My life has been honeysuckle for as far back as I can remember , now I am 30 years old and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I don't think I have any happy memories, the only memories of my past that I have are negative, depressing, embarrassing and painful; I just feel like blowing my brains out...if only I had a gun:club:. But it is usually just an emotion that is associated with the memory and I cannot justify it on many occasions, as I don't remember how I got to feel that way. It feels like the detail of the memories are lost but the negative emotions still remain. I have never seen a psychologist/therapist/counsellor in all my life, even though I was offered on many occasions when I was at school/university because I was in trouble for not attending class or not doing work.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore, I have a job and earn an average wage; though the job is only temporary and I only got it through an ex-colleague of mine working there who also put in a good word for me. But I really have no friends...I feel so alone, I live on my own, I never had a girl friend or any true friends. My family hates me...I hardly say a word to any of them (don’t ever remember having a nice conversation with any of them, the only time I speak to them is usually in an arguement where I try but fail to defend myself but end up being humiliated by them ). I am a total recluse even though I really don't want to be, I try to avoid contact with others as I know the outcome is 99.9% negative in my memories.
Everyday I go to work late (I am always late, I have been told off a few times though I never seem to learn). Then come back home, contemplate killing myself, talk aloud to myself as I have nobody else to talk to (usually in self-loathing way, shouting at myself for being a fresia up), though I don't seem to change as a person. Everyday is a similar routine; in the night I jack-off over porn several times and go to sleep. I think the sexual relief is the only form of pleasure I get, I guess it is the only thing keeping my depression from spiralling out of control, but when I think about what I do I feel so ashamed of myself.
I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD), as I feel so shy and find it incredibly difficult to talk to new people or in groups; I always feel negative about myself. I always try to avoid answering personal questions by work colleagues because I am too embarrassed of my lonely loser life. I also do not like divulging personal information to anybody face to face (as I am too embarrassed they might see through the mask). When I am at work I pretend to be happy with my fake smiles when somebody talks to me, in reality I hate myself and think about suicide even at work; I am always swearing under my breath (at myself). I feel I am such a loser and achieved fresia-all in the three decades I have parasitically existing on this planet.
My personal philosophy: I am a vegetarian - though I am not as true as I should be (e.g. I still eat eggs and egg products); I truly respect anybody who is vegan, I don't have that much mental strength to be one. I respect animals - at least I think I do (they have more right to exist on this planet than any human, and the right not to be exploited - but humans just exploit and murder them), the human species have destroyed this planet, made countless species extinct and continue to destroy and exploit the environment in which they live to the max. In fact because I am human and live in society I am equally to blame. I just wish there is a hell so I may rot in it for all eternity; so many innocent creatures (mainly insects) have died because of me, due to my ignorance and stupidity - for that I am truly sorry, my only reprieve (though not adequate) was that I never intended to cause harm to them. I am not religious, but if a god existing then surely it would not allow humans to be so evil or malicious to non-human life forms.
My thinking is so incoherent, I can not maintain a conversation with anybody...most of the time I run out of things to say. I can never win an argument as usually I am never sure of myself and I get really nervous - then cracks start showing. Sometimes my mask breaks down and the argument gets heated and I always look like a fool due to my inability to come out with good counter-arguments which leads me to repeat myself in lame way - I also hate the sound of my own voice.
There are many chapters to my life, the one above is the latest one, but there is much more to write about myself though I feel particularly emotionless today.
I don't know what to do with my life anymore, I have a job and earn an average wage; though the job is only temporary and I only got it through an ex-colleague of mine working there who also put in a good word for me. But I really have no friends...I feel so alone, I live on my own, I never had a girl friend or any true friends. My family hates me...I hardly say a word to any of them (don’t ever remember having a nice conversation with any of them, the only time I speak to them is usually in an arguement where I try but fail to defend myself but end up being humiliated by them ). I am a total recluse even though I really don't want to be, I try to avoid contact with others as I know the outcome is 99.9% negative in my memories.
Everyday I go to work late (I am always late, I have been told off a few times though I never seem to learn). Then come back home, contemplate killing myself, talk aloud to myself as I have nobody else to talk to (usually in self-loathing way, shouting at myself for being a fresia up), though I don't seem to change as a person. Everyday is a similar routine; in the night I jack-off over porn several times and go to sleep. I think the sexual relief is the only form of pleasure I get, I guess it is the only thing keeping my depression from spiralling out of control, but when I think about what I do I feel so ashamed of myself.
I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD), as I feel so shy and find it incredibly difficult to talk to new people or in groups; I always feel negative about myself. I always try to avoid answering personal questions by work colleagues because I am too embarrassed of my lonely loser life. I also do not like divulging personal information to anybody face to face (as I am too embarrassed they might see through the mask). When I am at work I pretend to be happy with my fake smiles when somebody talks to me, in reality I hate myself and think about suicide even at work; I am always swearing under my breath (at myself). I feel I am such a loser and achieved fresia-all in the three decades I have parasitically existing on this planet.
My personal philosophy: I am a vegetarian - though I am not as true as I should be (e.g. I still eat eggs and egg products); I truly respect anybody who is vegan, I don't have that much mental strength to be one. I respect animals - at least I think I do (they have more right to exist on this planet than any human, and the right not to be exploited - but humans just exploit and murder them), the human species have destroyed this planet, made countless species extinct and continue to destroy and exploit the environment in which they live to the max. In fact because I am human and live in society I am equally to blame. I just wish there is a hell so I may rot in it for all eternity; so many innocent creatures (mainly insects) have died because of me, due to my ignorance and stupidity - for that I am truly sorry, my only reprieve (though not adequate) was that I never intended to cause harm to them. I am not religious, but if a god existing then surely it would not allow humans to be so evil or malicious to non-human life forms.
My thinking is so incoherent, I can not maintain a conversation with anybody...most of the time I run out of things to say. I can never win an argument as usually I am never sure of myself and I get really nervous - then cracks start showing. Sometimes my mask breaks down and the argument gets heated and I always look like a fool due to my inability to come out with good counter-arguments which leads me to repeat myself in lame way - I also hate the sound of my own voice.
There are many chapters to my life, the one above is the latest one, but there is much more to write about myself though I feel particularly emotionless today.