Getting rid of cocky friends - decreased my friend pool, but oh well...

[TheLonelyNomad]

There was a college friend of mine, whom we've met on a flight from my home town to the city where our college was located. This chartered flight was arranged by the alumni group of the college in my town area. We all got off the plane, retrieved our luggages, and waited outside at the airport pick-up area for the college's bus to pick us up. We waited nearly two hours for the freaking bus to arrive at the airport.

During the wait, I met bryce, shook hands with him, and chatted about our hobbies and high school life. I got to know him more during my freshmen and sophomore years. We occasionally met up for lunch and/or dinner in the college dining hall. He was very lucky to have a single room, whereas I struggled with my roommate, during my freshman year, because he was a frat/party animal.

The majority of the students from my hometown who attended my college were from his high school, so he had a lot of "connections" when he made the transition over to college. I was the only person from my high school to attend my college. So even if we were all from the same town or state, there were only a few people I could connect with.

During college, bryce and I had different tracks of study in college. I studied business administration, while bryce studied bio-med engineering.

Come year 2005, we both graduated from college. He stayed back to complete his master's degree program, because he could not get into medical school on his first and second attempt. Hence, he enrolled in a master's degree program, if I recall correctly, some kind of bio-med studies. I moved back home because i hated living in the big city where my college was located. Too much traffic and a-holes I could not deal with.

I moved back to home to take pre-req classes for dentistry.

bryce would occasionally take trips back home, where I was at, and we would meet up for lunch and play pool or video games together.

However, bryce would be cocky and try to "compete" with me, always trying to win a simple game of pool or some kind of video game. He ALWAYS had to beat me. F-cker.

It's as if he was trying to be superior to me, and couldn't "lose" to me.

I felt negative vibes about bryce's behavior.

A year later, I found out from bryce that he "finally" got admitted to a medical program at Rush Medical Center in Chicago.

A year after he got into Rush, I got admitted to a dental program in Iowa (Univ of Iowa). I would meet up with him by driving freaking six to seven hours to Chicago, to have dinner with him, and of course, stay over at his apartment.

More bragging rights from bryce. He bragged to me that he was dating this Korean girl in his med school class, how he has decent grades in med school etc. We also played a game of pool, and same sh-t, he always tried to win over me, have his superiority mentality. Then he asked me if I was dating, and I told him no, because I was busy with my studies and projects. Couple months later, he broke up with her. LOL!

When I asked bryce if he could drive out to Iowa City to pay me some visits in the future, because I took the effort to drive out to Chicago for seven hours STRAIGHT, he said, "eh, I will think about it." A year passed, and again, I asked him to drive out to visit me. He made excuses that he was busy, and he was not good at long-distance driving.
My negative vibe/ radar went off. Because if bryce was a real friend, then he would have taken the time and effort to drive out to visit me. Note too that I have driven out to Chicago TWICE, to visit him.

Two years into my program, my mother was involved in a head-on collision auto accident back at home. I also did not feel connected to my classmates and some of the instructors within my dental program were really mean, racist and discriminatory. Hence, I withdrew from the program and moved back home because I was really depressed.

I took care of my mother for about a month. Thank God that she never died or get severely injured from the accident.

I then switched into another program within my home state.

When I moved back home, we also moved out of our former house, and into a brand new two-story house in another area, inside the downtown area. Lovely location.

Came Christmas/winter season of 2011, bryce decided to take a trip back home to visit his parents, and eh, also visit me for a lunch get-together.

I told him that i no longer had a car, since it was four months after moving back home from Iowa. Hence, I told him to pick me up at my new house.
When he picked me up at my new house, he held up his smart phone, and showed me his "Zillow" real estate app.

He said for me to look at the Zillow app, as even if my (actually parents') five-bedroom house was nice and new, his folks' old one-story three-bedroom brick house was worth more. WTF was that for?
Again, his "I'm better than you" mentality. That really irked me.
Note though, that we rent our downstair unit, which is potential income for my parents, where as bryce has a one-story house, old looking, and has a slightly higher value, because of his neighborhood.

