blumar
Well-known member
Hi Everyone,
I realize that I come here in the depths of despair which seems to accumulate to overflowing about once a year (all the other days I can muddle through). I find myself in, what seems to be, an unbreakable cycle. In my "crystal ball" I see myself continuing my lonely path into the second half of my life. You see, my father has had Stage IV cancer for some time now. I've processed the initial shock of this revelation a while ago and now it has become the managing of this illness. Meanwhile, I see my mother's mental state declining slightly (she forgets and repeats herself more than normal). My future, as I see it, is caring for both my parents. Now, I know that this is not unusual and it is something for which I have mentally prepared. What is difficult for me is the lack of a support system that I have available. I have a brother who, for the most part, is a no-show when it comes to supporting the family, thus, I cannot rely on him. Although I have a brother, I feel as though I am an only child - a sentiment echoed by my therapist. So, I anticipate that as I age, I must find services/support to care for me since he is not dependable (though I would support him).
As far as friends are concerned, in my 20s and 30s I had a good group of friends, but as I and they have aged, my friends have diminished. This is to be expected as people marry, have children, and focus their priorities inward. What is difficult is having one friendship ended and the other on its way out. I realized last week that the one friend I considered to be my best friend was using me as a surrogate sister. Not that this is necessarily a horrible idea - to be close to someone and consider them a sister. However, it was not that I was a sister to her, I was treated that way because her sister married and relocated. Now that her sister has moved back home, I have been cut off entirely. So, I can't help but feel used. My other friend, being on a scale of 0 (no friend) to 1 (friend) is a 0.5. I have half a friend meaning that we talk on the phone during the week but, for some reason, he has such difficulties finding a day off to go out for lunch or a movie. It's been 4 months since I've seen him.
Yes, I am employed and I do enjoy my occupation (this is where I direct most of my energy). I have tried taking classes, online dating, and generally being happy and outgoing when meeting/interacting with people but I find little interest in friendship from others (inviting someone to a movie, etc.). I find that people come to me with their issues and freely "dump" in exchange for advice but that is as far as it goes.
So I'm processing what seems to be my path being laid out before me but also hoping that I will wake up one morning and meet a great friend and/or partner as I go through my day.
Thanks for providing a positive, safe place for my thoughts. I'm sure I'll be back on the forum before long but in the meantime, I wish everyone hope. You are not alone in your loneliness, I'm here with you.
I realize that I come here in the depths of despair which seems to accumulate to overflowing about once a year (all the other days I can muddle through). I find myself in, what seems to be, an unbreakable cycle. In my "crystal ball" I see myself continuing my lonely path into the second half of my life. You see, my father has had Stage IV cancer for some time now. I've processed the initial shock of this revelation a while ago and now it has become the managing of this illness. Meanwhile, I see my mother's mental state declining slightly (she forgets and repeats herself more than normal). My future, as I see it, is caring for both my parents. Now, I know that this is not unusual and it is something for which I have mentally prepared. What is difficult for me is the lack of a support system that I have available. I have a brother who, for the most part, is a no-show when it comes to supporting the family, thus, I cannot rely on him. Although I have a brother, I feel as though I am an only child - a sentiment echoed by my therapist. So, I anticipate that as I age, I must find services/support to care for me since he is not dependable (though I would support him).
As far as friends are concerned, in my 20s and 30s I had a good group of friends, but as I and they have aged, my friends have diminished. This is to be expected as people marry, have children, and focus their priorities inward. What is difficult is having one friendship ended and the other on its way out. I realized last week that the one friend I considered to be my best friend was using me as a surrogate sister. Not that this is necessarily a horrible idea - to be close to someone and consider them a sister. However, it was not that I was a sister to her, I was treated that way because her sister married and relocated. Now that her sister has moved back home, I have been cut off entirely. So, I can't help but feel used. My other friend, being on a scale of 0 (no friend) to 1 (friend) is a 0.5. I have half a friend meaning that we talk on the phone during the week but, for some reason, he has such difficulties finding a day off to go out for lunch or a movie. It's been 4 months since I've seen him.
Yes, I am employed and I do enjoy my occupation (this is where I direct most of my energy). I have tried taking classes, online dating, and generally being happy and outgoing when meeting/interacting with people but I find little interest in friendship from others (inviting someone to a movie, etc.). I find that people come to me with their issues and freely "dump" in exchange for advice but that is as far as it goes.
So I'm processing what seems to be my path being laid out before me but also hoping that I will wake up one morning and meet a great friend and/or partner as I go through my day.
Thanks for providing a positive, safe place for my thoughts. I'm sure I'll be back on the forum before long but in the meantime, I wish everyone hope. You are not alone in your loneliness, I'm here with you.