S
Styx
Guest
I am posting this here as it seems the most suited area to post a rant. Ranting enables me to express myself and get the ball rolling with others on the boards - small-talk reply posts do not. This is an expression, so anyone who's offended with anything I say (or gets bored reading) is welcome to hit the 'Back' button on their browser.
I have recently had the misfortune to endure an unpleasant situation with someone who was close to me. As close as anyone had ever gotten. Suffice to say, it did sting when this person left my life by the side of the very demons I was fighting against for them. While the bitter emotions are there, I no longer feel them. It's not that I've gotten over the situation, it's that I literally can *not* feel them. This may or may not make sense to you. I take heed to my anger, and am disappointed in myself when I fail to control it, but I do not feel it like I used to. I fail to control it over the few sore spots left in my life that actually allow me to 'feel' anything. This is all hard for me to explain and like all things is best learned when experiencing it for yourself.
As far as I know, I have always been different from others. The social norm, as you'd call it. I could explain in great detail how my behaviour was different, but I choose not to. I know that I pay for the consequences of my actions, yet I can't seem to care - so long as it helps to fill the void for a few good moments, I'll play ball.
As I write this, I have not slept for 26 hours. Exertion doesn't cure the disturbed psyche. If I go to bed without exercising, I go to bed tired. If I exercise, I go to bed sore and tired. It does not mean that I catch my sleep. For me, bed is more like a waiting zone to pass out.
I am 22 and have lived alone for the past 7 years. Despite the perils that face me, I choose to enjoy life rather than hate it. I believe those that truly hate life are dead... you have to like being alive to some extent to sit around bitching about it. For me, I can choose to enjoy life, I just don't value it. That's as best as I can describe it.
Depression and loneliness plagues me, but the yearning for companionship no longer hurts the way it used to. Some would consider me lucky for this. Others would say I've merely 'toughened up'. However, they are not me, and only I know what happened to the feelings for life I used to have.
I find myself deliberately aiming for conflict, yet aim to avoid it at the same time. I'm sure Frued would of loved to have a few people like me around in his head-examining days.
I aim for conflict to feel, but don't seek it unless the opportunity arises. I attack only when my target has done something to deserve it (such as trying to take me for an idiot).
Unconditional love is a familiar term, but an alien encounter. I do not know of it personally.
As I write all of this, it should be known that I write with no emotion. I am completely detached from the world... only the thoughts disturb my peace, but I can't do anything except learn to live with them and disempower them if they start to give me symptoms of anxiety.
I will continue to post under this thread as time goes by, as I keep drowning in a sea of thoughts whilst attempting to write, making it impossible to stay on one line of thought with what I'm saying.
By writing this, I realize that I'm trying to reach out to talk to someone. I realize that I want to feel companionship and that unconditional love so many people take for granted. I would rather be in a wheelchair surrounded by loving & supporting people than suffer in silence with such deterrent traits. If I could change in the blink of an eye...
The loco-motivational, eternally-optimistic approach to life never did it for me either, so anyone that's small-minded enough to believe that this approach works for everyone on the planet can avoid posting a reply to me. Eventually, people tire of giving everything they've got to 'improve' their lives only to be told to "do something about it" when they stop and take the time to rest and vent their annoyance with their situation.
I have been on the up-and-at-'em train for several months not long ago. It was a chore. I didn't enjoy it. I wasn't being me, I was being a stupid twirp pretending that a masked smile on my face 24 hours a day would actually help me feel alive and lustful for life.
In my eyes, my life ended a long time ago. The struggles, the attempts to change that still go on to this very day... All just unnoticed efforts gone in vain. I often wonder why I bother, but it gives me something to do in a way. While I have changed over the years, so has my overall regard for life. The bitterness remains active, but slowly subsides while the numbness gradually settles in for good.
What just happened recently would of sent a lot of people hanging by a thread over the edge (had they been trying to keep their cool during a tough situation), but right now I do not feel anything. As soon as that dreaded heartache started to touch me just a tiny bit, I embraced my awareness, took a step back and let the numbness set in. This is quite amazing since it occurs naturally without drug useage, yet disturbing on a mental-health level. I am neutral and detached to everything, constantly finding myself facing situations that make me anxious in order to feel anything. Perhaps even desensitize from those anxiety sensations while I'm at it, as anxiety disorders are very nasty.
So much to write down in my head, but I do not stand a chance to put any of it on screen.
Well, I've claimed my slice of the internet with this thread. I'll post back later when I should be able to maintain a better grip on any thoughts entering my mind.
Remember that those who suffer from a limited spectrum of emotions aren't always "evil" people. What they must of endured in their past to become so numb to the world is no laughing matter. While a lot of these individuals choose be nasty for personal gain, a lot of them also don't. Most want nothing more than to get along with those around them and have a regular, fulfilling life full of social connections and support (since we humans are social animals), yet they lack the ability to feel on the level that most people can. That itself is a curse I would not wish upon anyone.
