Greetings

[BoringGirl]

Hi everyone,

Not sure where to start.....name's Gemma btw.



I guess I'm just tired of being lonely; I work in the music industry and meet people constantly, but none ever become friends.

I'm starting to wonder if there is anyone out there who is like me. I've been taken for a ride one too many times, and I think it's made me too afraid or cynical to find new friends/partner etc. I'm starting to think I'm just too different/boring/whatever and that's why people don't seem to like me, they just use me.

Anyhoo; I'm hoping that this will help solve that....

 

[Pezza]

Welcome to the Forum

 

[BoringGirl]

*facepalm*

ok, didn't realise it posted twice.....*sigh*

Thanks for the hello

 

[EveWasFramed]

*facepalm*

ok, didn't realise it posted twice.....*sigh*

I fixed that for you.

Also, welcome to the forum.

 

[sunshinemisa]

Hi and welcome!

After the loss of my "close group of friends" I had trust issues and when I tried to open up and make friends I was taken for many rides. Don't give up and keep trying. It's hard, I know but, you will find people who don't take you for granted. I recognized that when I lacked self confidence in myself that's when I was usually taken for a ride.

Try to stay positive and don't give up.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Welcome BoringGirl

 

[BoringGirl]

Thanks for fixing that!!! I did feel such a heel!

Thanks sunshinemisa, that's really kind of you to say that. I have found the last couple of years, since my marriage broke up (which is all good, he and I are still very good friends) my actual friends just all slowly shuffled away. Then I wound up with boyfriends who treated me rather poorly.... actually, really poorly.

I got a call from one of my few uni friends today which really helped. It's funny, the ones you think are your good friends aren't, and the ones you don't necessarily expect kindness from turn out to be the ones who care the most.

I'm very glad I found this page It's so nice to connect with others who have the same issues. It's really nice to find people who'll take time out of their day to help people they don't know. Reminds you there is real kindness in the world still

---

oh, and thanks for all the awesome welcome messages from everyone!

 

[Lonely in BC]

Hey there BoringGirl, there's some pretty cool people here to talk too, I see a couple of them have already responded.

About the name- I'd bet bucks you're not!

 

[IambicBlonde]

Hello, Gemma! Thank you for coming here and telling us how you feel. It can feel silly, at first, posting to complete strangers your feelings and fears but we're all glad that you did. We're here to listen, help, whatever you need. As for what you wrote, look, I don't know you but from what I read the one thing I wondered was - could it be you're consciously or unconsciously attracting the wrong people? Be they friends or boyfriends. Or are in the wrong lifestyle for your personality type? I don't like to psycho-analyze people, and that's not what I'm doing. Just curious though.

The one thing I do know for sure is that there are people like you out there. The kind of people you're looking for. No one is completely unique as to be foreign from every other personality. Perhaps you're just not giving those particular people a chance, or are too surrounded by people opposite your personality that you're unable to meet the ones you would like. Based on your articulation alone I can tell you're an intelligent girl who probably has many things to offer others. So that's not even an issue. Hopefully you find some of those people eventually. Perhaps on here. In any case, I wish you the best!

 

[BoringGirl]

Thanks guys; I tended towards the "boring" moniker as it seemed to me that the people I hang out with are just getting bored of me. Mind you, that could be because people change and grow apart etc.

IambicBlonde; I wonder about that all the time. The self esteem/self loathing issues I have stem right back from childhood when even the people I went to school with rejected me. The older I get the more I realise it's because I am just not like other people, and so maybe that was why. I think where I live has something to do with it too... I used to get a lot of negative feedback from others, so I think that helped contribute. You can psychoanalyse all you like lol; I'm used to it hahaha!!

Thanks for saying I'm articulate; it's very nice of you to say that I thought I was attracting the right people; well, that was until the last idiot I dated. We were very similar (or so I thought); similar attitudes to life, political views etc, it's just he forget to mention to me that he wasn't interested in relationships, and that he was going to sleep with other women while maintaining the facade that we were a couple.... not a great thing :/

I guess I'm now caught in a bind as so many people (no one here of course!) have told me how to act, how to look, how to think, that I get a bit lost when I try to put my finger on who I am.

---

and thanks LonelyinBC; I try not to be I just work too much and so don't get out a lot....gosh darn it!

