S
shells
Guest
For the past two years, I have been enrolled in high school and college, am a varsity athlete, and a national honor society student. I am not trying to be a snob, but that is only the iceberg of all of my hard work. I've achieved scholarships, national awards and recognitions.
On Sunday, I went to lunch with my dad. I hadn't seen him in about a year. I even brought along my high school transcript so I could show him how well I was doing. All I wanted to do is share these successes with my father. I wanted him to be proud of me.
When I first stepped into the restaraunt, he had already been seated. When he looked up and saw me, he yelled out, "Wow! You got so FAT!" I was so embarrassed. I could feel eyes from everyone in the restaraunt, focusing on me. Despite the urge to turn around and leave, I sat down. He carried on saying, "God, you got so fat. What happened?" I've been going to the gym four-six times a week at 24 hour fitness. I kept that to myself, though.
My dad is schizophrenic and bi-polar and his symptoms have only become more severe. I don't think these excuses his behavior towards me, but it may help to explain it. So, basically, the rest of the lunch date was mostly interrogating me because he didn't believe that I was his daughter. If you are familiar with schizophrenia, then you'll know why he did this.
I tried to show him my driver's license and he said, "That girl looks nothing like you. She is prettier." I swiped my license from him, and asked for the check. Crushed, I stayed silent until it was time to go.
This incident has caused me to relaspe into my bulimia. I have been bulimic for 6, almost 7, years. Before this relaspe, I was going on 4 months of being purge and starvation free. My self-esteem is so deflated right now, I want to break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Only he knows about my battle with my eating disorders and self-esteem. I feel terrible that I am emotionally dependent upon him. I think it is a heavy burden for him to carry and I don't want him to anymore. I love him so much, but I just feel like I am preventing him from someone who can make him happier and that is normal.
Beyond that, I am becoming suicidal. I lost my mother due to an accidental drug overdose on Thanksgiving, November 22nd, 2007, and I haven't gotten over it. It's killing me inside and I feel so alone. My grandmother has been my guardian, and she works all of the time. I worry about her because I know my mom's death has affected her, too. She keeps telling me that if I stay busy, that I will be okay. I have been, and it's not helping.
This is my senior year of high school and I'm losing the motivation to try anymore. Getting up to get ready for school in the morning seems like a daunting task. My speech is hardly coherent because I can't formulate my thoughts very well.
I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and alone. I am scared of being loved, because I don't want to trust and be hurt. I'm so tired of being hurt and disappointed.
On Sunday, I went to lunch with my dad. I hadn't seen him in about a year. I even brought along my high school transcript so I could show him how well I was doing. All I wanted to do is share these successes with my father. I wanted him to be proud of me.
When I first stepped into the restaraunt, he had already been seated. When he looked up and saw me, he yelled out, "Wow! You got so FAT!" I was so embarrassed. I could feel eyes from everyone in the restaraunt, focusing on me. Despite the urge to turn around and leave, I sat down. He carried on saying, "God, you got so fat. What happened?" I've been going to the gym four-six times a week at 24 hour fitness. I kept that to myself, though.
My dad is schizophrenic and bi-polar and his symptoms have only become more severe. I don't think these excuses his behavior towards me, but it may help to explain it. So, basically, the rest of the lunch date was mostly interrogating me because he didn't believe that I was his daughter. If you are familiar with schizophrenia, then you'll know why he did this.
I tried to show him my driver's license and he said, "That girl looks nothing like you. She is prettier." I swiped my license from him, and asked for the check. Crushed, I stayed silent until it was time to go.
This incident has caused me to relaspe into my bulimia. I have been bulimic for 6, almost 7, years. Before this relaspe, I was going on 4 months of being purge and starvation free. My self-esteem is so deflated right now, I want to break up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Only he knows about my battle with my eating disorders and self-esteem. I feel terrible that I am emotionally dependent upon him. I think it is a heavy burden for him to carry and I don't want him to anymore. I love him so much, but I just feel like I am preventing him from someone who can make him happier and that is normal.
Beyond that, I am becoming suicidal. I lost my mother due to an accidental drug overdose on Thanksgiving, November 22nd, 2007, and I haven't gotten over it. It's killing me inside and I feel so alone. My grandmother has been my guardian, and she works all of the time. I worry about her because I know my mom's death has affected her, too. She keeps telling me that if I stay busy, that I will be okay. I have been, and it's not helping.
This is my senior year of high school and I'm losing the motivation to try anymore. Getting up to get ready for school in the morning seems like a daunting task. My speech is hardly coherent because I can't formulate my thoughts very well.
I just don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and alone. I am scared of being loved, because I don't want to trust and be hurt. I'm so tired of being hurt and disappointed.