I have recently had the misfortune to endure an unpleasant situation with someone who was close to me. As close as anyone had ever gotten. Suffice to say, it did sting when this person left my life by the side of the very demons I was fighting against for them. While the bitter emotions are there, I no longer feel them. It's not that I've gotten over the situation, it's that I literally can *not* feel them. This may or may not make sense to you. I take heed to my anger, and am disappointed in myself when I fail to control it, but I do not feel it like I used to. I fail to control it over the few sore spots left in my life that actually allow me to 'feel' anything. This is all hard for me to explain and like all things is best learned when experiencing it for yourself.
As far as I know, I have always been different from others. The social norm, as you'd call it. I could explain in great detail how my behaviour was different, but I choose not to. I know that I pay for the consequences of my actions, yet I can't seem to care - so long as it helps to fill the void for a few good moments, I'll play ball.
As I write this, I have not slept for 26 hours. Exertion doesn't cure the disturbed psyche. If I go to bed without exercising, I go to bed tired. If I exercise, I go to bed sore and tired. It does not mean that I catch my sleep. For me, bed is more like a waiting zone to pass out.
I am 22 and have lived alone for the past 7 years. Despite the perils that face me, I choose to enjoy life rather than hate it. I believe those that truly hate life are dead... you have to like being alive to some extent to sit around bitching about it. For me, I can choose to enjoy life, I just don't value it. That's as best as I can describe it.
Depression and loneliness plagues me, but the yearning for companionship no longer hurts the way it used to. Some would consider me lucky for this. Others would say I've merely 'toughened up'. However, they are not me, and only I know what happened to the feelings for life I used to have.
I find myself deliberately aiming for conflict, yet aim to avoid it at the same time. I'm sure Frued would of loved to have a few people like me around in his head-examining days.
I aim for conflict to feel, but don't seek it unless the opportunity arises. I attack only when my target has done something to deserve it (such as trying to take me for an idiot).
Unconditional love is a familiar term, but an alien encounter. I do not know of it personally.
As I write all of this, it should be known that I write with no emotion. I am completely detached from the world... only the thoughts disturb my peace, but I can't do anything except learn to live with them and disempower them if they start to give me symptoms of anxiety.
I will continue to post under this thread as time goes by, as I keep drowning in a sea of thoughts whilst attempting to write, making it impossible to stay on one line of thought with what I'm saying.
By writing this, I realize that I'm trying to reach out to talk to someone. I realize that I want to feel companionship and that unconditional love so many people take for granted. I would rather be in a wheelchair surrounded by loving & supporting people than suffer in silence with such deterrent traits. If I could change in the blink of an eye...
The loco-motivational, eternally-optimistic approach to life never did it for me either, so anyone that's small-minded enough to believe that this approach works for everyone on the planet can avoid posting a reply to me. Eventually, people tire of giving everything they've got to 'improve' their lives only to be told to "do something about it" when they stop and take the time to rest and vent their annoyance with their situation.
I have been on the up-and-at-'em train for several months not long ago. It was a chore. I didn't enjoy it. I wasn't being me, I was being a stupid twirp pretending that a masked smile on my face 24 hours a day would actually help me feel alive and lustful for life.
In my eyes, my life ended a long time ago. The struggles, the attempts to change that still go on to this very day... All just unnoticed efforts gone in vain. I often wonder why I bother, but it gives me something to do in a way. While I have changed over the years, so has my overall regard for life. The bitterness remains active, but slowly subsides while the numbness gradually settles in for good.
What just happened recently would of sent a lot of people hanging by a thread over the edge (had they been trying to keep their cool during a tough situation), but right now I do not feel anything. As soon as that dreaded heartache started to touch me just a tiny bit, I embraced my awareness, took a step back and let the numbness set in. This is quite amazing since it occurs naturally without drug useage, yet disturbing on a mental-health level. I am neutral and detached to everything, constantly finding myself facing situations that make me anxious in order to feel anything. Perhaps even desensitize from those anxiety sensations while I'm at it, as anxiety disorders are very nasty.
So much to write down in my head, but I do not stand a chance to put any of it on screen.
Well, I've claimed my slice of the internet with this thread. I'll post back later when I should be able to maintain a better grip on any thoughts entering my mind.
Remember that those who suffer from a limited spectrum of emotions aren't always "evil" people. What they must of endured in their past to become so numb to the world is no laughing matter. While a lot of these individuals choose be nasty for personal gain, a lot of them also don't. Most want nothing more than to get along with those around them and have a regular, fulfilling life full of social connections and support (since we humans are social animals), yet they lack the ability to feel on the level that most people can. That itself is a curse I would not wish upon anyone.