 

[IambicBlonde]

It's unfortunate about the relationship; that sucks. :-( Or maybe not. At least you found out eventually who he was. It's interesting you mentioned him being similar to you. Just recently I had fallen in love with someone who had almost no shared interests with me. We had vastly different lifestyles; were complete opposites. But the thing we each fell in love with was the curiosity and appreciation with which we both had for one another's intellect and humanity. We delved deep into the why's and the how's of us. Connecting on a level I'd never known before. Ultimately other circumstances arose and we sadly, amicably broke it off. But it reminded me what you wrote above (paraphrasing) about how the unexpected ones turn out to be the ones that matter the most. Funny that. Were just lucky enough to have met at the right place, right time. Unfortunately no one can plan for that, but it could happen for you someday. I recommend keeping your karma clean, ha.

I feel for you in the self-loathing/self-esteem department. It's one of those things where it doesn't matter if someone is able to identify the problem or its source, it still continues to exist despite the self-awareness. Maybe it takes family/friends/significant others to pull us out of the rut. Or find some way to inch up out of the hole ourselves. *Shrugs* I envy your job though. Wanna trade places for a day? ;-) Are the people intimidating? The music scene is full of loud, colorful personalities both enchanting and overwhelming. That you manage at all is pretty awesome.

By the way, you're the furthest thing from boring. I barely know you and I can tell that. As far as the friend thing goes, are you for sure they're pulling away or do you think you're maybe pulling away from them? Perhaps you're just hyper-sensitive, hyper-aware like the rest of us; mindful of the minute things that most don't bother to notice. Or maybe it's time to meet new friends. Easy, right?! Well that's why we're here.

 

[BoringGirl]

It was unfortunate; well, not really. Now I know how much a loser (loser: see drug addict, alcoholic, neglectful father and human being) he is, it's occurred to me that we have very little in common. I try to do the best by other people, he uses them for all he can get. Not a very good attribute. I'm lucky he only fleeced me for four months. I found an sms from another woman on his phone at 2:30am one morning....

My ex-husband and I are like that; we met many many years ago, and at first it was the differences between us that made it all fun. We were together for 12 years, and now we've separated, we're really great friends. Well, he's still a grumble, but we get along so much better. It's nice that I'm friends with his new partner too. She's really lovely and we have great chats when she comes over to see him (oh, you see he and I still live together as we can't afford to move out so we stay here so neither of us end up stuck and homeless. Darn Australia and it's expensive property prices!!)

I've had heaps of counselling; lots of help to try and have more self esteem. But I think when the bullying starts from a very young age, and comes from family members as well as your peers, it becomes part of you. So many people say to me "to love someone else, you have to love yourself first". I sometimes want to scream when I hear that. Instead I tend to just quietly cry. Even why I try to explain why I don't love myself they tell me it's easy to do it; but they never realise it's easier said than done. I've had quite a bit of trauma in my life (I won't go into it, it's just the same old...) so I think that adds to it all. You know what I mean; when you get physically/emotionally/etc abused throughout your life you just start to believe the hype....

Oh I'll swap you for a day lol. Sooooo many prima donnas lol. I'm pretty loud and outgoing (but quintessentially shy), so I tend to mix well with those people, but their shallowness tends to make me leave them at arms length. The music industry moves at a million miles an hour, so it tends to be most nights spent online trying to make things fall into place (recording sessions, gigs, photo shoots......lol). You can be my PA hahahaha

Awwww thanks I try to be as interesting as I can be, but I see people roll their eyes when I talk, so I figure I'm boring. I don't know. Maybe that's all part of the loathing thing. I always want what's best for my friends, but I find they tend to slowly disappear. People don't call me, I always have to call them or months would pass without me talking to them. I've got one "friend" who calls me his "bestie" but I haven't seen him for three months. I think I've always had to chase people so they'll actually hang out with me, so maybe I'm going about it all the wrong way. I am admittedly starting to get to the point where if people don't make an effort, I just fade into the distance. Downside is my mind adds them to the "didn't want to be around me" list. It's a stupid cycle to be stuck in :/ I've had people tell me I notice stuff others don't, so you may well be right. And I'm always up for new friends.....and this is a great place to do it I'm noticing

 

[IambicBlonde]

You've led quite the amazing life. It truly is. Though we all have our hardships, to endure yours with your spirit still intact is quite the accomplishment. I have to wonder though, doesn't it feel at all unusual to still be living with your ex? I know you're pretty much forced to, but with all that history and having to literally see him move on with another - it would be tough for me, friends or not. I guess we all adapt to a new normal to help us cope. Being able to transform the unconventional or peculiar into the ordinary. I know I had to under eight years of George Bush. That took some doing!

