It must be something I don't understand.

[thebadartist]

New to these forums, and I have a question for anyone who would know. I just can't see why, though I've tried my best my whole life to make friends, that I just...cannot do it. 21 years of life and the most I can manage is the occasional acquaintance. And just when I'm about to maybe finally form a connection I do some stupid thing that makes them not want to be near me. Even as a child this would happen. What do - How do normal people find success with this forming relationships...thing that I obviously have no clue about? I know it's easy for them, but I'm in some pretty desperate need of direction. This loneliness I have in my heart is killing me...but I don't want to give up and have everything I've done so far be for nothing. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing right?

 

[Elaeagnus]

I think a lot of us here are in the same boat as you are. One thing that I've noticed about really social people is that they aren't phased when they get turned down or when someone doesn't want to be their friend. They just keep trying and trying. I know some people have better luck than other, but I think at least part of it must be pure persistence.

 

[thebadartist]

But how do I keep on being persistent when I try so many times and I don't make any progress?

 

[Elaeagnus]

I don't know. Too be honest, I certainly don't follow my own advice. Every once in a while I meet someone that I really like, and then I try to get to know them. It never works, but I do it so rarely that it isn't hard for me to keep doing it. I'm talking once a year at the most. I certainly don't make friendly overtures to every relatively nice person I meet. I think a lot of it is just plain luck. Some of us are lucky, and others of us are not.

 

[In The Matrix]

Don't be needy. Don't be dependent. Hold back once in a while. Show that you're selective and critical, at least at the very beginning. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you want someone who nagged and bugged you and seemed like a drain on your resources/life?

Of course, easier said than done. It's a matter of becoming a more confident version of yourself, one who has direction in life. Everyone loves to follow the leader. Be a good leader.

 

[Searching_4_My_Soul-Mate]

You can find friends if you look in the right place. I don't know where that place is.. but you just have to keep looking. If you have to "pretend" to be someone to be accepted - then it isn't right.

 

[Silence]

You are right, most really social people seem to be immune to rejection... I am really afraid of rejection.

However, I have managed to make friends with quite a lot of people by simply ignoring that fear (it is bloody hard to keep smiling and pretend somebody didn't just tell you to F off through body language). If somebody doesn't seem to friendly, just move on.

For me, if somebody is friendly, open minded and willing to give me a smile every now and then, then I make friends with them.

By the sounds of things I would be happy to be friends with any of you.

The only things that make me move away from people are things like boasting, being abusive or being "too friendly". I am repelled from people like that. I have spent years trying to get the balance right, I have it just about right to find friends, but my low self esteem prevents from entering a deep relationship with anyone... I just can't make that "first move" that others seem to take in their stride... what if the person moved away from you or never talked to you again? Anyway, that is my problem to deal with.

I have also found that trying too hard makes enemies not friends. Chill, smile and be honest. There are people like me in the world who don't give a honeysuckle about anything else. I know the whole world seem shallow and conceited, but some people are different.

I hope this helps somehow, you sound like a nice bloke to me, if you are generally positive, honest and try your best to ignore your fears (note, do not ignore your feelings, just your overcome your fears) then I suggest you find new people to make friends with because they sound liked conceited twits.

 

[thebadartist]

Don't be needy. Don't be dependent. Hold back once in a while. Show that you're selective and critical, at least at the very beginning. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you want someone who nagged and bugged you and seemed like a drain on your resources/life?

Of course, easier said than done. It's a matter of becoming a more confident version of yourself, one who has direction in life. Everyone loves to follow the leader. Be a good leader.

That's the problem. I make a mental note of how my interactions with people go, and I see that my mannerisms and body language are just flat-out unappealing to most people. I try too hard to be friendly and they end up thinking, "She's weird, something's wrong with her...." I mean, I've been working at this and I've stabilized my behavior some but I keep on screwing up.

 

[AaronAgassi]

To thine own self be true?