Fast forward to July 2012, bryce got married to his GF, cindy, in my home town. I was mailed an invitation to attend his wedding and wedding dinner at a lavish/expensive hotel (again, him showing off his parents' wealth). I mailed him $40.00 as a gift, because I was still in school, and literally, not working at that time. So I did not have a lot of money to dole out. But hey, at least I gave bryce something for his wedding.

When I went to his wedding, his "other" friends and his siblings, younger sister and older brother, gave me stink eyes. I then found out later, through the grape vine, that the $40.00 was insufficient compared to the "larger" amounts he got from his "wealthy" relatives. Basically, bryce was not happy that I gave him $40.00. Ah, boo hoo!

At his wedding dinner, I was seated at a separate table, FAR away from the main table where bryce and his bride, cindy, as well as his "good" friends were seated.

I say "good" friends because these so-called friends of bryce were general surgeons and doctors/physicians. I guess bryce had a "hierarchy" of friends, and I was a low-ranking sh-tty friend, and found out that dirty/ugly reality at his wedding dinner.

After everybody at the wedding party ate their dinner, bryce's parents and cindy's parents had a slide show presentation. The slide show presentation had pictures from bryce's childhood to his high school years, his college years, and many pictures of him and cindy going on trips to mexico, france, india, taiwan, etc. He showed plenty of pictures of his college roommates, many of them who probably were smart enough to cut their friend ties with him, as NONE of them showed up to his wedding ceremony or party.

Then, *gasp*, his slide show presentation only showed ONE freaking picture of me. Wow, just wow! Then he had numerous numbers of photos of him with his physician friends - the ones who got to sit next to him and cindy at the dinner. *shakes head*

Stupid me, I still kept in touch with him, and sent him Starbucks gift card for Christmas gifts. The last time I sent him a Christmas gift was in Dec 2013.

Fast foward to Aug 2014, I graduated from my nurse practitioner program in May of last year, and bryce was going to be in town visiting his parents and relatives. Hence, we met up for lunch in August of last year. However, compared to the past where I was eager to meet up with him, I was hesitant to meet up with him, last year.

I forgot to state earlier that when we have met up for lunch or dinner get-togethers in the past, we usually split the meal cost between us two.

Guess what? The lunch conversation was all about him, him and himself. Did I say himself?!
Yup, all about bryce finishing his anesthesiology program, and becoming a "wealthy" doctor. Him and his "oh, anesthesiologists make $300K on average."
He also bragged about him and his wife, cindy, buying a "large mansion" somewhere in Seattle, WA.

Then bryce had to rub it in my face that "Starbucks gift cards are not valuable," because his wife, cindy, got a lot of them from her clients at her work place.

This was to rub it in my face that my Starbucks gift cards for Christmas, were worthless.

Then the meal check came from the waitress after we completed our lunch. I then took out cash in the amount for my portion of the lunch meal. Then bryce said, "what, you aren't going to buy me lunch?" Seriously kid?!!

He ended up being sulky and paid for both of our lunch with his "platinum" credit card.

That was the last time I met with bryce, or heard from him. He really pissed me off that day expecting me to pay for the full lunch.

When it was Christmas of 2014, I didn't even bother sending him anything.
Especially since he rubbed it in my face that the Starbucks gift cards that I mailed him were "worthless."

Sorry fellow SAS brothers and sisters, I know this is a very long and winded posting of mine.

But I am sick and tired of so-called "friends" who try to take advantage of you, or look down on you, because he or she has better qualities or resources, in life. I should have known better and had the courage to cut ties.

However, in the past, I was very concerned about the "number" of friends I had, versus the "quality" of friends in my circle.

Yes, bryce is a doctor, and he is married with a wife, and maybe already has a child by now. Me? I am still beginning my career working at a hospital, and not even at my career goal yet (read my other threads). I am not even married yet, but just dating somebody whom my mother's friend recommended I date.


