money on music, or other whimsical notions that I know will never last. Instead, I try to think of something truly worthy of my energy and focus. This year, here it is:

I'm resolving to accept emotional loneliness, along with abanonding the idea of ever finding a fulfilling relationship

I know this sounds like something said after too much alcohol or a recent breakup (or both!), but trust me when I say I've given this a lot of consideration. See, I'm in a situation where I can't leave the person I'm with, who also treats me like crap and neglects my emotional needs. We've been together nearly six years, which is about five years too many. However, the trainwreck of a relationship did result in two absolutely wonderful children whose welfare has become my sole concern. If I were to do what my few true friends suggest and actually leave her, I would have no way of financially making it work. I can't afford to break ties, even though I long to do it.

I'm also not able to ethically "cheat", even though such a term implies that there's any kind of fidelity or care on part of my counterpart. It's not the sex, (well okay maybe that's part of it), but more so, it's the emotional closeness that a real relationship can bring. I need to feel attached to someone, and I am tired of meeting nice people at work yet knowing I can never pursue anything with them. I just need to accept the fact that I will be lonely, in a sense, martyred emotionally for my children's sake.

Can this resolution work? [/i]

armor..I have witnessed this situation with several people. Mostly those much older than I myself. And please excuse me for asking..but I am curious to know. Initially, what was it about your partner that moved you to get involved in the first place? I mean..did she change? Or did your expectations? I would certainly understand it..if you told me this was too personal a question to ask. And yet..if you didn't mind...

 

[Kristen]

"Daddy, why does mommy hate us?"

OMG, I wander what u said to that...
thats what I meant by the atmosphere. The problem is that they start blaming themselves for everything, by asking this he is already wondering if its him and might start to worry whats wrong with everybody and him....this is critical for his inner world. If he feels hated by his mother (even though I doubt very much that she hates her own children) he is not picking up on "no love" anymore he is moving on to feeling hate. All these mixed feeling become a chaos of emotions and a child not knowing whos the bad guy here mom or dad, what happened to the love and how to react, havent learned how to accept all the negativity gets lost in his own world. This is terrible couse u start searching for the right resoluton not knowing is it better to stay together for the children or not.
Good luck.

 

[armor4sleepPA]

armor..I have witnessed this situation with several people. Mostly those much older than I myself. And please excuse me for asking..but I am curious to know. Initially, what was it about your partner that moved you to get involved in the first place? I mean..did she change? Or did your expectations? I would certainly understand it..if you told me this was too personal a question to ask. And yet..if you didn't mind...

Not too personal at all, EME. I fell in love with her nearly six years ago after meeting her at a school function. We attended different universities in different states. We kept up correspondence, and ran up the phone bills in between bi-weekly weekend end visits. We were both English majors, and both had a love for writing.

Lots changed, however... due to an unexpected pregnancy, I left college to join the military so as to provide medical benefits for her and the baby. While I was gone, she more or less blamed me for abandoning her, even though it was the only thing I could do to properly provide for her and our unborn child. I wrote her every day, and called when circumstance permitted. Upon returning home, she was entirely different. I guess months away will do that.

We got seperated once before, and that lasted less than a month. Basically I was moving on after making too many attempts to make it work. However, I felt very guilty for leaving my son, and my wife basically called me a dead-beat father, even though I agreed to send half of my paycheck home to him. I came back, and it was never really the same. She joined an odd religion (mormonism) and saw me as less worthy than she. The religion blinds her now, as her faith thinks she needs a mormon husband in order to reach heaven.

Sigh... that's a lot to talk about. Sorry if it bored you, but you asked! I do try to make things work, and there are days when she's somewhat cordial. However, I just need to stop being selfish and expecting true connection and settle for fulfilling my responsibility as my dad's kids and sticking it out until I finish my doctorate and make enough to make a move, this time taking them with me.

 

[Kristen]

oh, ye mormonism kinda allows people to sleep around with each other , I think, u know that? I think its not really her its them....

Sorry if it bored you, but you asked!

no not at all. Its interesting how other people's lives work out.
and I'm so nosy......

I finish my doctorate and make enough to make a move, this time taking them with me.

I think this is the best decision.

I think she misunderstood ur purpose of joining the atmy though...