I don't feel like I'm an expert here since I'm feeling basically in the same boat as the OP, but I will say this: I do believe there is some truth to the idea that self-confidence is important, particularly for a man trying to attract a woman. I've spent a considerable amount of time over the past two years searching all over the net, trying to understand how to attract women because I'm fed up with being single and involuntarily celibate, and with messing up with girls I like. And that's the thing that comes up time and time again, more than any other traits - even looks and money - self-confidence. When asked about what attracts them to a guy, I've seen more women answer "self-confidence" or some variation of it ("knows what he wants and goes for it", "ambitious", "motivated", etc.) than any other trait.
Other answers that come up frequently have been:
- the ability to hold a conversation, have something to talk about and show for yourself
- depth of personality/character
- uniqueness
- interesting/exciting
- intelligent
- have hobbies, interests, passions - a life of your own, interests other than sex and girls
- at least somewhat in shape, reasonably healthy but not necessarily a muscle head - in fact some I've seen some women say they are NOT attracted to extremely muscular guys
- direction in life, has themselves together
- decisive
- able to think of fun activities, show the woman a good time
- financial stability, though not necessarily wealth
- likes kids and/or animals
- emotionally strong and stable
- kindness
- respectful of others
- sense of humor, the ability to make the woman laugh
- positive attitude
In contrast, I have seen VERY few women say "must be rich", "must be tall, dark, and handsome", "must be sexually experienced", "must have muscles", "must have a sports or luxury car/truck/motorcycle/etc.", "must have such-and-such job", etc. Some women are picky about things like height, education level, and ethnicity/race, but the vast majority don't seem to be, or at least they don't state these things as the most important factor.
Another thing I will say is that women seem to find that having no self-confidence, seeing oneself as a victim, and neediness/clinginess as the most UNATTRACTIVE traits of all.
Again I don't claim to have all the answers here and I am still struggling with cultivating a lot of the good traits and getting rid of the bad ones. But these are the answers I have seen most often for what women want and what they don't. Personally, I've learned through lots of research and introspection that my lack of confidence and seeing myself as a victim and all the problems those things have caused have held me back the most from being the most attractive guy I can be.
There's got to be something we can do.