Conversations: A Casual Look

[Case]

Some of you know that I had a coffee date that crashed and burned today. It made me think about conversations. What makes a good conversation? What makes a bad one? What are some techniques to make sure that you are giving good convo?

To begin, I need to dissect my coffee date to see what went wrong, in my view. We both sat down and I asked her how her day went. Then, I started asking about her job as a teacher for 2nd graders. She seemed very eager to talk about this. She smiled frequently, even seeming excited.

But the more the conversation went on, the more I realized it was almost entirely one-sided. When she said something particularly relevant to something I had experienced myself, I began to recount a story or two. During these moment, I could see her interest dropping to nothing. I got a lot of non-committal "Uh huhs" or "Mmm-Hmms" back from her. She had no questions, follow-ups, or interest in taking my anecdotes and stories and running with it to make her own observations. Instead, I felt like I was talking to a self-absorbed woman who was only interested in hearing herself talk.

By the end of the chat, I believe I had said about four things about my own life to her in an hour of chatting. The rest was all about her. She was the one to end the chat, said it was nice to meet me, and we parted. She probably disliked me because I didn't put all the attention on her.

In short, she was a lousy conversationalist.

So, what makes a good conversationalist? Well, first we must understand what is a conversation? Merriam-Webster's definition reads: an informal talk involving two people or a small group of people

Technically speaking, what the teacher and I had was a conversation. It just wasn't a good one. What makes a good conversation is the nature of the ideas shared, the interest in either agreeing or disagreeing with what was said, and expressing a general or passionate interest to continue the repartee. I'm not interested in engaging with people who simply want to "hold court" and dazzle the rest of us with their infinite wisdom.

I look conversation as a bit like a tennis match. I serve up an idea and hit it over the net, you position yourself appropriately, and you return it with a retort. I run to chase it, and I volley it back with an interesting anecdote and even a joke...

And, so it goes. Conversations can be antagonistic or not. One-sided or not. Angry or not. Emotional or not. But the one thing a conversation normally requires is at least two willing participants. (A solo conversation is a monologue.) And in my coffee date, the teacher never asked about me, never seemed interested in me, and only lit up when the topic came back to her. I felt like she had the conversational skills of someone who did not want to hear anyone else's opinion except for her own.

So, a conversation that lasts, that's meaningful, that creates friendships, requires equal parts participation and listening. Without these equal parts, it's no longer a conversation but a speech or a monologue with a "yes-person" providing encouragement to continue the narcissistic talk.

I'm glad I dodged a bullet with this one. I know a good conversation when I have one, and this was a failed communication on many levels. I tried, but it requires two equal participants, and we were not on the same page. It makes me appreciate the great conversations I *do* have with the people in my life.

So, now that I've had my say, what do you think makes for a good conversation?

 

[Badjedidude]

So, now that I've had my say, what do you think makes for a good conversation?

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying, but...

...listening.

I believe that the one thing missing from many conversations today is the act of truly listening to the other person rather than simply waiting your turn to talk.

Lower on the list are: intelligence, empathy, other various conversational skills. In my mind, it doesn't really matter if you're the most intelligent, most eloquent conversationalist. These are nice to have, but by far the most important thing is the ability to listen and to ask questions.

 

[Case]

So, now that I've had my say, what do you think makes for a good conversation?

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying, but...

...listening.

Yep. Exactly. Something I felt my date failed at miserably.

I believe that the one thing missing from many conversations today is the act of truly listening to the other person rather than simply waiting your turn to talk.

Yes. I remember reading a book on the differences between American and Japanese businessmen, and the one thing that the Japanese found troubling about Americans is what you mentioned. Americans tended not to listen, and they frequently only waited for their Japanese counterparts to finish talking so that the Americans could start talking themselves. We see this in the US all the time. The moment there is a pause, people fight to take control of the conversation at that point, making listening a dying art. I'm hoping to be part of a resurgence.

 

[Regumika]

Yes. I remember reading a book on the differences between American and Japanese businessmen, and the one thing that the Japanese found troubling about Americans is what you mentioned. Americans tended not to listen, and they frequently only waited for their Japanese counterparts to finish talking so that the Americans could start talking themselves. We see this in the US all the time. The moment there is a pause, people fight to take control of the conversation at that point, making listening a dying art. I'm hoping to be part of a resurgence.

