I'm not sure about this whole thing...

[Freakin_Amazin]

I just got in a relationship with this girl... she studies at the same university as I do and lives in the same apt. building so we got to know each other last semester and I was convinced enough that I decided to give ourselves a chance... But so far I haven't felt like I think would be normal. I had doubted this thing, didn't want to get into a relationship at first, but at the same time I didn't want to be alone. It got to a point where I decided to try it, I had really fallen in love with her, but now it seems (to me) that she's not as interested as I'd thought she'd be. It's really frustrating.

Things that would've been small to me, like leaving me behind to talk to friends, now seem alot bigger. I had a really bad relationship before, and all that just comes right back. Sometimes I honestly think it's just me. But then again, I'm not getting what I thought I'd get. I had a girl like me once, after my first gf, we never got together but she was really into me and liked to be with me at all times. That's what I really want; she is, right or wrong as this may be, the standard by which I judge all other girls. The girl I'm with now, we live far away from each other, but even so, I'm not getting the feeling she misses me that much, she's got other things to do, she goes out, whatever.

I read once that a typical relationship initially stays within itself and both persons just want to be with each other and no one else. I feel like I have never experienced this within a relationship. It's almost as if we came together, and she just assumes we've been together for years. She just goes ahead and talks to her friends without even inviting me... I feel left out. It's not like the first relationship I had where it was bad 90% of the time.... but it's not good enough. To me at least.

Am I being too harsh? I'm going to give this some time, so that maybe we can both figure out what we're doing. It doesn't help that my parents are always fighting, either. I feel depressed all the time and she's kind of a party girl, I'm feeling like I have to keep up with her, and I'm just really almost feeling sorry I took this decision. I don't want to see her suffer, but I'm just not feeling like this is working, not like I want it to work. I don't want to impose what I want on her because I feel that would be wrong, but at the same time it's not fair that I just don't feel happy. It's not fair to either of us. What should I do?

 

[LonelyDragon]

I'm not much for having good relationship advice so you can take this for whatever you feel it's worth.

First off, I don't think it's good to compare this relationship with your past one. She's not your ex and therefore won't behave/react/feel exactly like your ex.

The idea that "a typical relationship initially stays within itself and both persons just want to be with each other and no one else" is bull. While most of us here do find it hard to make friends and may tend to want to be around one person like that it isn't "normal". One partner expecting the other to give up their friends when they start seeing each other is at best unfair.

How long have you been seeing each other? Have you talked to her about how you feel?

 

[Freakin_Amazin]

I don't want her to give up her friends, I just don't like it when she's like, "Stay here while I talk to so and so". It irks me a bit, if I'm with her and someone I know walks in or whatever I take her with me. It's not like I got stuff to hide.

I just think I really need that part of the relationship where both just come together and want to be together all the time. It doesn't have to be the norm... it's just that's what I want.

We've been seeing each other since about September... she's just done things that I thought were indicative of the kind of person I wanted, but now it's cooled off. I don't get it, as far as I know (and I haven't directly asked but one of her friends which we both trust told me) I'm her first real bf, when I got my first gf I was ecstatic, I felt so good I was beside myself. She doesn't seem to display that, and it worries me, because then it might mean we're just not that close or compatible.

I think every person has unique requirements they need in order to be happy in a relationship. I didn't know what I really was after until my first experience, after that I knew the specific things I was after and the things I wanted to avoid. Well, it's been like before I officially told her I wanted to be with her she was really after me and after that she's cooled off and I don't get it. We should both be really happy right now.

Which brings me back to the girl I never got together with... I'm feeling so screwed up right now, I feel like darn, I should've tried with her instead. I know I wasn't ready at the time... and that bothers me. I feel like I'm not being fair to my gf when I think that, I haven't told her anything, but it bothers me that I think that way, because I shouldn't. I'm willing to do whatever for my gf, but would she do the same for me? Out of her own conviction, not because I done things for her you know? When I get into a relationship I go all the way... Maybe this is the problem. Maybe I should just chill, and let it happen instead of trying so hard... I really don't know.

 

[MiKeY]

I think Larry makes a good point. Each relationship has a unique and wonderful dynamic. Before you interpret things based solely on your feelings, why not try to consider her actions from her point of view? What do her friends offer that you don't/can't? Would you want to give up every friend or familiar activity you had just because she wanted you all to herself?

I understand the desire for that honeymoon period, so to speak. Being alone with someone is an incredible feeling of mutual affection, appreciation, etc. However, I think you're actually better off if she feels she can have you without having to give up everything else.

