Hello everyone,
Today I'm writing about an unexpected "friends with benefits" situation I've run into.
I'm 42 years old and I met a pretty young lady who is 30. We met in a local social dancing scene. She used to have a boyfriend in the social scene and then I came to find out that she is no longer with him. So one night I approached her to dance and she was happy to accept. She is friendly to everyone so its not like she was going to say no.
Over the next few weeks I got to know her more through talking while dancing or hanging out at these dance places. I started to want to ask her out. So one day I asked her to meet for lunch and she did.
During our conversations prior to the lunch she did mention that she just came out of a relationship and is very 'non-committal' at this time. I didn't take that seriously because women often say things they don't mean and if someone right comes along they throw everything out the window.
Our first date at lunch was fun, but I could tell that we are far apart in life. When I was her age I already owned a home and had a business. She is renting a low-cost apartment in a low-income area and works for someone. A friend asked me how the date went and I said it was OK but disappointing because we are so different.
Over the next few weeks we agreed to go exercising together (hiking at a local park). That turned out to be more fun because we got to talk more and get to know each other. At this time I began to feel that if there is chemistry then we don't have to have everything in common if things just 'tend to work.' Never a dull moment with her (great chemistry) and I was feeling good.
One night however she looked really emotional and at the end of the night she said that she likes me but she doesn't see me in a relationship with her. I asked her if she is not ready for a relationship in general and she said that if the right person came along then she would be, but not with me and never with me. She made that very clear.
So I was pretty crushed. She gave me mixed messages throughout ... random texts, willing to go out of her way to meet me to exercise, spending extra time with me while we exercised, lots of talking, lots of long lasting hugs, lots of "going for a yogurt" after exercising. She said that she felt that I was expecting more. She was right. But I also felt that she gave me the green-light to do so with her attention and willingness to go beyond exercising. We spent a LOT of time together.
As we were leaving that evening we started to talk about how people randomly hook up in the dance social scene. I don't remember what she was saying, but she started to try to justify her non-committal behaviors and I just turned around and kissed her, knowing that this might be the only time I can get a kiss in.
That kiss session lasted almost two hours.
Now I really started to have feelings for her. A few days later it was my birthday and she was very amorous with me. We kissed a lot again and I told her that I loved her. She reacted negatively to that.
We agreed that we should not see each other for a while and to be cool to each other in social dancing as if nothing happened. Things were fine and then she started to want to exercise again and do the same things again. I was fine with that and had no expectations, although secretly I was hoping that things would turn.
She also told me that she had been going on dates with other men during this time but I'm the one she felt most comfortable and safe with.
A few weeks ago I felt a change in her -- she started being flirty. Dancing really close to me, often and longer than other people. I wasn't going to fall into another trap so I kept ignoring her extra attention. One evening I didn't even ask her to dance and that seemed to make her seek me out more after. She would send me random text messages to see how I'm doing, etc.etc...
In an exercise outing a couple of weeks ago she she seemed emotional again and I was like "Oh lord, what negative thing she is going to say to me now?" She got real quiet and said "Do you want to come over and spend the night with me?"
Needless to say I was shocked but I accepted. I told her that we can go to her place but I probably won't be having sex with her. We agreed to heavy kissing and touching. It was a nice unexpected encounter.
Before leaving she said that she wants to come over my place on the weekend and I said OK. When she got to my house she sensed that I was uncomfortable and we decided to talk. She said she wants a physical relationship with me because she likes me and trusts me. And that she needs comfort from time to time and will be calling upon me for that, and that I can do the same. I told her that I probably will be OK with this and she has to make sure that she is only intimate with me and no one else. She insisted that she will still go out on dates with other men.
Not only did we have sex that evening, we were very affectionate and cuddled, kissed and held hands during sleep. I thought maybe she had turned the corner and wanted me like a boyfriend. It wasn't like after it happened she got up and left.
She told me the next day that she wants to send me an email about something she is feeling and I could tell that it wasn't good. We decided to meet instead and talk about it and she once again re-iterated that she didn't want a relationship from me, but she likes me and trusts me and wants to continue a physical relationship with me.
It was very heartbreaking once again but I can't blame her because she was clear. What is confusing is the mixed messages she sends me.
I am a pretty lonely person otherwise. I have friends but at the end of the night I always am alone. Its a nice change to have someone in my life but this is not to my needs. I hate to say it but its better than nothing. I am confused now, as I don't know what I should do. I could just say no and lets just be friends (and be lonely) or to continue this and have no hope of more from her and perhaps use this situation to keep my needs met and meet someone in the process.
I consider myself a person of character and I can't treat someone I have had feelings for as an object for sex and comfort. We are good friends and I hope to keep out friendship intact at least. Having rules set forth should be good enough to keep our friendship. But I feel like I'm changing my character so that I can be less lonely. I"m pretty sure that she is not going to turn around. So maybe if we both satisfy many of our needs what is wrong? I should be more open minded?