 

[sweetestbaby]

But how do I keep on being persistent when I try so many times and I don't make any progress?

You kind of have to have an "I don't care what other people think of me" type of attitude but without the arrogance and take the positives from each experience and learn from any detected mistakes.

 

[AaronAgassi]

Do you see your problem as simply nervous self destructive behavior, a bad habit that needs to be broken?

 

[Leon]

I believe you think too much about screwing up. As many people have said before, you need confidence! don't overanalize the different actions that appear during interaction. Believe me when I tell you that you are wasting your time. People feel comfortable when you are easy going. I agree with In The Matrix in many ways. Being needy makes people freak out. It used to happen to me before with girls: I used to call this girl in particular and talk for hours, yet I never realized that she didn't have the intention of being more than friends as I did. Easy going is not the same as stupid: read some of the messages people give you about how they are feeling. If they are feeling relaxed, but interested, then you are on your way.

 

[AaronAgassi]

You emphasize mechanics of process over motivation and connection, Leon. They see someone social indistress, and shun rather than help.

 

[Leon]

You emphasize mechanics of process over motivation and connection, Leon.

It is true that one needs motivation in order to acomplish social integration. Nonetheless, we cannot discard simple mechanics that allow us to understand the route that each piece of social interaction take. We should not push too hard if we receive feedback that indicate uncomfort coming from the other person.

They see someone social indistress, and shun rather than help.

I agree with this as most people become evasive when they see someone who is in social distress. People who try too hard are often seen as "stalkers" (at least where I live).

 

[AaronAgassi]

I fear that you miss my point, Leon. You can know what is expected of you, or you can risk any genuine impulse or insight.

 

[Leon]

I fear that you miss my point, Leon. You can know what is expected of you, or you can risk any genuine impulse or insight.

I think I do now. Being spontaneous and genuine is the best game you can play. As you said, it is a risk as you never now the effect that can be produced on the other person, yet it is being true to yourself.

What I was trying to say with noticing the route that each social interaction takes is that you should not force a love interest if the other person only wants to befriend you. This does not mean that, if you are interested, you should show some signs of interest. I have seen many cases of people who have tried to force their own perception, being later labeled as desperate. If you are looking for love, then you should not look for it in every person of the opposite sex that you find.

 

[AaronAgassi]

That's all reasonable enough and perfectly considerate. But what I actually meant to observe was a sad tendency on this forum to seek for procedure without demanding value, leaving unaddressed the inevitable loneliness from empty exchange. That is why I had hoped for more discussion upon motivating value, before drawing any more such absurd empty plans.

 

[Leon]

Value is something that is not easily addressed as each one needs to find it within himself. Motivating value can be achieved in different ways, as there are different ways in which selfconfidence can be increased.

Now, in the initial post the problem of doing "some stupid thing", at some point, made thebadartist feel that his intention of building some sort of relationship toppled off. That is the reason why I wanted to address to that precise issue at first hand. I don't see it as an "absurd empty plan" because it is based on interpretation, something that many people lack, yet it is so needed when interacting with people. Furthermore, it shouldn't even be seen as a plan: naturality when interpreting people's responses takes a key role. That is why I said people should be easy going and spontaneous.

Moreover, I believe that there are certain types of people with whom you will always find an empty exchange. At school it used to happen a lot to me as there were some people who just didn't share my interests or were shallow in general. Then you have little to exchange with them.

 

[AaronAgassi]

I'm not sure that thebadartist has much of a plan, one way or another, despite every unflagging effort. Although, I still wonder how thebadartist sees his problem, merely tactically, or might there be any value conundrum lurking unseen?

As for the dull and shallow, I suppose that's not a problem for the dull and shallow until, as does happen, the consuming emptiness becomes painful even to the dull and shallow themselves.

 

[Leon]

I think it would be a good time for thebadartist to analize his situation. Retrospective thought is advantageous when dealing with consistent issues. At this point, it could either be an issue of value or approach.