L
Liz
Guest
I feel really fragile right now. I biked around the sunny city looking at all the people and wished that someone who speak to me. I sat on a park bench, two boys biked pasted, one yelled out to me “hey bike chick, what up?” We smiled at each other as he wizzed past. I wished they had stopped to talk. The guy at the comic book store spoke with me too. I spent nearly a half an hour combing the selves for the prefect escapism. He asked me what I was looking for. I replied that I wanted to find “something with a unique drawing style that’s existential.” He started at me confused. “Existential drawing style?? This may be something you have in your head.”
“No I mean the writing is existential.”
I then continued to explain that I had seen this book two weeks ago with a white cover and strange drawings with screen tones…. He stared at me even more baffled. While, I was speaking to him I knew I wasn’t making any sense… so I just stopped and apologized. I wished he hadn’t spoken to me.
I rarely speak to anyone other than my boyfriend these days. I’ve been dating him for 6 years, it’s not easy. He’s handsome, smart, funny, great at guitar, incredibly logical, has just graduated from college, has a good job, and he says he love me. Things should be perfect, but he’s my only friend and we rarely have sex (it’s weird). I have no one else to talk to, no one else to do things with. He has a small group of friends that he hangs out with. He rarely invites me, I can understand, he wants his own life. I’m jealous though. Often I feel like he just hangs out with me when no one else is around. When do hang out its watching a movie… or sleeping. He’s graduating from college and to celebrate he’s bringing some friends to his aunts cape house… I’m not invited. I feel bad. He has forgotten my birthday the last 2 years. I feel like I not a valued person. I look at how I’m looked at in the world and I realize, it’s true…. I live in my parents house, I have no friends, I’m dyslexic and after 5 years of college no marketable skills. I’m 23… my life is going no where.
Often I tell myself that I should help people less fortunate than myself. I see the state of the world and it makes me miserable. I done a lot of volunteering, I happy to help, but I don’t feel like I’m making any kind of real difference for people. I can see that the real problems stem from hirer up and my volunteering is like putting a tiny Band-Aid on someone who badly needs surgery. I feel helpless. I can’t even help myself. I cry all the time. Sometimes for no reason.
I’m majoring in art education. I made two friends in college, and both have moved away. I really thought college would be a place where I would meet lots of people and I’d find my sense of worth in life. It didn’t happen. I joined clubs, volunteering groups, the choir and nothing worked. I made a few acquaintances but nothing stuck. I’m not shy, but I have trouble saying what I want to say to people. It’s hard for me to think on the spot. I get uncomfortable in long conversations because I almost never have them. But I’m not afraid of people, I will talk if someone talks to me. In brief interactions people seem to like me. It’s just that I’m incredibly average… I give average conversations and I have an average appearance… and yet I don’t fit in anywhere. I want to say that there is something special about me, but there isn’t. I want to say there is a place for me, but I don’t think there is.
My family is a mess. No one talks to each other. It is understood by everyone in the family that my mother has a mental illness. She has no job and sits at the computer all day long looking up conspiracies theories. Some of the stuff she digs up I believe, but most I don’t… (crap like vampires are real, the government is using invisible spray machines to mind control us, demons live under our house). We hardly speak. My dad has shut down. He only talks business to me, with the occasional ***** about mom.
I think about killing myself everyday. Actually tried to do it once. I hung myself with a synthetic belt. Clearly nothing happened. I blacked out and the belt broke. I ended up on the floor, alive. That was eight years ago. I thought things would get better. I really wanted them to. I don’t know what to do now. I just keep waking up everyday… How long can a person live like this?
“No I mean the writing is existential.”
I then continued to explain that I had seen this book two weeks ago with a white cover and strange drawings with screen tones…. He stared at me even more baffled. While, I was speaking to him I knew I wasn’t making any sense… so I just stopped and apologized. I wished he hadn’t spoken to me.
I rarely speak to anyone other than my boyfriend these days. I’ve been dating him for 6 years, it’s not easy. He’s handsome, smart, funny, great at guitar, incredibly logical, has just graduated from college, has a good job, and he says he love me. Things should be perfect, but he’s my only friend and we rarely have sex (it’s weird). I have no one else to talk to, no one else to do things with. He has a small group of friends that he hangs out with. He rarely invites me, I can understand, he wants his own life. I’m jealous though. Often I feel like he just hangs out with me when no one else is around. When do hang out its watching a movie… or sleeping. He’s graduating from college and to celebrate he’s bringing some friends to his aunts cape house… I’m not invited. I feel bad. He has forgotten my birthday the last 2 years. I feel like I not a valued person. I look at how I’m looked at in the world and I realize, it’s true…. I live in my parents house, I have no friends, I’m dyslexic and after 5 years of college no marketable skills. I’m 23… my life is going no where.
Often I tell myself that I should help people less fortunate than myself. I see the state of the world and it makes me miserable. I done a lot of volunteering, I happy to help, but I don’t feel like I’m making any kind of real difference for people. I can see that the real problems stem from hirer up and my volunteering is like putting a tiny Band-Aid on someone who badly needs surgery. I feel helpless. I can’t even help myself. I cry all the time. Sometimes for no reason.
I’m majoring in art education. I made two friends in college, and both have moved away. I really thought college would be a place where I would meet lots of people and I’d find my sense of worth in life. It didn’t happen. I joined clubs, volunteering groups, the choir and nothing worked. I made a few acquaintances but nothing stuck. I’m not shy, but I have trouble saying what I want to say to people. It’s hard for me to think on the spot. I get uncomfortable in long conversations because I almost never have them. But I’m not afraid of people, I will talk if someone talks to me. In brief interactions people seem to like me. It’s just that I’m incredibly average… I give average conversations and I have an average appearance… and yet I don’t fit in anywhere. I want to say that there is something special about me, but there isn’t. I want to say there is a place for me, but I don’t think there is.
My family is a mess. No one talks to each other. It is understood by everyone in the family that my mother has a mental illness. She has no job and sits at the computer all day long looking up conspiracies theories. Some of the stuff she digs up I believe, but most I don’t… (crap like vampires are real, the government is using invisible spray machines to mind control us, demons live under our house). We hardly speak. My dad has shut down. He only talks business to me, with the occasional ***** about mom.
I think about killing myself everyday. Actually tried to do it once. I hung myself with a synthetic belt. Clearly nothing happened. I blacked out and the belt broke. I ended up on the floor, alive. That was eight years ago. I thought things would get better. I really wanted them to. I don’t know what to do now. I just keep waking up everyday… How long can a person live like this?