I have a small limited pool of friends, maybe because I'm nit-picky. But there are times, such as with the example of bryce, where I just have to cut my ties with fake two-faced friends.
And because of me now being more vigilant and picky about whom I hang out with or whom I can truly call a friend, I have a few/small number of real friends that I can truly trust.

 

[Greenish]

This could not have been a pleasant experience for you, but good on you for making this decision.

Maintaining friendships take a lot of time and effort and none of us have the energy to have more than a few really close friends. I see nothing wrong with what your doing and believe you're in a great position. Please don't be too critical of yourself.

 

[lonelydoc]

You're experience really resonates with me. The details of what you are describing seem like they are the exact ones I've had with some of my so called friends.

What you are describing is the encounter with the life form known as "Homo Americanus". Homo Americanus can be identified by the following: big talk, lack of care for others, obsessed with money and status, believing himself to be above other humans and even a god, and ready to trample all of nature, other countries, and everybody else in his own country in the quest for unlimited dollars and power.

But no worries. The actions of Homo Americanus dooms him to defeat, like the Romans of old, like the British, like the Nazis, like the Soviets. It's exactly at the peak that he believes his lifestyle will go on forever, and it's exactly at the peak that the decine sets in. Eventually people learn to ignore the bullies, and the bullies finally turn on themselves and destroy each other in an orgy of violence.

So my advice is to find friends and interests that are separate from those of Homo Americanus, because those are the ones that are worthwhile and will stand the test of time.

 

[VanillaCreme]

lonelydoc, if you feel the need to insult people and whole countries, do yourself a favor, and don't. Next time I see this type of behavior will result in a vacation for you. Thanks.

 

[TheLonelyNomad]

This could not have been a pleasant experience for you, but good on you for making this decision.

Maintaining friendships take a lot of time and effort and none of us have the energy to have more than a few really close friends. I see nothing wrong with what your doing and believe you're in a great position. Please don't be too critical of yourself.

Hi Greenish.

Well, it took some courage to finally tell myself to set a distance between me and that so-called friend. I thought things were going to be okay, but it seems that since he's no longer living in my area, and that he's now married, I think it's time to call it a quits on our friendship. Although I have not explicitly told him that.

I really didn't like his attitude, and the way he was bragging about his career being an anesthesiologist versus me going into nurse practitioner, had me sit separate from his table at his wedding dinner (whereas his doctor friends got to sit with him and his bride, cindy), and he was hinting at me that he didn't appreciate my Starbucks gift card for Christmas present.

Thanks for your feedback and empathy!

---

You're experience really resonates with me. The details of what you are describing seem like they are the exact ones I've had with some of my so called friends.

What you are describing is the encounter with the life form known as "Homo Americanus". Homo Americanus can be identified by the following: big talk, lack of care for others, obsessed with money and status, believing himself to be above other humans and even a god, and ready to trample all of nature, other countries, and everybody else in his own country in the quest for unlimited dollars and power.

But no worries. The actions of Homo Americanus dooms him to defeat, like the Romans of old, like the British, like the Nazis, like the Soviets. It's exactly at the peak that he believes his lifestyle will go on forever, and it's exactly at the peak that the decine sets in. Eventually people learn to ignore the bullies, and the bullies finally turn on themselves and destroy each other in an orgy of violence.

So my advice is to find friends and interests that are separate from those of Homo Americanus, because those are the ones that are worthwhile and will stand the test of time.

Hey lonelydoc, sorry to hear about your same/similar experiences that you and I have experienced with our friends.

I'm curious are you originally from outside the US? It seems that you have emigrated to the US for school (med school, your username?) or work, and have found it difficult to connect with your average American.

I hope you find better and honest friends who can help you out.

Unfortunately, in this day of age, people care more about your prestige, your money, your community status. Basically materialistic nature of friendship.

