ever run into one of these?

[davyjones]

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/is-your-girlfriend-or-wife-a-professional-victim/

the professional victim

Does your girlfriend or wife blame you for everything that’s wrong in the relationship, even her bad behaviors? Does she refuse to take responsibility for her own actions, especially the hurtful ones? Do you frequently feel forced into a role of contrition in which you have to make up for some wrong or “owe” your girlfriend or wife?

If so, you may be involved with a woman who is a professional victim. Don’t be fooled, she is no victim. Victim-hood is a powerful role. In fact, women who play the victim are really the aggressor in relationships. They play the “victim” to manipulate and control others by holding you emotionally hostage.

Professional victims are stealth bullies. Being caught in a never ending blame game with one of these women is a form of emotional abuse for the man at whom she points her finger in accusation.

The following characteristics are signs that your girlfriend or wife may be a professional victim:

1) She never acknowledges when she hurts others. She has exclusive rights to the role of “injured party.” When you call her on her behavior, she provides ample excuses for why she’s not accountable. The excuses she provides assign blame for her actions to someone else, usually the person she’s wronged. It’s always your fault or someone else’s fault, but never, ever is it her fault.

2) The victim must be victimized. If you’re not an abusive person, she’ll pull it out of you in order to play the victim script she has in her head. For example, she needles and needles and needles one of your sore spots, until you can’t take it any more and snap at her in defense.

Presto! She just got you to “victimize” her–never mind the previous 2 hours in which she psychologically tormented and bullied you into it. She needs to play innocent victim to someone’s bad guy. It’s the foundation of her identity.

This is a very primitive defense mechanism called projective identification, which, if you’re on the receiving end, is truly awful in that it makes you feel like the crazy person. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy whereby she believes you’re a “bad guy” and she’s a “victim.” She then behaves or interacts with you in such a way that you change your behavior in response to her actions and become the “bad guy.” A telltale sign is that you feel like you’re being coerced into being someone that you’re not. It’s highly, highly emotionally abusive.

3) She blames others and circumstances for her own shortcomings or failures. The professional victim lives in “Never-Never Take Personal Responsibility Land,” which is bordered to the North by “The Land of If Only.” This allows her to blame her parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, professors and you for her life, career and relationships not being as she thinks they should be.

She’d be running the business if only her boss recognized her talents. She’d have graduated from culinary school and been wildly successful if her prof hadn’t looked at her cross-eyed. She’d have sex with you more often if you did more of x, y, and z. Don’t fall for this malarkey, men. She’s right in that there’s someone to blame for her sad life. She need only look in the mirror to direct her blame accurately.

4) She admires and respects people who actually treat her badly. This is a fascinating aspect of the professional victim: They defend those who harm, exploit and bully them and vilify and lash out at those who want to help and care for them. She may fondly describe a relative or ex-boyfriend who sounds like a real S.O.B. and follow it up with, “but he’s such a good person.” Meanwhile, you bend over backward to tiptoe around her extreme sensitivities and she accuses you of “beating her down” and “not being supportive.” Huh?

The fact that she admires and respects bullies and people who abuse their power is a huge red flag because we emulate those we admire. Let me make this point crystal clear, SHE ADMIRES BULLIES AND ABUSERS BECAUSE SHE IS REALLY AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BULLY IN VICTIM’S CLOTHING.

It’s impossible to have a loving relationship of equals with a professional victim. She goes through life feeling slighted and angry, never taking responsibility for her actions or life. Good luck trying to talk to her about this. You’ll meet with extreme defensiveness and more blaming behaviors. Her only identity is that of victim: If she doesn’t believe she’s being victimized, then who is she? Someone who treats other people like crap and who is pissing her life away. It’s a matter of psychological self-preservation versus ego annihilation.

You can’t have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who holds you hostage and controls you through guilt, emotional blackmail, and blame. This type of person rarely changes and usually has characteristics of one of the dramatic cluster B personality disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder or some variation.

If you’re involved with one of these women, I encourage you to reconsider the relationship. When I come across them in life, I try to avoid them altogether or, at the very least, minimize contact. It’s really the only way to deal with them.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

 

[shells]

This could apply to me to some extent.

 

[Mary Mary]

This could apply to me to some extent.

I think the fact you can admit that some of this might apply to you means it doesn't apply to you. It sounds like my father. He's a narcissist.

 

[tangerinedream]

I've seen professional victims of both genders. It's not a role exclusive for women. A passive-aggressive, manipulative emotional terrorist is an emotional terrorist no matter the sex.

Besides, there are people out there who truly have been victimized by life, events, other people etc. Not all of them revel in victimhood, but manage to pull through even though they may have times that they get mired in the process and look to others as though they are wallowing in self-pity, when perhaps they are taking a necessary time to recharge emotionally so that they can move on. Just my $0.02


And here, for laughs, to counter your generalization-laden "What SHE'S Doing Wrong" article, is another, just as generalization-laden, "What HE'S Doing Wrong" one. ;-)

Why Men Don't Listen to Women Happy reading!