Today I'm writing about an unexpected "friends with benefits" situation I've run into.
I'm 42 years old and I met a pretty young lady who is 30. We met in a local social dancing scene. She used to have a boyfriend in the social scene and then I came to find out that she is no longer with him. So one night I approached her to dance and she was happy to accept. She is friendly to everyone so its not like she was going to say no.
Over the next few weeks I got to know her more through talking while dancing or hanging out at these dance places. I started to want to ask her out. So one day I asked her to meet for lunch and she did.
During our conversations prior to the lunch she did mention that she just came out of a relationship and is very 'non-committal' at this time. I didn't take that seriously because women often say things they don't mean and if someone right comes along they throw everything out the window.
Our first date at lunch was fun, but I could tell that we are far apart in life. When I was her age I already owned a home and had a business. She is renting a low-cost apartment in a low-income area and works for someone. A friend asked me how the date went and I said it was OK but disappointing because we are so different.
Over the next few weeks we agreed to go exercising together (hiking at a local park). That turned out to be more fun because we got to talk more and get to know each other. At this time I began to feel that if there is chemistry then we don't have to have everything in common if things just 'tend to work.' Never a dull moment with her (great chemistry) and I was feeling good.
One night however she looked really emotional and at the end of the night she said that she likes me but she doesn't see me in a relationship with her. I asked her if she is not ready for a relationship in general and she said that if the right person came along then she would be, but not with me and never with me. She made that very clear.
So I was pretty crushed. She gave me mixed messages throughout ... random texts, willing to go out of her way to meet me to exercise, spending extra time with me while we exercised, lots of talking, lots of long lasting hugs, lots of "going for a yogurt" after exercising. She said that she felt that I was expecting more. She was right. But I also felt that she gave me the green-light to do so with her attention and willingness to go beyond exercising. We spent a LOT of time together.
As we were leaving that evening we started to talk about how people randomly hook up in the dance social scene. I don't remember what she was saying, but she started to try to justify her non-committal behaviors and I just turned around and kissed her, knowing that this might be the only time I can get a kiss in.
That kiss session lasted almost two hours.
Now I really started to have feelings for her. A few days later it was my birthday and she was very amorous with me. We kissed a lot again and I told her that I loved her. She reacted negatively to that.
We agreed that we should not see each other for a while and to be cool to each other in social dancing as if nothing happened. Things were fine and then she started to want to exercise again and do the same things again. I was fine with that and had no expectations, although secretly I was hoping that things would turn.
She also told me that she had been going on dates with other men during this time but I'm the one she felt most comfortable and safe with.
A few weeks ago I felt a change in her -- she started being flirty. Dancing really close to me, often and longer than other people. I wasn't going to fall into another trap so I kept ignoring her extra attention. One evening I didn't even ask her to dance and that seemed to make her seek me out more after. She would send me random text messages to see how I'm doing, etc.etc...
In an exercise outing a couple of weeks ago she she seemed emotional again and I was like "Oh lord, what negative thing she is going to say to me now?" She got real quiet and said "Do you want to come over and spend the night with me?"
Needless to say I was shocked but I accepted. I told her that we can go to her place but I probably won't be having sex with her. We agreed to heavy kissing and touching. It was a nice unexpected encounter.
Before leaving she said that she wants to come over my place on the weekend and I said OK. When she got to my house she sensed that I was uncomfortable and we decided to talk. She said she wants a physical relationship with me because she likes me and trusts me. And that she needs comfort from time to time and will be calling upon me for that, and that I can do the same. I told her that I probably will be OK with this and she has to make sure that she is only intimate with me and no one else. She insisted that she will still go out on dates with other men.
Not only did we have sex that evening, we were very affectionate and cuddled, kissed and held hands during sleep. I thought maybe she had turned the corner and wanted me like a boyfriend. It wasn't like after it happened she got up and left.
She told me the next day that she wants to send me an email about something she is feeling and I could tell that it wasn't good. We decided to meet instead and talk about it and she once again re-iterated that she didn't want a relationship from me, but she likes me and trusts me and wants to continue a physical relationship with me.
It was very heartbreaking once again but I can't blame her because she was clear. What is confusing is the mixed messages she sends me.
I am a pretty lonely person otherwise. I have friends but at the end of the night I always am alone. Its a nice change to have someone in my life but this is not to my needs. I hate to say it but its better than nothing. I am confused now, as I don't know what I should do. I could just say no and lets just be friends (and be lonely) or to continue this and have no hope of more from her and perhaps use this situation to keep my needs met and meet someone in the process.
I consider myself a person of character and I can't treat someone I have had feelings for as an object for sex and comfort. We are good friends and I hope to keep out friendship intact at least. Having rules set forth should be good enough to keep our friendship. But I feel like I'm changing my character so that I can be less lonely. I"m pretty sure that she is not going to turn around. So maybe if we both satisfy many of our needs what is wrong? I should be more open minded?