 

[lonelydoc]

This could not have been a pleasant experience for you, but good on you for making this decision.

Maintaining friendships take a lot of time and effort and none of us have the energy to have more than a few really close friends. I see nothing wrong with what your doing and believe you're in a great position. Please don't be too critical of yourself.

Hi Greenish.

Well, it took some courage to finally tell myself to set a distance between me and that so-called friend. I thought things were going to be okay, but it seems that since he's no longer living in my area, and that he's now married, I think it's time to call it a quits on our friendship. Although I have not explicitly told him that.

I really didn't like his attitude, and the way he was bragging about his career being an anesthesiologist versus me going into nurse practitioner, had me sit separate from his table at his wedding dinner (whereas his doctor friends got to sit with him and his bride, cindy), and he was hinting at me that he didn't appreciate my Starbucks gift card for Christmas present.

Thanks for your feedback and empathy!

---

You're experience really resonates with me. The details of what you are describing seem like they are the exact ones I've had with some of my so called friends.

What you are describing is the encounter with the life form known as "Homo Americanus". Homo Americanus can be identified by the following: big talk, lack of care for others, obsessed with money and status, believing himself to be above other humans and even a god, and ready to trample all of nature, other countries, and everybody else in his own country in the quest for unlimited dollars and power.

But no worries. The actions of Homo Americanus dooms him to defeat, like the Romans of old, like the British, like the Nazis, like the Soviets. It's exactly at the peak that he believes his lifestyle will go on forever, and it's exactly at the peak that the decine sets in. Eventually people learn to ignore the bullies, and the bullies finally turn on themselves and destroy each other in an orgy of violence.

So my advice is to find friends and interests that are separate from those of Homo Americanus, because those are the ones that are worthwhile and will stand the test of time.

Hey lonelydoc, sorry to hear about your same/similar experiences that you and I have experienced with our friends.

I'm curious are you originally from outside the US? It seems that you have emigrated to the US for school (med school, your username?) or work, and have found it difficult to connect with your average American.

I hope you find better and honest friends who can help you out.

Unfortunately, in this day of age, people care more about your prestige, your money, your community status. Basically materialistic nature of friendship.

---

No I'm 100% American. But it's just that I'm a loner, a little bit of a contrarian, I see the absurdities of our society. Let me make the analogy again. I'm like a Roman who sees the empire crumbling, but there's nothing I can do but comment on it.

Vanillacreme, I was helping the poster to understand his situation, to elucidate in a humorous manner. So be it if I stand guilty of that.

 

[Darrell_Licht]

You posted this in SAS as well?

This Bryce sounds like a complete egomaniac. I have a family member like that. I regret that I utilized some of their 'connections' in the past. I Haven't spoken to them in a few years. They don't seem to be affected by this at all. Which alleviates any guilty conscience to me. I can assure you this Bryce probably gets a mighty high from his flatulence he probably hasn't noticed if you dropped out of his radar.

I think if you have at least one good friend or someone you can converse with and not have to put on a particular persona, that's pretty darn lucky imo. You'll find though as each of you go about your pursuits, you won't have that much time for each other anyway. I guess this is the part where sustenance of a spouse is supposed to come in.. well, good luck regardless.

 

[Morse Code]

It's better, trust me. Toxic people are like cancer.

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from this one friend. I've would have done the same thing.

 

[TheLonelyNomad]

You posted this in SAS as well?

^^ No don't know what that this. What is SAS?

This Bryce sounds like a complete egomaniac. I have a family member like that. I regret that I utilized some of their 'connections' in the past. I Haven't spoken to them in a few years. They don't seem to be affected by this at all. Which alleviates any guilty conscience to me. I can assure you this Bryce probably gets a mighty high from his flatulence he probably hasn't noticed if you dropped out of his radar.