...I can see that a lot of times men have a great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women in their lives. Here are some reasons.

The Seven Reasons Men Don't Listen

1. It's a Power Struggle.
Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with. One man says, "You want us to be doormats."

2. Sarcasm.
Many men describe their interactions in terms of "sarcastic" comments -- put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. For example, some men respond with, "It must be that time of the month" or "Get me a beer" or other problematic and self-defeating comments. They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only doesn't care -- but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks he's clever and funny -- and she thinks he just doesn't get it.

3. Macho Thinking
A number of men comment that to validate or to use emotional language to support the woman is unmanly. "You are trying to make us into wusses," a number of men say. They believe that the role of the man is to be strong, above it, domineering. Validating and allowing emotional ventilation is for feminized men, men who have lost their dignity as "real men." The women may think that some of the macho confidence is appealing, until it leads them to feel that the only emotion they can get from him is his anger.

4. Emotional Dysregulation
Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion -- which they can't tolerate -- they either try to get her to shut up -- or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.

5. Not Wanting to Reinforce Whining
This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for their partner's expression will reinforce complaining which, in turn, will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won't let her talk, that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that support -- another woman friend -- or another man.

6. Demand for Rationality
Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner's apparent irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her, become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or "the facts" might sound "mature" but I have yet to hear someone say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting -- less about simply giving you the information and being logical.

7. Problems Have to Be Solved
These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts that then can be used for problem-solving. They think that venting and sharing feelings gets you nowhere and that if their partner is not willing to initiate problem-solving then she is being self-indulgent and wasting everyone's time and energy. When he jumps in with problem-solving, she either escalates the emotion which she believes is not heard, or she withdraws.


Well, ask yourself, "Have these responses really worked?" Why is this kind of behavior and thinking so predictive of divorce? If it's not working -- and you and your partner both know it's not -- then maybe it's time to think about making a change. You can change your partner -- break up, get divorced. Or, perhaps it would be easier to change your response to your partner. In a previous posting I listed some possible responses.

 

[SofiasMami]

Oh Jesus ******* Christ.
Is there an ignore function for misogynist threads?

Teresa

 

[Mr. Sir]

Yeah, I've run into the types many times.

 

[tangerinedream]

Oh Jesus ******* Christ.
Is there an ignore function for misogynist threads?

Teresa

It makes me wonder what the correlation between loneliness and misogyny might be, and which came first.

 

[Mr. Sir]

Oh Jesus ******* Christ.
Is there an ignore function for misogynist threads?

Teresa

It makes me wonder what the correlation between loneliness and misogyny might be, and which came first.

Loneliness comes first.

All my macho, model, bodybuilder, and thug friends/acquaintances are hardcore disrespectful to women and they get more action then the average "happily married" dude ever will.

The thing is that alot of "lonely guys" have Aspergers Syndrome or are very weak and don't realize the behavior that you need to show to women (she needs to know that you're a tough guy who is capable of protecting and providing for her, but around HER she wants you to be a sweet, sensitive guy). Most of the dudes who are like "women all like bad boys, wah! wah! wah!" have mistaken being weak for being nice.

Through some recent research I have just done, I have actually found out that women have often total disgust for the "friendzoned" dudes. Women see them "not expressing their desires upfront" as a huge sign of weakness, and also as a sneaky, creepy, lying, deceitful, wimpy thing to do. Read "Mode 1", it talks about this concept.

However, I think women are being a little harsh on the weak dudes when they say this, as I HARDCORE believe that it is a privelege to display this "forward" behavior, and that ugly dudes and dorky dudes are NOT allowed to display it.

Young men who are struggling with these uncomfortable truths just need to learn to detach their emotions from the whole matter and accept that this is just a fact of genetics and biology and there isn't really anything anyone can do to change it.

 

[VanillaCreme]

There are these types of people. Period. Gender does not take sides to minds such as that.

 

[Mr. Sir]

There are these types of people. Period. Gender does not take sides to minds such as that.

True, but the problem is that men who behave like that are punished and alienated by other men whereas women can ALWAYS find some kind of weak, desperate dude to play victim to and cry on his shoulder.

 

[VanillaCreme]

You could say the same for both genders.

 

[Code S.O.L]

YES! Of course! Whenever my sorry ass is dragged out to a club, I generally stay close to the group we're with, and direct a few things I say towards the group. And when they all take to the dance floor, I feel I have an obligation to not dance, and simply watch on from the sidelines.

But, as you said. Us weak people simply need to detach our emotions and accept that we will never find anybody simply because of our weak nature. I should really ask not to be invited to these nights out, as I clearly don't belong in those sorta places.