I wonder if that has to do with culture. Considering how the US came to be and the focus on freedom and rights, we are now all in the mindset and taught that we "should be heard." That might be the cause, I don't know. At least the US businessman had the courtesy to stay silent while the Japanese one was talking =p

But I agree with BJD, listening and asking questions then share your own thoughts on the topic is what makes a conversation.

 

[Zett]

I'm glad I dodged a bullet with this one. I know a good conversation when I have one, and this was a failed communication on many levels. I tried, but it requires two equal participants, and we were not on the same page. It makes me appreciate the great conversations I *do* have with the people in my life.

So, now that I've had my say, what do you think makes for a good conversation?

I'd agree with your interpretation of a good conversation. It really is a two way street and both participants have to be willing to meet halfway. I tend to gauge whether I want to get to this point judging by how well the other is listening. If they seem to show disinterest or just in general aren't paying attention I make some attempts to see how far I can push into their story, ask questions and see the depth of their willingness to go into detail. This tends to flesh out their personality more, if they're really self absorbed it'll be obvious and if they aren't interested in talking to me or even learning my opinion I'll cut the conversation myself and make my exit. They've already made up their mind and I just can't justify wasting my time with people who aren't willing to put the same effort I put into them.

Listening is definitely becoming a rare quality. But it's more about the lack of curiosity driving that quality. Why are people not curious? It comes down to how open minded they are and how sure they are about knowing all the answers I feel. A combination of inner values vs their value of the person they're interacting with to come to the conclusion of whether they should listen or not. The thing about Japanese and some other Asian cultures including Korean is that we're taught a very strict value of respect when it comes to strangers, regardless of where they come from and who they appear to be. We just assume they deserve the benefit of the doubt and deserve to be heard.

So the inner value of respect for others has a lot of weight. How much respect do you show strangers? And would your prejudice affect how you would listen? Like if you were to listen to Albert Einstein vs myself, you would probably listen more closely to the former due to your presumptions about this man. In everyone's minds they would wonder what I could possibly offer that would be more valuable in terms of insight vs a genius. And so listening comes down to inner value vs presumed knowledge about a person.

This is why humility is such an important quality. It's the presumption that we do not know everything and that every person has the capacity to show something that we may not understand and we may learn to appreciate. Humility paves the way for open mindedness and helps a person stay respectful and likeable. It breeds curiosity and listening qualities that we appreciate.

Note that humility and respect is something drilled into Asian culture (martial arts and Confucius sayings) and this is the reason for the disparity between American and Asian culture. That's not to say every Asian or American is like this. But in any case if you want to be a great listener you might want to look at these inner values first. Do you respect everyone you talk to? Are you humble or so sure you know all the answers that the person you're talking to cannot possibly give you them?

 

[Badjedidude]

Listening is definitely becoming a rare quality. But it's more about the lack of curiosity driving that quality. Why are people not curious?

I don't think it's about curiosity alone. I'd call it a lack of empathy -- which in my mind entails both curiosity and the ability to listen.

A person who isn't curious or who doesn't listen quite simply just doesn't give a honeysuckle. They have no empathy; no urge to even attempt to understand or appreciate the thoughts, stories, or ideas of another human being.

 

[ladyforsaken]

So, now that I've had my say, what do you think makes for a good conversation?

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying, but...

...listening.

I believe that the one thing missing from many conversations today is the act of truly listening to the other person rather than simply waiting your turn to talk.

I gotta agree with listening. And also to show interest by asking questions about the person you're talking to, or about what you two are talking about. Just ask and ask .. I'm sure there's always something to ask or comment about with whatever topic you're on. If there isn't, then move on to something else that you are passionate about.. and see how the other person feels, again, by listening.

A person who isn't curious or who doesn't listen quite simply just doesn't give a honeysuckle. They have no empathy; no urge to even attempt to understand or appreciate the thoughts, stories, or ideas of another human being.

Hmm. That's one way of putting it, I think so too.

