Desperate for some kind of release

[Ravager1663]

WARNING: This turned into quite a depressive rant. You might want to just skip it altogether, as I would prefer to not help in making others more miserable.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel as if I've gone beyond "just" being depressed and lonely.

It's so much more that that. There's so much more that is... wrong. With me, with everything.

I don't know what I'm doing here (in life) anymore. I no longer pursue happiness and I have pretty much abandoned hope and desire, as it only brought me more pain and suffering.

I have tried fighting my issues, but I just kept losing. They always seemed to have the upper hand. I've also tried shielding myself from everything that has been bringing me down, but it's no good... they always find their way back in.

Now, all I seem to care about is to find some kind of release, from all these torturous thoughts and emotions that never lead anywhere. They just keep spinning around in my mind and I can't make them stop. I feel trapped. It's as if existence itself has become my enemy.

I sleep as much as I can but, unfortunately, there's a limit to how long you can force your body to stay asleep. And while sleep is the best thing I have, it's far from perfect, because I'm haunted even in my dreams.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Because I don't think anyone can help me. I doubt mere words can save a person that has gone as far as I have. I've looked for answers pretty much everywhere, for such a long time now. At times I've felt as if I was close to something, but then it's been as if time has rewinded itself and I've ended up back at square one again.

I feel as if my life have turned into some kind of sick, cruel joke. It's like I'm trapped in a labyrinth that goes on and on forever, with no way leading out.

At least I can sleep again soon...

 

[viviana]

i am here online, reading this...i feel compelled to reach out and say something you know
i am sure by tomorrow this thread will be booming with posts

so let me tell you that you are not alone at all ok.. and i am real messed up myself and still trying to figuring things out myself. i really do not have the advice you need there yet, only that the ones you will get, will probably help someone like me

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I went through a simular phase in my life at a very young age.
I actaully went through a simular stage in my life recently too....

On the surface everything seem okay, but I was very, very miserable.
I had a great paying job and partying all the time. No amount of money
or women took my pains away. I went deep into my drinking and partying
just to cope. It worked for a while...then it stopped working.
I didn't really had friends or people that actaully cared about me...
When my money ran out...fucken people ran out on me too.
I knew that would happened too...that's why I felt life and people were
so fucken retarded. It was very depressing...
I lived like that for 2 years and not really giving a fresia it I lived or die.
And this is after a suicide attemp. In a nutshell I was trying to kill myself
the slow way..

Yeap those **** thoughts and feelings didn't make any fucken
sense to me..So I check the fresia out all the time.

Then I got introduced to AA or recovery. I met some nice people
that kind of understood me...and I met a lot of pricks too.lol

Anywho, everything still felt retarded to me. Getting clean and sober
seem really fucken retarded and borning to me...
On top of more fucken guilt and shame. And the constance saying of
how really, really wack I was.

I kept trying though.....becuase I met some people that seem to care
and wasn't telling me what to do or how to feel.
Anyway, I had a motorcycle. I'd ride it all day everyday.
I'd ride my motorcycle into the mountain or desert.
I spent alot of time away from human beings and society.

In nature I found peace and healing.
No more rights..no more wrongs.
I'd scream at the top of my lungs to release my agner.
I was very angery at god, everyone and mostly myself.
I also broke down and cried a lot. All of the fucken hurt and pains
that was carrying around.

Slowly... everyday I felt better. i didn't have to do anything
in nature. I just had to suit up and show up...then I relized
were wasn't anything wrong with me...

All of the fucken guilt, shame were from trying to live honeysuckle
that humans made up...I didn't make that honeysuckle up ..other people
did and I had a hard time seeing that...becuase I saw people
not living up to those moral, idea or values...they just talk about it...

Anyways in recovery I was also introduce to healthy living tool and
copping skills...Letting Go.
Especailly my thoughts and emotions.
Meditations also helps.

I went though a simular stage after breaking up from a toxic relationship.
When Jenni died...it went into a tail spinned.
I felt everything was fucken retarted and life was totally piontless.

Then I came across a simple releasing program. Something that I could
do. I already knew plenty of principles that I was thought in recovery.
The releasing program is call the Sedona methdoe...

No praying..no god this , or god that. No trying to figure honeysuckle out.
No this is right or that's wrong...
I followed the suggestions. It helps me relaeasd my guilt, shame, remose,
pains. I had a really hard time greiving over Jenni. I had a hard time
Letthing her go. I was very, very angery at my ex-gf. I had a hard time
letting that go too.

It's bascially the same type of experince that I was experinced in
nature, but more direct and simple. I just needed to allow myself
to process my thoughts and feelings and LET THEM GO...or
don't figure them out...basically I'd play a million sernario of Jenni.
Nothing made sense becuase she's gone. Nothing I say, think or do
will bring her back to life. Acceptence of that was a son of a *****...

I made a lot of progress..since 6 months ago.
There's been a lot of healing and love in my life today.
I sleep like a baby...
I awaken pretty much happy every morning now.

 

[Twitchy]

Now, all I seem to care about is to find some kind of release, from all these torturous thoughts and emotions that never lead anywhere. They just keep spinning around in my mind and I can't make them stop. I feel trapped. It's as if existence itself has become my enemy.

You probably know my feelings on the subject, but I'll chime in anyway.

I think I've talked to you enough to know there's a nordic warrior in there somewhere. When things start to get depressing, it's the time when you need to fight the most...and this is coming from someone who's been through lots of "depressing".

I hope you feel better soon. If not, you know where I am.

 

[FoolOnTheHill]

read "choice theory" (the book) for all those who think they are depressed. i have to refer to it when i get in a funk. spoiler warning, it basically says you have the choice to be depressed, just stop acting in ways that make you depressed find activities to occupy your brain. really you should read the book its a lot more clear on how to not depress.

 

[packyourbags]

((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))
i'm sorry dear
i'm here if you want to talk :/ i know i can't solve anything, but maybe it will help on some level. i don't know just sorry to hear that you are in such a bad place

shade.

 

[Ravager1663]

Thanks for the support guys. I feel that it was good to just get some of these things out there. I'm more calm today, and not feeling quite as hopeless as I did yesterday.