 

[Mr. Sir]

You could say the same for both genders.

Any dude who tried to play the victim often would be told to STFU and alientated by his community.

---

But, as you said. Us weak people simply need to detach our emotions and accept that we will never find anybody simply because of our weak nature. I should really ask not to be invited to these nights out, as I clearly don't belong in those sorta places.

I never said this. It is your choice whether or not you want to succeed in the dating game. I fully sympathize with the pain that you are experiencing as I once experienced it (and sometimes still do) but if you are not going to make an effor than the fault becomes yours. I have no problem spending time assessing your situation and drafting out a workout plan for you, and sending you links to fashion sights, but the choice is up to you.

 

[Code S.O.L]

I'm sorry. Right now, I'm still angry at the world. I tend to go in and out of these phases here and there.

But the thing is this. Physically speaking, I could change myself. Hell, I'm in the process of doing so atm. It doesn't involve intense sessions at the gym. Rather big walks roughly twice a day(3kms per walk). As Brian once said. It's all fair and good to be big, but in some cases, having a smaller, athletic frame can be an advantage. Fashion's easy enough. Simply observe what others are wearing, and imitate it somehow.

But as I said, changing how I look, is easy. Changing ME however, is another issue altogether.

 

[Mr. Sir]

I'm sorry. Right now, I'm still angry at the world. I tend to go in and out of these phases here and there.

But the thing is this. Physically speaking, I could change myself. Hell, I'm in the process of doing so atm. It doesn't involve intense sessions at the gym. Rather big walks roughly twice a day(3kms per walk). As Brian once said. It's all fair and good to be big, but in some cases, having a smaller, athletic frame can be an advantage. Fashion's easy enough. Simply observe what others are wearing, and imitate it somehow.

But as I said, changing how I look, is easy. Changing ME however, is another issue altogether.

Yeah I mean, nothing really to change about yourself.

Just have a personality for men, a personality for mixed company, and a personality for one-on-one seducing girls.

Just eliminate any hobbies that girls find repulsive.

Hit the gym. Stop being angry at the world. It's a cold, shitty place. We all know.

 

[Mary Mary]

I'm sorry. Right now, I'm still angry at the world. I tend to go in and out of these phases here and there.

But the thing is this. Physically speaking, I could change myself. Hell, I'm in the process of doing so atm. It doesn't involve intense sessions at the gym. Rather big walks roughly twice a day(3kms per walk). As Brian once said. It's all fair and good to be big, but in some cases, having a smaller, athletic frame can be an advantage. Fashion's easy enough. Simply observe what others are wearing, and imitate it somehow.

But as I said, changing how I look, is easy. Changing ME however, is another issue altogether.

Code, you can do this. Also, this is about initial sexual attraction. Even though out of respect for your mate, you'll want to stay as desirable as you can through your life time for them, that's not going to happen. People get busy and older and gain weight, men lose their hair, women's breasts sag. However, by this time, you should have a strong emotional bond with your mate that will compensate for the loss of these things. That's why you still need to find a quality woman who understands the things that really matter.

Also, you may feel as if you can never change, but you can. It won't happen over night, but keep working a little at a time to become more confident. You'll look back one day and see how different you've become. I won't lie to you; it may take years, but it will happen if you keep trying. I promise you.

I used be a quiet, extremely anxious and shy girl. Now I'm just shameless.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Why of course...IF ONLY SHE WOULD COME BACK TO ME..to take all my pains N sorrows away. I will all right

mmmm...what really sucks is when I start playing my own fucken vitim.
I HAVE A CHIOCE..**** it.. Hahaahaa..
I had a spiritual awakening..

Like Marry say....Ur never alone.

 

[Mary Mary]

Why of course...IF ONLY SHE WOULD COME BACK TO ME..to take all my pains N sorrows away. I will all right

mmmm...what really sucks is when I start playing my own fucken vitim.
I HAVE A CHIOCE..**** it.. Hahaahaa..
I had a spiritual awakening..

Like Marry say....Ur never alone.

Your using an opposite gender avatar messes with my head.

(She looks great, by the way)

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Why of course...IF only she would come back into my life ..take all my pains N sorrows away N act right, ..think like I think..feel how I feel. Belief how I beleif...I will be OKI DOKI
Well if she cant...Mrs right will come around..I can wait forevaaaaa...
She'll fix me

But oh ****...I lost my fucken keys
N locked myself in this fucken room.
Ouch!!!..I cuted myself. Oh yeah...pains feels goof though. fresia them bitches..they just dont know how to
hit me right..If u want somethig done right..ya gatta do it urself.
Ihe irony of it all.... .
Yeah..yeah Im my own worst enemy and Im also my best victim too.

---

Oops had to write that twice using my cell...

Thanks Marry....
Shes very important to me. Our love is stronger than our hate.