 

[Zett]

-please delete-

 

[Regumika]

But the more the conversation went on, the more I realized it was almost entirely one-sided. When she said something particularly relevant to something I had experienced myself, I began to recount a story or two. During these moment, I could see her interest dropping to nothing. I got a lot of non-committal "Uh huhs" or "Mmm-Hmms" back from her. She had no questions, follow-ups, or interest in taking my anecdotes and stories and running with it to make her own observations. Instead, I felt like I was talking to a self-absorbed woman who was only interested in hearing herself talk.

By the end of the chat, I believe I had said about four things about my own life to her in an hour of chatting. The rest was all about her. She was the one to end the chat, said it was nice to meet me, and we parted. She probably disliked me because I didn't put all the attention on her.

Okay, I have a question of my own about conversations and this kind of touches on that. I have been told several times in my life that I do not make really good conversation. However, do I think I'm a bad conversationalist? I don't think so. I listen, I comment, I ask questions, I do my best to get involved. But very much like this woman, the conversation dies with the other person.

Now, we have said that it's the lack of interest but is that the only reason? Could there be other issues for holding good conversation because two people talk differently? Is there a difference between discussion and conversation? Does the topic matter? Does the result of the topic matter?

Ever hear the phrase "So, where are you going with this?" Does it have to go anywhere?

 

[Suzanne13]

I agree with listening wholeheartedly , but there has to be an exchange of ideas, or experiences. I was married to a man who would speak for 40 minutes straight, and, if after that, I tried to interject an opinion of my own, or a question, he would berate me for interrupting. Needless to say, that was just one of many issues we had, and we've been divorced for years now.

It sounds as though your coffee date may be of the same ilk. I'm sorry for what you went through, and I feel for you, but I really think you dodged a bullet. She may come back after a while to see if you're still interested, if she realizes what a good listener you were. My advice would be to run. Far.

I think intellectual chemistry, when it happens, will take care of the conversation. There's nothing better then talking to someone where you almost jump on each other's sentences, because you identify with what the other person is saying so well you can't help it. I don't think that happened to you this time. Sorry.

 

[Case]

Now, we have said that it's the lack of interest but is that the only reason? Could there be other issues for holding good conversation because two people talk differently? Is there a difference between discussion and conversation? Does the topic matter? Does the result of the topic matter?

Lack of interest isn't the only reason a good conversation cannot be had. There could be narcissism, where one person feels superior to the other. There are cultural and social barriers that could prevent it, as well. I think the narcissism might be what I experienced in my OP.

Ever hear the phrase "So, where are you going with this?" Does it have to go anywhere?

Well, I think conversations always go somewhere, but anyone who says to you, "Where are you going with this?" is impatient and wants you to get to your point. I've heard people say this and call people "long-winded" because they're impatient and think the speaker is just rambling. Then again, I have previously been guilty of taking 500 words to say the same thing that could have been said in ten words or less. I'm always working on that.

I was married to a man who would speak for 40 minutes straight, and, if after that, I tried to interject an opinion of my own, or a question, he would berate me for interrupting.

That would have driven me insane. How did you cope? I liken conversations to many things; a dance, a tennis match, an informal agreement to make an exchange, etc. What you describe about your ex-husband was like a dance without a partner, or a tennis match where only one person had a racquet, or an exchange where one party is being ripped off.

It sounds as though your coffee date may be of the same ilk. I'm sorry for what you went through, and I feel for you, but I really think you dodged a bullet. She may come back after a while to see if you're still interested, if she realizes what a good listener you were. My advice would be to run. Far.

She never snapped at me for interrupting, but I agree that I dodged a bullet. I would bet anything that I'll never hear from her again.

I think intellectual chemistry, when it happens, will take care of the conversation. There's nothing better then talking to someone where you almost jump on each other's sentences, because you identify with what the other person is saying so well you can't help it. I don't think that happened to you this time. Sorry.

No, it didn't happen that time, but c'est la vie. I've had enough LONG conversations of mutual participation to know that what we had was just not working. And I agree. The more comfortable you feel jumping in at any point without being berated is a wonderful thing. Then, you've found something special.