Intro

[BlackSheep]

Hi. To be honest, I have no idea why I'm writing this... Well, that's not entirely true. I'm tired of writing stuff in my diary and if I don't let things out, at least a little bit, I'm gonna implode. So my sincerest appologies for involving others (anyone who cares to read this). Here's a bit of the sordid story:

I am nearly 25, and I am truely tired of being lonely. I lived in a number of countries while growing up and sure, I've seen some amazing things and met some amazing people. But moving around meant that I didn't really connect with many. And my ability to connect seems to have faded with time. But having read some of the threads here, I feel guilty about writing this stuff - seems like I'm whining about my perfect life.

I have friends - problem is, they are all over the world and in this country, there're all in another city. I have no friends here - at least no one I can really talk to. The bigger problem is that I can't seem to make friends. I'm not what one might call an absolute social outcast, there are groups that I belong to... but right now, I just want to hide which is very counter effective.

Making crazy decisions seems to be my cup of tea - so I am currently doing a PhD. I'm not smart, so I really don't know what/why I'm doing right now. I moved cities because I didn't want to get a job with the degree I had, and there was a research option at this cool company.That's not the problem though, the problem is this sick feeling that I will always be alone. I used to be real chatty, but now I don't know what to say to people, or how to start a conversation. I go to work, sit there for 8 hours, writing reports or papers and stuff, and I rarely connect. People around me are really nice, but I just can't get myself to open up, let my guard down. I don't even know why my guard is up...

No one on this planet knows the real me, (not even my parent, even though they think they do). I really didn't give a toss about being alone before, but it's beginning to get to me. My mantra was 'I stand alone' specially when it comes to guys, but that's getting tired! I am tired of pretending that life's great, cause it actually sucks. I've stopped 'living' and now am just 'existing'. And I can't believe that even though there are 6 billion people on the planet, I am so very alone.

One more complication, I met this great guy a while back, and while he was pretty nice, he wanted things to move fast - way too fast. So I ran for the hills! Running and hiding - I'm great at that, making excuses, even better.

I have a great family who care about me (most of the time). I am the first-born, the one who's supposed to draw the map for the others, and I think I've done that ok - my siblings are at university, and hopefully well balanced. But somewhere between being the leader and the responsible one, I forgot to take some time out... so now I'm stuck.

I'm not trying to feel good on other people's problems, and I'm not after sympathy, but are these feelings normal? If anyone's gotten over this kind of thing, please, please give me some ideas...

 

[elissa]

I don't believe that a little bit of sympathy won't make you feel better.. So I'm gonna give you some of mine! Or empathy, rather...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm a Third Culture Kid as well, have lived in Sweden, Minneapolis and now Boston (probably not as exotic as I imagine your upbringing) and I too have difficulty truly connecting with people. I started a group at my university a while back for TCK's, and you'd think that theyd all become my best friends? Not excactly. I'm picky. very picky. The person not only has to mesh with my complex personality that I was born with, but he/she has to relate to my upbringing and wordly views... That's a lot to ask for! And the pool of people who fit that critera I imagine is very very small!

I'm also first born. I'm blessed to be very close to my family and my younger sister is truly my soulmate, I am so blessed to have them all in my life, even though they live half a country away. But calling your mom to cry about boy problems because theres no other female around who you feel comfortable turning to in such intense doses gets tiring!

I, too, have taken a lot of pride in not 'needing a guy to complete me' and being little miss single-and-lovin-it. And although I stick to it, it does get tiring after a while and takes a lot of energy out of me...

Don't have any solutions for you, but maybe it will comfort you to know that I feel as confused about my difficulty in making good friends as you are! It sucks to walk around feeling that there's something wrong with us. I think on some level we were probably born the weirdo's we feel.. but our global upbringing is what nurtured that feeling and made it grow 1000 times more intense. We see the world in 3D when most see it in 2D...how could we possibly have anything in common with them??! It's like God trying to become best friends with a fly. (im not calling us God...just giving you an exaggerated visual )

I wonder why loneliness exists? What is its purpose? Especially if we put ourselves out there constatly and never quite get the result we're looking for, what's the purpose of that??!
I believe that it has something to do with Quantum Physics.. We're all like tiny cells that aren't aware of the living organism that we are all contrbuting towards creating... All we know is that loneliness is a lifelong motivator for us to go out there and socialize and find a community of cells to belong to so that we can continue contributing our unknown services to who knows what. You and me are like... haha I'm such a dork and you probably think I'm psycho for all these weird analogies... but you and I are like the cells that grew up in an organism's finger and then by some accident wound up in their toes and then in their knees and finally in their nose.. we're still useful, fully functioning cells nomatter where we are in the organism's body, but each environment we move to feels unfamiliar and we always feel like we're supposed to be in some other part of the body...

Ok I'm done with my scientific rant! Thanx for posting, good to hear from a fellow nomad.

elissa

 

[BlackSheep]

Thanx Elissa!

You're right, a bit of empathy does help a lot. Thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts- it shows that there are others who are going through the same stuff and who are courageous and getin thru it, if I may say so...

All in all, I have been so busy wrapping things up for the X-mas break that I actually forgot to be lonely. It's amazing how well things go when one is too busy to think! Holidays are usually very lonely but I am now back with my family and someof my original circle of pals, so have people to talk to/annoy . I have gotton through another year without meltdown and that's awesome!

Thanx again! And Happy Holidays!

 

[Hussen]

Hi BlackSheep

Know what you're going through. If you still come here drop me a line and we can talk. I also live in NZ and son't spend time with man people.

 

[mimizu]

I used to be real chatty

Yes I have the same problem... I can be chatty online but irl it doesn't work that well...

but now I don't know what to say to people, or how to start a conversation. I go to work, sit there for 8 hours, writing reports or papers and stuff, and I rarely connect. People around me are really nice, but I just can't get myself to open up, let my guard down. I don't even know why my guard is up...

People around me whenever I have a job or something else (instead of just being home all day) just ignore me... nobody even says good morning to me unless I say it first. Nobody wants to include me in anything. They all connect with each other, become on friendly terms, visit each other's houses, go to parties together, and I am just left aside.