Yeah, during the middle of our friendship relationship, I got a feeling that he was patronizing me. He think he's "all that" because of his biomed degree, and that he was studying to become an anesthesiologist, which he currently is.
I hate to sound angry and bitter, but I hope he f--ks up on one of his patients in the near future.

I think if you have at least one good friend or someone you can converse with and not have to put on a particular persona, that's pretty darn lucky imo. You'll find though as each of you go about your pursuits, you won't have that much time for each other anyway. I guess this is the part where sustenance of a spouse is supposed to come in.. well, good luck regardless.

For me, I'm not married yet. I am just dating this girl whom I was introduced to by mother and her friends, who knew another lady with a "single daughter." LOL.
But it's true that once we go about our lives, and with my current job, and future job prospect of advancing in my field, I don't really have time to hang out like I did in high school and college.

Plus that ex-friend of mine now lives in Seattle in his "big house", and probably won't come back to my area. So I could care less about him.

---

It's better, trust me. Toxic people are like cancer.

Thank you, Morse Code.

After being invited to bryce's wedding ceremony and at his wedding dinner, I felt left out, and felt like a second-tier friend to him, because his "physician" friends were seated next to him, whereas I was seated away from his table.

Plus he's now living away from me, and I bet that he will not come back to my area.

Better for me to make new alliances and relationship with others I may meet.

---

I think you did the right thing by distancing yourself from this one friend. I've would have done the same thing.

Thanks WallflowerGirl!

 

[TheLonelyNomad]

Hey fellow LL buddies.

I think this is hilarious. But this so-called friend of mine is in town with his wife for the weekend until Wednesday, and he called me! Wow just wow!

He said he wants to hang out for dinner. I feel very odd, given that he hardly emailed me or we hardly kept in touch after that sh-tty wedding reception and dinner of his almost three years ago.

No dinner. But we agreed on having coffee and tea together tonight. LOL!

I find it "odd" that he only calls me when he's in town visiting his parents.

 

[VanillaCreme]

It may be odd, but you accepted. You didn't have to.

 

[Lost Drifter]

I'm not sure of the problem here; that your friend is overly competitive or that you feel a little resentment towards him growing up and expanding his social circle?

If the former then I'd imagine it's something you've had to experience for years and sadly, just part of his personality. The latter, yeah, I can also imagine how that would feel almost like a betrayal. I know in my case all my childhood friends chose to ditch me once I went to college (they didn't) yet remain together as a close gang today. It's like only my membership to the group expired and it feels like a knife in the back.

At least this friend of yours seems keen to continue your friendship but I think you're going to have to make it clear you don't want his bullshit. Be his friend yes, but if he's going to make you feel like crap then he needs to know that it's not going to continue. He can't pick and choose when he treats you with respect, that's not being a real friend at all.

 

[Sometimes]

Please do post about how this goes. I'd like to hear about it.

I'd like to say that this guy has a deep seated inferiority complex, to be constantly on guard for ways to prove that he is superior. I've got a whole side of my family that turn get togethers into competition-fests. I can't handle it, personally.

Also, he seems disturbed by the fact that you aren't playing by the rules that are familiar to him, and is trying to use shaming to get you into line - ie; the starbucks christmas card, the fact that you don't try to prove you are as good as him by demanding to pick up the check. It seems to make him step up his efforts, to force you to "see" how to be.

I can imagine why he wouldn't come to see you often - he probably can't handle expanding his understanding past the circumscribed life he is living within, in which all members support his viewpoint. I'm not trying to make him into a bad guy, but in some ways, lonely people are much more free to be.

 

[TheLonelyNomad]

Please do post about how this goes. I'd like to hear about it.

I'd like to say that this guy has a deep seated inferiority complex, to be constantly on guard for ways to prove that he is superior. I've got a whole side of my family that turn get togethers into competition-fests. I can't handle it, personally.

Also, he seems disturbed by the fact that you aren't playing by the rules that are familiar to him, and is trying to use shaming to get you into line - ie; the starbucks christmas card, the fact that you don't try to prove you are as good as him by demanding to pick up the check. It seems to make him step up his efforts, to force you to "see" how to be.

