Help this poor misanthropic chap?

[Nessie]

I've always been misanthropic. As a little girl I always was, even if I didn't know the word for it. To sum up my early days of life (to spare you lot of a very long and dull story) I was neglected, bullied, and abused (only emotionally and psychologically). I have this burned foot. It used to make me feel ashamed because I didn't want people to see it. I used to think it would be an impediment in my quest for friendship. It wasn't. How often do people examine feet in judging a person's character? Never, lol. Alright but the problem doesn't concern my scars. It has to do with my interaction with people.

I don't have trouble making friends or striking the occasional conversation with people. I do, however, have trouble in keeping them. I know it has to do with my misanthropy. I become repulsed every time they are in my presence. I am filled with a deep loathing and I find myself dwelling on dark thoughts. My friends always come to me for advice. I like it but at the same time I detest it. I have to always restrain myself from saying the wrong things that could end up destroying them. They like me. I am a well respected and intelligent being. I was even told that I make an excellent role model. If they only knew the things that crossed my mind at the mention of these words. If only...

I am really trying to change my stripes but these feelings keep coming back. I made up my type of person that I'd like to be and so far I'm following just right. I just want to rid myself of these unfavorable characteristics. I've been to therapy twice but that only seems to fuel my restlessness. Does it help to add that I am bipolar? It makes me even worse. The only time in my life that I felt awful was when I felt nothing for an entire week. I could have died you know? Ever felt nothing? Personally I rather have every bone in my body broken than to experience such a horrendous thing as that.

So, my dear fellows, what advice or words of wisdom can you offer me?

 

[Sci-Fi]

I think you are doing fine. You keep them to yourself instead of, like you said, saying something to destroy them. Just keep reminding yourself that these friends, which sounds like you have some great ones, are not the ones that hurt you and abused you. Within time you will be able to separate the two and not have these feelings. You've probably built up a lot of mistrust over the years.

 

[Anten]

Do you fear rejection? Maybe you don't want people to close because you don't want to be cast aside.

 

[Nessie]

Do you fear rejection? Maybe you don't want people to close because you don't want to be cast aside.

I am fine in that aspect. I fear nothing other than myself.

Thank you both.

 

[sylvestris lybica]

When a negative thought comes into your mind about someone else, watch it. Watch it go by in your head, acknowledge it, but don't claim it as reality. I think that's what all that psychological residue from childhood does to people...it gives them an image of the world that isn't at all accurate. Try not to let yourself drift away from people because of thoughts that you have understood to have no bearing on reality.

I don't know if this will help you...this is what I try to do and sometimes its useful, other times not. It all depends on the kind of person you are, I guess.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

It might be also appropriate to mention that everyone has embarrassing or uncomfortable thoughts, and it's not necessarily just you that does it.

The next time you have these thoughts, though, try your best to push it out of your mind. Just think of something else, something better, and see if you can't escape it.

Don't let these thoughts become your reality, because your reality is whatever you make it.