I can't say that I relate to the bullying. From your family, as well? ****. I can only imagine how that must've been. If you'd like to talk about it more here or elsewhere I'd be happy to oblige. I promise to offer zero platitudes, lol. Though I've never experienced any kind of trauma like yours, I have had to deal with problems concerning excessive detachment. Seclusion, basically. And I've often gotten similar advice from people. However well-intentioned or sensible they may seem it still comes from a place they have no concept of comprehending. So whenever I hear it I just smile and nod. I've learned not to waste time explaining; it's just more exhaustion. Especially when the other person is just waiting for their turn to speak in hopes of "fixing" you in the few minutes they spend in your company, lol. *Smiles and nods*

Personal Assistant, eh? So basically I do all of the leg work while you sit with your feet up and headphones on. Hmm, I'll pass. Actually, as you explain your job more I'm thinking it's a little too fast for my blonde bubble brain to take in. Besides, my job would bore you to tears. I work in a lumber yard. But on the plus side, I work exclusively with men. Big, burly, single men. On the downside, they smell like they work at a lumber yard, lol. However another plus, you'd be the most interesting person among them. You'd have no problems keeping their attention. ;-) Out of curiosity though, in regards to the friends and people still in your life, did you meet them via your job/music industry? Or are they from all different points of your life. For me I've met one or two special people at various times in my life from some of the strangest places I never would have imagined being. It helps to stray outside the box sometimes.

 

[joejoeyjoseph]

I guess I'm now caught in a bind as so many people (no one here of course!) have told me how to act, how to look, how to think, that I get a bit lost when I try to put my finger on who I am.

Welcome! Peer pressure is strong out there! A lot of people go into social regression. What I've learned to do that may help you is to just strip the color out of situations that come up. Things that used to stress me out or seem to be really important because others say so. It's really up to me to interpret the world around me and with that comes the responsibility of my own mental health because at the end of the day, these things really add up and affect our moods and interactions with others.

Having said that, you have a wonderful opportunity to start fresh! And you have a job! Nice!

Here's some great talks that are free. The guy has a funny voice but the messages are clear. Very good stuff. Have fun out there!

The Six Fears [FREE DOWNLOAD] - Rodney Smith

 

[BoringGirl]

Thanks IambicBlonde; I try to keep a brave face, although, lately I have found that my spirits have been a little overwhelmed lately. I see people in relationships/with kids, and I sometimes question why did I have to take the harder road.... Living with the ex was hard for the first 6-12 months, but now it's become more of a housemate relationship. He still tried to boss me round, but I tell him where to get off. The only hard part about it is that he was the person who crushed my ego the most, so I have to ignore him a lot to keep sane. Or at least to have some semblance of sanity Ewwwww eight years of George Bush; that must have been hard. We had his glove puppet as a Prime Minister for 12 years; it was nice to see the back of that little (insert derogatory term of your choice here).....

Thanks for the offer; I may well take you up on that one day. It's hard when people, who genuinely mean well, try to make things "better" with idioms. I know they just want to help, but sometimes it's hard to explain why you are the way you are, you know? And they can't imagine what it's like to get to the point where you don't want people around....or if you do, not shallow, hurtful people.

Hahahahahaha oh I'd only give you the boring stuff to do lol! Ah it's not too hard to do, just bark at people a lot. And coordinate musicians..... not always an easy task I worked in wholesale nurseries for a while, so I know what you mean. All boys, and smelly ones at that.

The friends I have I've sort of "collected" through the years. I have one from school, one from an old job, and a couple from uni (my most recent additions so to speak). I mostly find I'm the social reject in the room, so although I'm the loud one, on the inside its really uncomfortable. I had to go to counselling just to establish who I actually am; I thought everything I did was so strange it was making people dislike me. It does help to stray outside the box; I wouldn't be here if I didn't do it now and then. But I do find some social situs a bit awkward, so sometimes it's hard to cement new friendships.

Thanks JJJ for the words of support and the link. I was only just thinking about the exact same thing you've said on the way home from work. I drive a vintage car, and I normally end up with beefcakes in their mass produced death mobiles tailgating me because I can't do 2 million miles an hour. But today it occurred to me; who cares. Yes, in their reality they might not like that I'm stopping them from wrapping themselves around a tree, but it's not my problem. It was very refreshing to have a thought like that.