Erm...Could You Guys Let Me Know What You Think of This?

[Matt]

So I wrote a poem. I'd say more, but really it speaks for itself. Please read every line carefully - the rhyming scheme is very smooth so it's easy to read the text while ignoring what's actually being said. I'm curious what others think about this.


Because

I have seen all the world, and I hate none of it.

It is all so beautiful.

Blood and guts, sex and lust, pain and fame, rot and rust,
all of these unique to man;
no animal bleeds or grieves like the sapien can.

For a while I hated all of my kind –
Not misanthropic, more like confined;

I tried to love this race, this race of
God’s creation.

But at the expense of being heretic
God’s creations are pathetic.
Am I to believe an Infinite Being
Created a race of one-sighted seeing?
Now judge me not yet, this context thus set,
I’m no existentialist 20th century pet.
I look not to Nietzsche or the Underground Man,
I look not to Maddox or Palahniuk fans.

I love mankind, though I know not why.
I hate all his hate but I share all his cries.
I think of the sin, the blood and the gin,
The face of the victim of murder by kin.

And the face I’ve described in the line right above
Is the face of mankind in cumulative sum.
There is no ambition that drives any man
That coincides not with his selfish own plan.
And my plan to yours, your plan to mine –
The analogy screams of the sound and the mime,
And the dam and the Rhine, both the butcher and swine.
The victim of crime – the man of mankind,
This is the story of All throughout time,
“And why,” might you ask, “Is this a beautiful find?”
“Because,” I declare, “Because it is mine.”

 

[Ekstra]

Thats awesome. That relates what I've thought of the world as a system, imperfect and corrupt but also beautiful and perhaps perfect in its own flawed, corrupt way. It has a clever contruction too, especially the ending, just made me just smile. It actually appeals to my liberatarian side too, I think Ayn Rand would be proud.

 

[Qui]

I'm really digging all the poetry that's been popping up around here
Yeah, I like it. It might be a tad over my head...
but either way I'm one of those Palahniuk fans that you're not.
It's very interesting, I like how the rhymes are all there but aren't evenly spaced between lines and syllables so that it's not too obnoxiously rhyming.
The one thing that stands out to me, though again I get the feeling this may all be over my head and I could be making a stupid comment, but *verbal vomit* I would include a line that didn't rhyme in a really jarring way as to catch the reader's attention. I think that would offset the really smooth rhyming scheme and make people pay attention more. But, that's just me.
Either way, I like it :]

 

[TalosNB]

So I wrote a poem. I'd say more, but really it speaks for itself. Please read every line carefully - the rhyming scheme is very smooth so it's easy to read the text while ignoring what's actually being said. I'm curious what others think about this.


Because

I have seen all the world, and I hate none of it.

It is all so beautiful.

Blood and guts, sex and lust, pain and fame, rot and rust,
all of these unique to man;
no animal bleeds or grieves like the sapien can.

For a while I hated all of my kind –
Not misanthropic, more like confined;

I tried to love this race, this race of
God’s creation.

But at the expense of being heretic
God’s creations are pathetic.
Am I to believe an Infinite Being
Created a race of one-sighted seeing?
Now judge me not yet, this context thus set,
I’m no existentialist 20th century pet.
I look not to Nietzsche or the Underground Man,
I look not to Maddox or Palahniuk fans.

I love mankind, though I know not why.
I hate all his hate but I share all his cries.
I think of the sin, the blood and the gin,
The face of the victim of murder by kin.

And the face I’ve described in the line right above
Is the face of mankind in cumulative sum.
There is no ambition that drives any man
That coincides not with his selfish own plan.
And my plan to yours, your plan to mine –
The analogy screams of the sound and the mime,
And the dam and the Rhine, both the butcher and swine.
The victim of crime – the man of mankind,
This is the story of All throughout time,
“And why,” might you ask, “Is this a beautiful find?”
“Because,” I declare, “Because it is mine.”

Nice poem very well done i must say much better then my own amateur attempts

 

[Qui]

Nice poem very well done i must say much better then my own amateur attempts

haha or mine, as posted not quite anonymously by (guess who), who was guessed to be qui which would be true, in a silly way because qui is french for who, so by guessing "qui" when asked to guess who, you really are just guessing who. ah, I think I really need to lay off on the pixie stix now... ok, well, um, goodnight.

 

[Matt]

but either way I'm one of those Palahniuk fans that you're not.

Ah, naw. I quite like his work, as well as all the others that were mentioned; I was just explaining that I derived my "philosophical" conclusions devoid of their influences.

The one thing that stands out to me, though again I get the feeling this may all be over my head and I could be making a stupid comment, but *verbal vomit* I would include a line that didn't rhyme in a really jarring way as to catch the reader's attention. I think that would offset the really smooth rhyming scheme and make people pay attention more. But, that's just me.

Mmm, to be honest, I'm a total tool for aestheticism. I love poetic beauty too much to include any jarring or uncomfortable lines. That's partly the reason why I never venture into atonality when writing music...

Anyways, I appreciate all of your guys' great feedback. Thanks.

 

[mink]

I like the poem a lot, the rhymings are good too in my opinion. It sounds heavy but in a simple manner which I think is cool. It's good
For a second there I actually thought you could be an awesome songwriter

 

[RainyDaze]

Wow, I really like this song.. I was singing along with it as I read it. =]. It has an interesting theme to it and I like the way it flows. Nothing was forced, everything is good. =]. Keep writing...
x3.

 

[Larsen B]

Very good stuff!

Revel in the incongruity, the absurdity and the majesty all the same.

Maybe don't try to think outside the box, be the box that loves being the box.