Why not talk to her? Just, tell her how you feel. Ask her for her opinion. I know it's hard to broach the subject, but, sometimes honest, frank, and open communication is the best way to resolve a minor glitch before it festers into something nasty and potentially toxic to a relationship.

 

[LonelyDragon]

honest, frank, and open communication

That right there is the key to any relationship.




That's a big part of my own problem. Working up the courage to ask questions I may not want the answers to.

 

[SilentThinker]

Sometimes I have a high expectations from my close friends.

They supposed to take attention and can be dangerous to relationships.

I was also not invited into a group because I was too quiet and rarely talked in the group.So do you faced this problem?

 

[Freakin_Amazin]

Well I haven't asked her but I'm not too quiet, so I don't think that's the case. Didn't call her yesterday just to see if she'd call (I'd called her for like 2 weeks straight). Nada.

 

[laur]

The only thing I can suggest is that you talk to her. Tell her that it irks you when she "ditches" you for her friends. Be understanding, and keep in mind that because the relationship is relatively new she may not be willing to share EVERYTHING with you (may explain why she'd like to talk to her friend without you). Not that she is necessarily hiding anything, but it may be a trust/comfortability issue that she has.

Talk to her, calmly and with an open-mind.

The worst that can happen is you get this off your chest and she doesn't like what you have to say.

If it's meant to be, it'll work out; if not, then at least you didn't sit in the dark being miserable any longer.

 

[LonelyDragon]

Going by what her friend told you it could simply be a case of her own inexperience. Again, talking it out would be the best course of action then too.

 

[Freakin_Amazin]

I of all people should have a trust issue with what happened to me before. I think this may be part of the problem... Little things no one cares about, I do. I don't want a relationship that's "normal" or "good" under the eyes of everyone. I want a relationship that's right, for me and for her.

 

[Freakin_Amazin]

I talked to her.... went into the conversation thinking this is something we can fix and came out of it thinking it's over. She tells me now she has a "crazy past" and that she was brought up to be that way. Same things my ex told me. She had told me before at a friends house to "not do anything for anyone" when I told her I would wake up at 6:30 am to drive her to class - for her. That sent alarm bells ringing like crazy. This time I had the guts to follow my intuition and talk to her about how I felt things should be... and boy, did she scare me with the things she told me. I wasn't even pissed off, I was just like "Oh no... Not again." I'm really, really frustrated, saddened, and depressed right now.

 

[NY8752]

I think I maybe in a similar predicament as you. I had been in a relationship before and got burned quite badly as I had been upfront with the person, but the other did not think to be upfront with me; it is only after I poked and prodded that the person finally came out and told me whatever it was that he had to say. I think you had mentioned that both of you live far a way from each other. How far away is the distance? Long distance relationships take work and its not like you can know what the other person is up to at every point during the day. If her friend has told you that this is her first relationship give her the benefit of the doubt and perhaps if she knows that you have been in a previous relationship you maybe be able to guide her along. Be upfront with what you want, I think any girl wants to know that from any guy;but don't let it end there just because you are being upfront doesn't mean that she shouldn't and you should ask questions of her. I don't know how long both of you have been together, but no one wants to be strung along and be taken in a direction that in the end maybe hurtful. I know its hard but just talk to her; you maybe surprised that she may even be feeling the same things as you. I did this once with a person I have been talking to and I really just bluntly asked him: Are you comfortable in the direction that things are going? It felt good to get a response from him-negative or not-and if we were not on the same page at least it was still early on in the relationship where it could be talked about and something could have been done. Don't put things under the rug because it may only widen the gap between the both of you both emotionally and physically. I don't blame you in wanting to be apart of every aspect of her life, but people need space and maybe you need to find out what 'Space' means to her. It is different for each person. All i can say is talk to her, get to know her better, and give yourself a chance-but don't give up too much of yourself if she is not reciprocating. All the best to you.

 

[Brian]

I swear, if I had even half a penny for every time I've heard about someone with a (dark/crazy/messed up/complicated, insert your own adjective) past, I'd retire tomorrow and buy the sailboat I've always wanted.

I think people just like to sound complex like some sort of romance fiction character when really they're not. They like the dramatics. "Ooohhh look at me, look at me! My past is sooo crazy and different you'd just never understand. Oh and I always end up hurting those I love! I'm so sorrryyyyy! It's because of my paaasssst and I can't change! "

I think it makes them feel 'deep' or 'interesting', or perhaps just validates their own dumb problems to have some sort of past that they've overblown in to something that isn't the suburban lifestyle they probably actually had. Ugh.

I just wanna smack 'em and say, 'Hey, grow up, people. You're not a Special Snowflake. You're normal and boring like the rest of us. Welcome to life; quit the bullshit and take responsibility for your actions.'