I can imagine why he wouldn't come to see you often - he probably can't handle expanding his understanding past the circumscribed life he is living within, in which all members support his viewpoint. I'm not trying to make him into a bad guy, but in some ways, lonely people are much more free to be.

Hey Sometimes. So my meet-up with this so-called friend went okay. In fact this time around, he showed up with his wife Cindy (I still can't believe she's his wife, LOL!).

Anyhow, the meet-up consisted mainly of his accomplishments of being a anesthesiologist at some large hospital in the Seattle area. And *sigh* about his nice house that he spent $70,000-$90,000 to renovate.
He also told (more like bragged) to me about how he bought a book from Home Depot to teach himself how to install electrical devices in his new renovated house, so that he can use his smart phone to control when to turn on the lights before he gets home, when to turn off his lights while he is out of town, etc. He was like "see, if I press on this button on my smart phone, I can turn off the garage light while I'm 2500 miles away from home. I'm like "oookkaaayyy, good for you."

In actuality, he admitted that he hired several handy-men to fix his house. So it's not like he installed all the electrical devices to turn his house lights on or off, with the touch of his smart phone.

He also rambled on about how I am wasting my time living here, because I am working a menial hospital nurse aide job, where I can move up to his area, and work a real nursing job (since I did graduate from a BSN program about a year ago). So he did have a good point. It's just that he sounded a bit condescending.

Him and his wife were going to leave my area the following day to go on an "unplanned" (oooh, unplanned, big whoop!) trip to Guam or Saipan. Basically, the keyword "unplanned" plane trip to Guam or Saipan meant that he was dishing out a crapload of money to buy the plane ticket and hotel reservation for him and his wife.

---

I'm not sure of the problem here; that your friend is overly competitive or that you feel a little resentment towards him growing up and expanding his social circle?

If the former then I'd imagine it's something you've had to experience for years and sadly, just part of his personality. The latter, yeah, I can also imagine how that would feel almost like a betrayal. I know in my case all my childhood friends chose to ditch me once I went to college (they didn't) yet remain together as a close gang today. It's like only my membership to the group expired and it feels like a knife in the back.

At least this friend of yours seems keen to continue your friendship but I think you're going to have to make it clear you don't want his bullshit. Be his friend yes, but if he's going to make you feel like crap then he needs to know that it's not going to continue. He can't pick and choose when he treats you with respect, that's not being a real friend at all.

I don't think bryce is an overly competitive person.

He just has a tendency to brag about his accomplishments, and tries to put me down.

Not just that, but if you've read my original post about how I was treated at his wedding dinner reception, he seems to have a "hierarchy" of friends.

His surgeon and/or physician friends got to go up to the stage and talk about their friendship with him, whereas me?

I sat at a separate table, far away from where bryce, his parents, cindy's parents, and his "physician" friends were seated.

Yes, I am still angry and bitter at the way I was treated at his wedding dinner reception nearly four years ago (since he got married on July 7th).


At our most-recent meet-up two weeks ago, he seemed a little more mellow.
He seemed to put me down because of my current job. I am trying to get into a nursing residency program at the hospital I work at.
He kept trying to have this overtone in his conversation that I'm dumb for wasting my time working here as an aide, where I have an RN license, and could be making more money if i were to move up to his area (Seattle area), and work there. He does have a good point. It's just the way he was putting me down in front of his wife that really irked me, and psychologically, makes me not enjoy my current job (like I look at my current position in a negative way).

I did state to him that I don't like his BS of putting me down. He seemed to hunker down a little more this time around.

I hardly see him because he's busy working, and I hardly email him, because of course, he's married, and spends more time with his wife, than with me. Or maybe he spends more time with his other "more important doctor/physician" friends, than me. Who knows?

 

[Jafo]

As I say, friends, who needs them? I got rid of all mine. Hell with them.